can you even make ramyeon?

0001

the mask muffled the sound of her breathing. i watched as she lay with her eyes shut, no different to how she was three months ago.

the accident affected her the most.

while i merely suffered from minor whiplash, my mother hit her head resulting in a coma. she's been hanging onto life ever since, the pain in my chest increasing every time i see her condition.

i sat in the hard chair beside her bed.

i wasn't worthy of being saved; i had done nothing to deserve it.

the situation was helpless, as tremulous as my limbs whenever i came to visit her. no matter how much my brain would yell at my hands to stop shaking, they paid no heed and violently shook in my lap as i looked over her. it's as if someone ripped out my heart and threw it to the ground, watching it shrivel and struggle, coming to a slow, uncared for death.

i wasn't the one dying, so why did it feel like my insides were being torn out of me?

why did it hurt so much?

"seo-yun, come help me in the kitchen."

i giggled and sat demurely on the edge of the oak table, swinging my short legs and clutching my doll tightly. watching her cook was like watching a craftsman expertly perform his trade. her precision, skill, and genuine enjoyment in her work was clear for anyone to see; whether it was her fellow chefs, to the customers who travelled far and wide simply to taste her food.

i grabbed the wooden spoon and speedily ate up the chocolate mousse so she wouldn't see me. as usual, her quick eyes followed the clean spoon and she smiled down at me.

"is that a chocolate thief i see in my kitchen?" she remarked before tickling me and leaving me in a heap of breathless laughs and wheezes.

smiling at the memory, i looked down at her limp body beneath the crisp sterile sheets—the loving smile was long gone. her skin that was once tinted with the warm colours of life had turned translucent, hanging into the deep hollow cheekbones, creating dark, sombre shadows upon her face.

sighing, i picked up my bag, making note to visit earlier next time; sitting here in front of so many other visitors made me feel pitiful; i hated it.

i sniffled and made a pathetic attempt of composing myself, straightening my trousers and reaching for my coat. i stepped out into the brisk air and hastily made my way out of the car park.

walking was more practical for me. it meant i was doing something; preventing my mind from over thinking.

i looked at the people around me, wondering if i was the only one having a hard time; the only one who was in complete desolation. the only one with no one to turn to.

getting home was only the very beginning of the war inside my head. recently, i've found my conscious to be on the losing side, getting defeated by the addictive spite that that senses my vulnerability so easily.

even the vast country style house i had lived in for so long was no longer comforting, the only occupied room was my own—the rest were simply gathering dust from the absence of company and life. a bitter laugh; i was no different.

i collapsed on my bed and scrolled through my phone. within moments, i found myself calling my best friend, lee zoya's number. stifling the sobs that insisted on taking over me, i silently willed her to pick up.

"HOLY MOLY MONSTA X COMEBACK I CAN'T BREATHE I'M S—seo-yun?" her last words were a concerned whisper.

"i want my mum back zoya—i have to try. tell me anything i can do to bring her back," i took a long breath, before adding a feebly pathetic, "please."

the familiar heat of panic spread over my body and i found myself breaking down in front of another human being; something i never do.

she remained silent for a moment.

"okay, calm down and drink some water first. are you breathing? wait no, what the hell, never mind, i mean...you need to try and control your breathing, lol." she chuckled nervously, clearly thinking her words would trigger something in me.

instead, i chuckled at her stupidity, laughing through the tears as i heard her protests through the phone. i was no longer weeping out of pity; instead, it was for another reason entirely.

wiping my face with my sleeve, i sat up in bed.

"so you think you can answer my question?"

i could hear her hum in thought.

"seo-yun, cook your mum's favourite food, bring it to her. a gesture like that may just be the trick!"

i rolled my eyes "you should know that i'm a klutz in the kitchen—it'll never work."

"take a culinary course—do anything! it's all for her at the end of the day. i'm very, very sure your efforts will pay off." she said in her normal enthusiastic manner.

it took her a whole week to convince me, and a further two days until i finally enlisted in a class. cooking wasn't my forte, and so i was apprehensive. i had to mentally remind myself this wasn't for my own benefit, but for my mother's. the striving hope of my mum waking up was what gave me the means not to give up entirely.

the night before, i tossed and turned, staring at the newly pressed uniform awaiting me on my chair.

soon my worries turned to muffled thoughts, and eventually, my eyes fluttered shut.