Falling In Love With Her

Freshman year

Freshman year is when I figured out how I felt about her... Well it's more like it was presented by a friend on a whim I had about crushing on everyone. But Anna, one of my closest friends shed light on a situation I chose to ignore, that I was in love with my best friend.

"when you see her your tired face brightens up and you even get chatty"

I started the year nervous, fresh out of the hospital and I even had a new therapist. I didn't have many constants. School was a good schedule. Homecoming came quickly after I settled into my classes. I was asked out my crush's best friend, Dylan. Except I didn't know [xx] was my crush and I was totally giving Dylan a chance. They were the one that apparently  had a crush on me last year. They were nice and since I fall hard, I fell for Dylan. But I was blind. It ended badly. Thanks to my homophobic mother. But there wasn't bad blood. Just a bad breakup for the both of us. I spent the rest of the year single, trying to get over them.

I finally got over them with the help of [xx], and uh... Well because I knew I had to get over it for her. I would to anything for her. But I didn't realize why until later.

Towards the ends of the year is when Anna told me. I told her that I thought I might like this girl a tiny bit. It wasn't surprising since I crush on/made heart eyes at everyone. Anna was dumbfounded, even she knew I liked [xx] but I didn't. At first I didn't want to believe her but Anna presented me so much proof I had ignored that I had to believe it. It slapped me in the face. It was so much. I was in shock at first. Then I was scared. I still am. But I began to accept it. Then I rejected it. But here I am.. I'm admitting all of this. I have feelings for her. For this girl. This girl who is my best friend.

"I have a crush on [xx]" I tell my other best friend, Maria, while we were walking to the cafeteria

"WHAT OMG" she's astonished

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME IT WAS SO OBVIOUS" anna said, walking beside us. We were a good group of friends. [xx] wasn't really a part of the squad. But she was my best friend.

Anna proceeded to point out obvious things I never noticed

"TRUUUEEE," Maria gasped, "I KNEW IT. I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY BUT I KNEW IT," she said as it all clicked into place.

"Yeah yeah okay chill" I say, trying to calm her down.

At that point I started to talk more about it. I rode the bus with Anna in the mornings. She and Maria were the only people I confided in. I ranted and they watched me fall madly in love with a girl who was supposed to just be my good friend. My best friend. Someone who joined us in the morning before school to talk to me. This girl was someone to share crushes with, not crush on. Someone I was supposed to want to hug not kiss. She was someone I wasn't supposed to love.

I spent bus rides to school talking about her. I spent afternoons just texting her. I denied my feelings at first. For a while. But, joked about it, it's how I deal with things. But I never let her know. I could never have [xx] find out.

The year ended with the same, if not stronger, feelings. We went through a lot. She went through a breakup, a few crushes, some friend problems. I was always there. By the end of the school year she was in a relationship, but at this point I accepted that I couldn't go after her. I chose not to. I Didn't want to lose her. I wanted to always be there for her. And if that meant just being her friend I was all for it. Anyway, I loved seeing her happy. She fell for her girlfriend Grace. It was cute. I loved to see her smile. And all I wanted was for her to be happy.