I watched as he walked away from me. How could he do this to me? I thought he loved me. In some shape, way, or form. I thought we were close. I thought we had it all. Had it made. I guess I thought wrong, because here I am, standing alone. Here, where everyone and anyone can see. Can watch. Can laugh, or some can come cry with me. I open my mouth to call out his name. To tell him to wait for me. To come back. That I love him. I close my mouth quickly. Why? I thouht we had something! What's wrong with me? Why can't he look me in the eye anymore? Why do I want to hate him, but it's just so freaking impossible. Why did people think we were dating when we weren't? Why does every fucking song I listen to make me think of him? Why does my heart beat fast and slow all at the same time when our eyes meet for a few mere seconds?
I remeber the first time we met, it was freshmen year. My best friends told me to stay away from him. He wasn't good. But I didn't see it. He had such a cute innocent face. What could be wrong with it? Then he started date a friend from grade school. I hated her then. She was lucky to have him. But then they broke up, so I never saw him anymore, and he was long gone out of my mind. But then, the next year, we were so close, it was crazy. We had stare downs, inside jokes, secrets, and I had a crush. They say that girls and guys can never be friends because one always likes the other. My best friends all agreed that he liked me, but I wasn't sure. All I knew is that I was pretty much head over heels with me. But all guys are alike. They all love the chase. The chase is what this boy got. I tried to start a summer fling with on of my coworkers, but summer went by too fast, and my courage went along with it. So nothing happened there. School started up again and I was hoping and praying that we would have a class together. My prayers were not answered, and becuase we had no classes together, he dropped me. I tried so many times to talk to him, but he just blew me off. My friends all say that it's for the best. He's an ass. But the thing is, I miss his so damn much. Too fucking much. I got to meet up with nim, and we talked. We laughed some. It was almost like old time. But then he said that he couldn't stand being around me anymore. I felt tears brimming my eyes. Of course we met in the park in the middle of the day. Where there's sun. Where everyone could see. Did he want this? Did he want to let everyone see that he could do this to me? That he was able to tear me down? He got what he wanted when the tears just poured out of my yes. In my mind, I was screaming fuck you! Fuck you asshole! Fuck all those sluts you're always with that never seem to have they're legs covered or closed. Fuck the world. Fuck my life. Fuck...you. But I didn't say any of that. I just nodded my head and asked why. He said that he doesn't want anything to go wrong between us. But how could he not see that this is just all so wrong. The fact that he's just been pushing me away and now he's just shoving me off a cliff. I felt my heart deflate in my chest. It ached. I felt like I could just crumble to the ground and die. Right there. In front of him. Just so he could see what he did to me. How he made me feel. But I just nodded my head. He got up and started to walk. I got up and followed him. He stopped me and told me that this was the last time we would ever talk. I shook my head. Tears now heavily falling. He walked off.
I watched as he walked away from me. How could he do this to me? I thought he loved me. In some shape, way, or form. I thought we were close. I thought we had it all. Had it made. I guess I thought wrong, because here I am, standing alone. Here, where everyone and anyone can see.
Today, I haven't worked up the courage to talk to him. But I can feel his eyes on me when I walk by him. Before it was the other way around. It was me who was always staring at him when he walked by. Always looking fout for him. Or going out of my way to brush his arm or to 'accidently' run into him. Now, I've stopped. Now I understand. Now I see. He doesn't care anymore. Or he did, and he just forced himself to stop. To make his heart cold. Now it's him who stares at me when we pass each other. Now it's him who's regretting that we met. Now (I hope) he's wondering if he did the right thing. Now he's kicking himself for loosing me. For loosing my love.
But really, who am I kidding? I started to stare back. I started to think about us again. I started to hope again. I started to love him again. Those things were on the bottom of my 'To-Do' list. Now I miss him more than ever, my whole buddy just aches and aches for his love. For his body. For him.
I miss you.
I love you.
But you don't care now, do you?
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Hey there! It's me. This is going to be my diary. I'm going to write about my day, or a memory. Um, but the thing is, I'm going to be adding something or changing it up so some of this isn't 100% true, but it's true coming from my heart. So enjoy it. And if no one reads this, it's fine. I can vent. Thank fucking god.
