The Salty Release of Death

Deathly Liberation

August 18th, 2016 12:01 p.m.

Today is the day. Today is a special day. My name is Bob, son of Bobert and grandson of Boberton, and I am a potato chip. I am at the bottom of the bag of tons of other potato chips. Life as a potato chip is hard; always being covered in oil, being in a crowded area with other potato chips, and suffering from the constant lack of oxygen. I have always relied on stories to keep myself occupied (because I have no friends). Throughout my whole life, I was told that one day, we would be taken away by gargantuan beings. They were known to us as...humans.

Today, we're at the front of the shelf and we're sure to be picked by some human. (Yes, I am aware that I would have no logical way to do this or know this, but I swear to the great potato bag in the sky, I'm breaking the fourth wall right now to tell you to fuck off with your plot hole bullshit. Now fuck off cause there's a time lapse).

August 18th, 2016 2:05 p.m.

I felt the grasp of a giant hand around our bag. It is time. We're carried out of the store and then suddenly...the bag opens. I feel the weight of the other potato chips on me lessening. I hear screaming and a great thunder. The great potato bag in the sky is waiting for me. After many of my family members are dead, I am lifted up by giant hand. I see a giant pink cave with white stalagmites. I am ready. Then, the lower half of my body is gone with a giant crushing sound and the closing of the cave. Never have I felt this much pain, but I hold on for the great potato bag in the sky. Then, I see the white stalagmites right over my head; preparing to close down. I am ready...

As I died, I felt myself and my other body parts descending down a pink tube. As I fall to what I believe is the heavens, I ponder with all of my knowledge on everything. Why is this descending tube pink? Why do we all exist? How the fuck was I created? My parents don't even have genitals. My dad had this tiny stub he claimed to be a penis, but I never had the talk about the spores and the seeds (especially since I'm only two days old). Are any of us even related? Am I adopted?

Eventually, I reached the final stage. A clear liquid with what looked like the remains of my dead family and friends appeared as I reached the end of the descending tube. This must be the heavens. I fell into the baptizing liquid. I felt the acidic burn, but I was ready. I moved onto the next stage of life; my death.

Well? Fuck off. I'm done here

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