Hir

Prolouge

The sun beaming down on me, baking my white skin, that is so white that I am transparent. I stare down at the cracked pavement as my white converse come into view ever so often. I would look up ever so often to see the white houses lining the street. No pop of color on the house, but the green lawns that would be cut to perfection. Nothing new, but always perfect. Everything has to be perfect.

I picked the wrong day to wear black skinny jeans and my hoodie. Those are the only articles of clothing I actually feel happy in since my mother wanted me to go to school in a skirt. She would always buy me makeup that made my imperfections go away. Since that's what pretty girls wear. Pretty perfect girls. Pretty perfect girls that follow what their mother says. Even though mother knows best, she makes me feel worse about myself. She wants to make my long cooper hair curly, straight, or wavy. Only I just want to hide it in a beanie.

She wants me to wear every shade of pink, but I just want to wear every shade of black and maybe blue or red. Two different point of views, but born from the same family. I always have to change back into the clothes I left with so she does not become angry with me. Since she wants things to be perfect. The perfect teenage daughter with the perfect hair with perfect pink clothes and makeup to hide the acne.

Only I am not that. Far from that actually.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Bella Julia Smith and I am a boy. Yes, Bella is a girl's name, but I am in this pink hourglass figure is not me. It is a cage that my mother has me trapped in. A prisoner in my own body, an actor playing the part of a girl. Evidentially, I am doing well at playing this part since my mother is happy and everyone accepts me. My mother named me Bella because it means beautiful. Beauty is what she sees in me, what she wants to see. She wants me to be like her when I was her age. A cheerleader, wearing glittery bows and a skirt.

Only that is not me. I am not beautiful. I do not cheer for the football team, I want to be on the football team. I love being in the dirt, playing sports, and not being a girl. I just want be in the right body.

This is the real me.

My name is Ethan Dustin Smith. I pick these names because Ethan means strong and Dustin mean fighter. Someday I will be strong enough to fight against my mother. Someday I will fight for my rights to be happy. Only I just want people to know that....

"I am Hir."

Hir is a word that mixes the two words him and her. Since I am both him and her. I am her on the outside and him on the inside. I want to let people know that I am hir. I exist among other who have to conform to norms. Only we are not strong enough yet to fight this battle. We still have to hide deep in our closets. Some locked in hourglass cages like me.

Hir I am for all my closet to see. Since I am not a strong enough fighter.