Aydan and Bailey

Prolouge

                                                                       Feb 9, 1982 My Dearest,

Can we tell each other, softly whispering into the ear what we really feel? what we can't say out loud? if feelings could be conveyed without a barrier the whole wide world makes you create, would you let me stay beside you?

I'm walking astray on a dim street heading in the direction of a bright illuminating light, it's calling me closer and telling me to come. Come to another world where no one hides the truth, where people can dream openly and kiss in public.

Will you let me go? I might never come back, you know.

Won't you miss me?

but I don't think I'd want to live in a world without you, bailey.

Without you, nothing would be enough.

Without you, I'd never find happiness and lose myself in love.

No one would drive me as crazy as you do, and no one would fight the way we do. I wouldn't want to touch anyone as lovingly as I touch you. I would want to see your beautiful smile and caress your face, wash your hair and help you relax from over studying and listen to your tantrums and endless gossip.

oh, bailey how much I love you.

Please, don't leave me.

I still remember the way you wrapped your hands around my neck when I sat on the grass contemplating about my dad's surgery. He's gone now, bailey. Gone for good, and I have the house all to myself for real now. I'm going to renovate it in summer break if I'm granted the opportunity to, that is.

Bailey, I'm so scared you'll leave to somewhere I can't reach you.

I'm all alone, wasted and empty.

I don't think i'll go on any longer, I want you as fast as you can laying beside me in my bed.

We could cuddle like we used to and tickle each other until you get angry and push me off the bed again.

They don't have much food here and the weather's really fucking depressing ever since you left.

I work while I can but the other days I give myself time to read at the library. Though, mostly I go there to see you hoping that just like the old days you'd be there with your thick glasses in a corner somewhere covered in books and sometimes I just walk across the shelves remembering those quotes you used to blurt out.

I know I've done you so wrong and hurt you so many times that I can't even count.

but, I don't want you to forgive me either because as long as you hate me, you'll still keep thinking about me and I want you to never forget me even in hatred.

Bailey, please write to me.
This is my seventeenth letter and I haven't heard a word from you in 3 years.

I love you, bailey. Until my soul is ripped out of my body and taken to the after world, I always will wait here. Right where we were born, where we met, where we loved, where we built our dreams.
                                               Yours affectionately,
                                                                   Aydan
                                         *******

                                                    September 18, 1982
My dearest,
Do you sometimes remember the starry night sky from the rooftop? Do you sometimes think of those constellations I showed you from my tasco telescope? I do a lot.
When I'm just laying around the house or just watching boring tv series, I'm vaguely excited to get up to the attic and see them once more. They so remind me of you.

I also framed a picture of me, you, Kayle, Monica and Kent when we went to that road trip in the living room, right beside our pictures.
I loved how you would insist on grounding coffee yourself than having the instant one.
They would always taste so much better and refreshing.
I'm somewhere in the middle of finishing the house now and in a couple of weeks, it'll be all done.

Bailey, where are you now? Are you really in Chicago?
I know you've been reading my letters.
A colleague of mine recently went to Chicago on a business commission and he happened to see you at the post office.
I'm so glad you're in Chicago like you should be.
Since, I didn't hear from you in such a long time, I was beginning to think you never got my letters. Though, It would have been better to think you never did.

It just hit me today that living all by yourself is torturing like I cook for myself, I don't even have to clean the place except for clothes; when I start to laugh at the tv, my voice echoes around the room and it's totally creepy and sometimes the light goes off , so I just sit there for like 10-20 mins cause I'm like fuck it.

Last week, I was in the bus and I saw an ad on a newspaper and it said 'Bailey getting married'
for a moment I thought my heart would leap right out of my chest but then I further read it as 'Bailey hatter..' And not you, Bailey Clarke.

I'm so stupid, aren't I? I mean you're not even a celebrity and in that moment I thought I had lost everything.

But, it got me worried to think it could be that you've found someone who loves you?
I doubt that. If you did, you would write to me.
You not writing to me shows you still have feelings for me.

Bailey, just how long are you going to deny me?
do you really not love me anymore...is it because of Kayle?
It's funny how as time goes, all I'm left with are a bunch of sagging questions.
I went to Ashley's grave yesterday and I told her a lot of things, it's like we're best friends now. She used to be so jealous all the time, now she's happy we don't see each other. Probably.

I'm sorry...for not being there when she died.
I'm so sorry for everything, being an alcoholic, being a drama queen, being a glutton, being a jerk and a chicken.

Bailey, I love you.
I love you so much that it's making me crazy enough to make people think I'm a retard.
There are a few girls who like me and I went on a couple of dates and guess what! They all pissed me off and I wanted to choke them.
No one can replace you.

I see you when I dream and every morning I wake up all giddy and happy and then I look in the mirror and realise it's not real.

Are you for real, Bailey?

21st letter
Yours affectionately,
Aydan