Short Stories

Short Story Comp Rewrite

It's been two years since I wrote that story and Im hoping my skills have improved because I have decided that that was a sucky piece of writing. I started of seven paragraphs in a row with 'she.' This is an attempt at a better version. Its also a bit longer.

Aya wasn't scared of much. She could handle a lot of things. But enclosed spaces was not one of them.

She had just been at the shop to buy some mushrooms for dinner and was heading up to her apartment on the fifth floor via elevator. Let's just say, the elevator was old and bound to stop working eventually.

But of course, it happened when she was inside, alone with nothing but her mushrooms, heading to the fifth floor. Maybe exercise wouldn't have been that bad. No, scratch that, it would have. Exercise is always bad.

She at first banged her fists on the walls of the giant metal cage and yelled curses at it until she felt as if everyone bone in her hand had been shattered into tiny microscopic pieces. She groaned as she sat down and mumbled to herself about how her life sucked and she blamed the government. If her building had more money, they could fix the stupid elevator. Everything was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Her face then lit up as she remembered she had a phone. She had only just gotten it a few days prior and was mentally dancing with joy. Being an adult by now, she probably should have gotten the cell phone a long time ago. But she had no friends. Sade face.

She fished it out of her jean pocket and turned it on. It currently had no password which she would have to fix but knowing her, she would just forget it and lock herself out. She found she was quite adept at doing idiotic things.

As she was about to call someone, she stopped. 'Who do I call to get me out of an elevator?' She thought to herself. She paced in circles as she contemplated what to do and occasionally wished she could go back in time and make friends in highschool that could help her. Maybe socialization wasn't that bad. No, scratch that. It was worse than exercise.

Then she realised that emergency buttons existed and face palmed at her own stupidity. She pushed the green button that read 'emergencies only' over top. Then someone would come and break her out of the small prison. Freedom at last to eat her mushrooms.

And nothing happened. Of course, why would anything happen? Apparently life thought it hadn't toyed with her enough.

She started to get nervous as she felt the air get warmer and began banging on the walls again. She tried to stay calm and told herself to breathe in and out before getting fed up with it and going berserk on the wall. It's not like it could make anything worse.

"Let me out, you stupid... Thing!" She screamed as she kicked the wall. "Ow!" She fell onto the ground and stroked her hurt foot as if she were comforting a child. Okay, so maybe it could make it worse. Stupid walls. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She began to pace around again and stopped as the one light in the elevator stopped working. She froze and stood still as she waited for it to turn back on. But it didn't.

"Why does life hate me?" She asked the roof as if it would answer her. If it did, it would probably be something along the lines of 'remember that girl you kicked in kindergarten? Karma.'

With a sigh, she sat in the corner of the elevator and took deep breaths as she shone the light of her phone in every direction to make sure there were no monsters. She was 21 and still believed in monsters. If anyone had a problem with that, they could... Leave? Be pretty hard in an elevator that wouldn't move. Anyway. They could leave.

The phone made a 'bleep bleep' sound and she turned the screen to face her.

14% battery left.

She stared at it as the charge steadily dropped down and down until it turned off. Her stare changed to a glare as she smashed it on the ground but instantly regretted it and felt the screen for any cracks before putting it back in her pocket. She decided to stand up and walk around the elevator with her arms spread wide to stop any creatures from coming in.

There was no way for any creatures to get in, and if they did, she didn't know how it would stop them, but she did it anyway because it gave her slight peace. She was still trapped in one of her worst nightmares. Which made her realise how boring her life was if being trapped in an elevator was scary to her. Go skydiving or something. Or not, maybe jump of a fence, much less danger and not likely to result in premature death.

It felt as if she was suffocating in the small area. She just wanted to leave. She wanted her mushroom sauce with medium rare steak and some pasta to go with it. But she was stuck in an elevator that refused to let her go!

She angrily kicked the wall again and repeated the same process as the last time she had done that. Except in the dark. Obviously, kicking the walls is not very effective but did she care? Yes, she was in pain.

Eventually, she found herself standing in front of the elevator door, lightly kicking it with an exasperated look on her face. Her eyelids drooped after a while and she gave up. At least it would be warmer to sleep in a stuffy elevator than in her cold apartment.

And then light came in from the door as it opened to reveal three people in overalls. She felt like dancing as the door opened and her eyes instantly widened. She was finally rid of her small prison.

"I'm free!" She yelled with excitement as she skipped down the hall. She then returned to grab her mushrooms and proceeded to skip up the stairs before slipping and deciding to walk.

Luck was not with her that day.

So, is this any better? I think its a lot better but its also considerably longer so... eh. Have what I call a munchy face :1