I Am Phoenix Rayn

coming out

I had really struggled to figure out who I am. In fact, I asked my self that same question every day for 13 years. I asked myself why I liked to be grouped with the guys, why did i feel fake when I put on make up. I asked myself why I stole my little brothers toy cars. Why did I feel so akward in front of the mirror, why did I start cutting myself?

I had my first panic attack in fourth grade, and it sucked. People always said I had anxiety and depression because my family left my dad. Because that one boy did unspeakable things to me. Because I was a little girl who didn't understand.

I met my friends Riley and Sarah in fourth grade. They still are my friends till this day. They were the ones who helped me understand myself and who I identified as. And without them...I problem wouldn't be alive today. When we were in 7th grade I started to struggle more and more. My grades started to drop, I put more and more make up on. I thought that maybe if I looked like a girl on the outside I could be one on the inside too. Of course it didn't work.

My friend Riley told me one day that they were genderfluid. Of course I had no idea what that meant...so she explained everything to me. Of course...that made me curious...I decided to dress in more "boyish" close. And when I did...I never wanted to dress like in feminine close again. I started to put my hair up in hats, and I started to bind my chest with ace bandage. I told my friends how I felt...I told them that I was gender fluid. But as a time slowy passed by, I noticed that when I couldn't bind my chest I had panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't express myself.

Then it all clicked....

I am transgender.

Of course I cried and cried. I thought I was weird...that I was the only one who was like this...

I told my friends this, and they accepted me all the way...the next part was the hardest part. Telling my mom.

It was the 4th of July..2014. My family and some family friends went to our towns park to watch the fire works. And I was gonna tell her...everything...all the secerets I kept for so long...

I asked My mom if I could talk to her in private. She was confused but said yes anyways. Once we were away from everyone...I told her...I said," Mom....I'm not a girl..." of course I already started to tear up and she was confused...so she asked me what I meant. I said, "I wanna be a boy." and I started to bawl like I a child...she said that she accepted me anyways....but a couple months later...she yelled at me...and told me she thought my friends were the ones who did this to me...

But she eventually accepted me truly...and I was so happy...I couldn't explain it...

Of course I still deal with so much shit...but it's honestly worth it...

I'm happy with myself..and that's all that matters.