It felt wrong from the second the ball left my foot. As I watched the ball sour over the bar I knew I had just lost the game for my team. I screwed up. I ruined their dreams, and mine but I didn't care about me. They all worked so hard to get here and I ruined it. As I walked back to my place in the line of my teammates, I saw the look on their faces. Every single one of them knew at that moment, our journey of 2016 was over. I couldn't believe how much one shot could destroy your self esteem. After all the pain, the blood, sweat and tears, I blew it. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just wanted to collapse on the floor and take my shot back. Why did I have to be such an idiot and shoot it high. Why couldn't I have done what Alex and I had been practicing together for a month. As I got closer to the line of my heartbroken teammates I noticed JJ trying to calm me down.
"It's okay. You're good. You're good. Breathe"
I calmed down for a bit, having hope in the best goalkeeper in the world. But then Sweden scored the final penalty. That meant we were done, we were out. All because of me. All my teammates, my best friends, my second family, had shattered hearts the second the Swedish players ran out on the field. That should be us, I thought to myself. I looked up at jumbo tron on hanging from atop the stadium. My hands covering my mouth, I stood there frozen, looking at that second red dot. The red dot that represented the moment I threw everything away. The red dot that proves I never should have made this team because all I do is screw things up. That's how Jill views me and I know it. Why else would she constantly bench me. All my confidence was flushed down the drain in an instant. I continued looking at the scoreboard as in big flashing letters the words, Sweden, appeared on the screen. That should say America, I thought to myself. As I continued to bash myself, hate myself, wish I could turn back time and change the game, I felt kling touch my arms and tell me, it's okay don't blame yourself. As much as her support meant, it wasn't okay and it was all my fault. I shifted my hands down away from my face now in more of a praying position. I looked at the ground. The ground, that's where I drove my and my teammates dreams into. Next Krieger came up to me, she pulled me in for a hug, and whispered in my ear,
"It's not your fault press. Jill screwed you over. You're one of the best forwards in the world and don't let this get to your head, no one blames this on you" her words meant everything to me. I hugged her tighter and rested my head on her shoulder, tears streaming profusely down my face. After what felt like hours but was only seconds, she grabbed my face and simply said,
"You're amazing press, and we all love you." Then she pulled me in for another quick hug, grabbed my hand and led me to the locker room. The second I walked into that room, my heart dropped lower than I thought was ever possible. I could feel the heartbreak in the silence of what was usually a chatty group. Everyone sat in their reserved locker, looking down, wishing this had ended differently. I brought this upon them, I thought to myself. I walked over to my locker, the one that read, christen press #12. I stared at it and took the plaque in which showed my name and number, and threw it in the trash. Everyone in the room watched the event unfold, staring confused and worried. I walked back to my locker and slid down the wall. I sat there, my mind exploding with thoughts. I don't deserve to be here. There are so many better people than me. I suck. Why did I have to ruin everything. However my thoughts were interrupted when I felt a familiar hand interlaced with mine. I didn't even have to look up to know it was Tobin. I continued looking down as I rested my head on her shoulders. Once again, tears flooded my face.
"I'm sorry Tobin." Was all I managed to get out, then Jill walked in the room. Tobin felt me tense up. She rubbed my back and continuously gave me sweet, loving kisses on my forehead. All Jill said was,
"You guys put up a hard fight and I'm proud of you. This is a tough way to go out and I don't want any of you to blame yourselves." That was the second i tuned everything out. I could feel her eyes on me. However I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better. I knew that she did think it was all my fault. She did think she made a mistake by putting me on this roster. Next thing I knew Tobin was pulling me up, dragging me out of the locker room by the hand. I noticed we were the first to the door so I turned around.
"I'm sorry I ruined everything." Was all i said as Tobin pulled me in for a tight hug kissing my forehead whispering things like,
"Please don't blame yourself, This isn't your fault, It's a team sport, we all love you so much, you're one of the best players in the world, etc." but I didn't care, I knew those things weren't true. The truth was I we were out of the Olympics because of me.
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The bus ride back to the hotel was silent. I cried into Tobin's chest the whole way back and I could feel tears falling from her eyes on my head occasionally. That killed me even more. I destroyed my favorite person in the whole entire world's dreams, I ruined what was supposed to be her big year. We reached the hotel and I went right to the elevator. I reached the room and laid in bed. I took my jersey off and looked at it. I wasn't worthy of #12, I wasn't worthy of having my name on the back of this jersey, I wasn't worthy of being on this team. I threw it across the room and fell asleep in tears.
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OOPS THIS IS REALLY DEPRESSING SORRY😁😁 anyways I'm heartbroken for press but in no way was it her fault. Jill ruined her confidence and I really hope christen doesn't blame herself😢 I know she's probably beating herself up but i hope she just comes back stronger from this :(:) the #dogsforchristen thing was really sweet and I hope she saw it and sees how much we love and support her:)❤️ anyway I'm sad we are out but we'll get the next one. Also this gives another team a chance to be in the spotlight:)
