Hamartia

Fifth

Dear Phil, aka The One I Could Have Saved Should I Have Just Realised What A Stupid, Self-Absorbed Ass I Always Was,

I get it now. I understand why you're gone from me.

Seeing as you'll never get them, these letters I mean, the words I write won't mean much to you, just like you never meant much to yourself, I am only now beginning to get. God, I left it all a bit late, should have started writing sooner, but even so, they mean a lot to me now, the letters. Just like you meant a lot to me and I'll never know why, but forever curse myself that that didn't mean I saw what was going on with you sooner. I loved you, I should have, but that I loved you, that was the problem. Love makes you stupid, it plays a cruel game and I hate but still have to say to be honest with you: I totally fell for all its tricks.

Sometimes, no, all the time now, I wish I hadn't been so involved in my love for you that I missed every warning sign you tried to give. If only I hadn't put you on quite such a high pedestal... Maybe for a second I'd have believed you weren't perfect, but love is blind and I never could have seen your fall coming because I didn't believe it was possible.

Perfect people are never sad. Perfect people don't scream silently into the night, don't spend every waking second begging their best friend to realise they are not, in fact, as perfect as they seem. Perfect people know how many pills to take.

Imperfect people don't stop until the bottle is empty.

It's easy, I see now, so, so easy to cover up your true feelings with something else false. After years of trying to hide a love I was sure you'd judge me for, I should have recognized this sooner but it's a funny thing. You have a certain denial, I suppose, for the true feelings because you just know they're going to mess you up, or perhaps it's just fear someone might notice you're not perfect, that your feelings are a problem that would have to be dealt with. In your case maybe it was a hope someone might notice you're not perfect so you could have had a chance to deal. You must have been hoping and longing for that someone to be me, just as badly as I wished my someone could have been you.

I'm forever sorry I wasn't the someone you needed me to be, Phil, and it's entirely my fault. I can never forgive myself.

If only, if only I hadn't been so selfish, if only I'd taken one second to doubt you, maybe you'd still be here. Just maybe if I hadn't been so deluded into believing your kindness and generosity and desperate, undying urge to make everyone else around you happy was simply what made you perfect. If instead I'd realised it for the cry for help it was, the cover up, maybe then you'd still be here with me now and these letters would be non-existent. You were sad and you were so determined to make sure I never felt anywhere close to the same.

You were always out to protect me, Phil, whether I needed it or not. Now why did I have to be so stupid that I couldn't protect you too, when you needed me all the time?

Love,

Your Dan, who is forever sorry for what he did to you.