Starving Eddie.

They said I would forget.

NOW

I pushed the hospital band around and around my wrist, feeling the Goosebumps ride up the thin flesh that covered my bones. I was nervous. Very nervous. Bordering on terrified as I sat in the waiting room deaf to the chaos around me.

It's funny, really. I hadn't felt this sort of anticipation in a long time. I hadn't felt anything, really, in three years. Not since mum died.

My eyes flicker back to the door, and my heart hits my chest as I see him through the warped glass of the waiting room. My dad. He looks older, more worn than he did the last time I saw him, almost 6 months ago now. Its my fault, all of it's my fault, no matter how many times the psychiatrist tells me no one is to blame for mental illness. But that's the problem, isn't it? It's in the brain, my brain. Eddie lives in my brain because he is part of me, so of course it's my fault. The psychiatrist told me not to name my anorexia, to not get attached. But it was too late by then, Eddie already had his name, he was already too real.

As for getting attached, when it lives inside you, it's pretty hard to avoid that. I mean, I starved for Eddie, ran away for Eddie, tore apart what was left of my family and my life for Eddie.

'Hey, sweetie.' I flinch back into reality, the voice so painfully familiar. I look up to see my dad, a sad smile creasing at his eyes.

Before I can stop myself I'm in his arms, and his arms are around me. He runs his hand over the my short bristles of my hair and coughs out a quiet laugh.

'You told me you would never cut your hair short, and look at this?' he says quietly, lightly, and I smile.

'I did a lot of things I never thought I would, dad. A lot of things.' And he sighs, but he doesn't ask, not yet. I haven't told him everything yet, I haven't told anyone yet. I'm not sure if I ever will.

He steps back, eyes tinged with the hint of tears. And he smiles, a true smile.

'It's going to be better. I promise, it's going to be better.'

I want to believe him, I really do. But I'm going to tell you what happened last time someone said that.

It was my mother that time. The moment before she killed herself.

That was when my world broke. And that's when I first met Eddie.