Lit: A Story

Chapter Fifteen

 

I have only had a few minutes of solitude before the young campers barged in my life with their overly enthusiastic faces.

They hurdled in front of the lodge. Goodness, how am I able to return here? I remember staying in the forest, cuddling against Geoff's chest under the sheets. We must have groggily returned around dawn. With the way we had looked, no one will be suspicious. We are not strangers; we have messed up repeatedly before.

The door behind me opens. Jude stands beside me, an irritably wide grin plastered in his face. He passes a cup of hot chocolate to me. Smiling hungrily, I empty the contents of the mug.

"We're working together today. You're supposed to be paired with Geoff, but the big man threw a fit when we woke him up. Doesn't smell of liquor, but he acts like he's got hangover." He pauses for effect. "One more kick and I'll pour a bucket of ice in him! Good thing Pierre shooed me. Pierre, good guy, though' he's been shaking since Ezra--"

"What did Ezra do?" My senses can surely pick up even a speck of that devil.

"Nothing brash, really. He just asked him if they can be partners for today. Stared at Pierre with a smirk, or was that a sneer?" Jude scratches the back of his head. "Ezra isn't so bad." He mumbles before facing the kids. "Line up!"

Ezra isn't so bad? What in the world has gotten in your head, Jude? I want to grab his hair and dunk his head on the nearest toilet bowl, but that will be out of character for me. Placing the mug down the coffee table, I follow Jude.

"Will I need something for the cold?" I shout over the murmuring of the kids. Jude shakes his head.

"That'll be good." He ushers us to follow.

I tag behind the last kid in the line. I have no idea on what we are going to do today. I have only taken a nap on the couch, but remembering the presence of Ezra a few floors above me, I have decided to just fill my stomach. Now this. I have no idea on where Jude will bring us.

It is not that Jude is bad. Jude is the funny guy in our circle -- Tasha, Pierre, Geoff, Jude, and I, that is. But fun is not always a part of our system. Nobody is smart enough to get past the masks we have long been wearing.

Jude leads us to the edge of the Amazing Race field. It is in the forest; the path is cleared for the young campers to see well.  Jude motions them to go first. With hands on the shoulders of the man in front of them, the kids saunter deeper to the field.

Jude falls into step beside me. We walk quietly, the soles of our boots brushing the wet soil and decaying leaves. Something hangs atop our heads. Jude is never really silent; he bursts every now and then. I risk sneaking a peek on his face; his mouth is set to a line.

"Anything wrong?" I ask, my hands fumbling in my pockets. Jude shakes his head.

"Are you sure?" I place my palm in his neck, and then to his forehead. He pushes my hands away. His mouth does not quiver; maybe he does not want to talk about it. I nod to myself. "I'll leave you first to think."

I step away from him, to the direction of the kids, when his thin hands slither on my wrist. His eyes are on my face, blazing with a different sort of fire. When have I first seen that fire? I think hard; yes, it is in Geoff, during the night of my salvation, that I first saw it. Does this mean--

"I know you're keeping something from me. From us." He begins with a whisper; I have to move closer to hear clearly. "I know you have a secret, and a big one, that is."

"Everyone has secrets." I reply. "It is not like I have to spout about everything in my life to you. We have privacies to respect."

"I have ignored this nasty tugging feeling in my gut for a long time now. I have a strong feeling that we're involved. The gang, I mean." Jude rambles on.

"It's better for you to stay away."

"We've been staying away for a long time now." Jude takes my arms and shakes me. I stare at him in disbelief. Jude is livid and scared; I see it in his eyes. "Why can't you just say it?!"

I tug my arms away from his hold, and then I have done the impossible: I have slapped Jude with all the strength I can muster.

We are stunned for a long time. I have slapped him, it has repeated like a mantra in my mind. I ball my fist, facing the side. "Do not make me hurt you intentionally, Jude. I have done a lot of things that will hurt you in the future." I choke back a sob. He sees me.

"I'm sorry." He apologizes, growling in frustration. "I'm sorry. Fuck. It's out of the line. Gah!" He hits the nearest tree. I catch his sore hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He cups my face. I bite my lip as tears begin to fall. Bloody hell, this is embarrassing.

"It's okay, you didn't mean it." I wipe my face. "Goodness, I am a mess."

He laughs at me. The tension breaks. We are bipolar, aren't we? Two messed-up friends, fighting for something that will never be won, their problem is resolved by laughter. I must be insane.

We breathe. We laugh. We hold on to each other. We see the kids on the playpen, unaware of the drama we have caused. I pull away from Jude. "Let's get them now for the real deal. They'll be suspicious."

I lead the way, Jude lagging behind. Secrets, how ruinous they can be. How many problems will it bring me yet? How many people will I hurt? How many people will hate me in the end? I will never know. I will never mind. Before crossing the bush separating us from the kids, Jude places a hand on my shoulder.

"We'll still be friends until the end." He insists before shouting himself hoarse.

There will always be something beyond the end, and by then, I know you will curse me to hell, Jude. I enter the playpen to listen to our activity.