Catharsis: Only Sheep

Part 5

Starry eyes surround me. That's what they were. The glinting eyes of an entire pack of teens. They came out into the florescent moonlight, their face paint glowing in its rays. They wore all sorts of strange animal pelts and furs decorated in feathers, bones and teeth. I raise my mirror shard higher in the air hoping they would scatter away. They did not move. Instead they pushed a small boy out from the bushes, this boy looked up at me with eyes of fear. Did they fear me? I lower my mirror seeing the piercing eyes from it. The primal boy sat on his all fours and howled up to the sky, the rest of his large pack joined him. The boy smiled looking back at his howling pack.

"We have been freed!" The boy yelled. The tribe of others all continued to howl up to the sky in triumph. He took my hand and pulled me over, the pack all running close in a strange gathering lifting me up.

"Put me down!" I cry out in hopes they would obey, but no luck.

"She has taken down the over taker!!" Another older boy said. All their hair had been gelled and dyed strange colors, this one was a dark maroon, he looked the oldest therefore I assumed he was the leader.

"We must celebrate!" He shouted out, which was met with many more wolf-like howls. He looked at me, his eyes a bright yellow.

"Please! Join us as our special guest!!" They all howled this time in agreement. I felt strangely compelled be with them. One, little determent from my sheep will be okay wouldn't it? As long as I find them all in the end right? As long as I find them.

"Let's celebrate!" I respond. Everyone this times howls. Including me. They carry me out farther into the forest, yelling, shouting, howling, running, skipping, joyfully heading to a peculiar clearing. It reminded me of a coliseum, a large rocky hole that had several other pack members sitting about screeching and howling, making all sorts of happy noises at the arrival of their king.

"We have brought back the defeater of the over taker!!" He shouted. They all jump up and down continuing their loud merriment. Banging on drums begin. Fast, loud, rhythmic. It beats with my heart. Tons of wild teens got up and started dancing around this centerpiece to their coliseum of rock. It was a pile of shiny stones stacked up to hold a glowing pool of cyan and gold water that illuminated the area. I was set down in front of the rock pile, people continued dancing together waving sticks in the air. Two girls kneel down in front of me, they were dressed with pelts from deer along with giant antler headdresses sitting on top of their heads. Both held bowls of dusty red pigment and began to paint each of my cheeks. More howls ensue. They began to chant together first in a low whisper while they turn to face the crowd, whom were all dancing and watching, playing drums to their beat.

"One with us. One with us. One with us" the girls began, and were joined by every other pack member, big and small began whispering this chant until it turned into a low rumble. The drummers beat on their drum to the words. One with my heart beat. The king takes my hand, the deer girls place on him a lion's fur and mane, the whispers growing louder.

"One with us! One with us! One with us! One with us!" They all say and almost shout. The king smiles and we go into the dancing circle. Every step in sync. I couldn't help but feel as if I belonged. The drums, the whispers, the emotion, moved through me. We may only be jumping about like savages, but being wild felt like so much more. Perhaps this is the only clockwork I wanted. The only clockwork I needed. Chaos in unison. Chaos as one. Chaos as a pack. All joining together because they wished to be. The king whispers to me, our eyes locked in dance around the rock pile.

"One with us. One with us. One with us." His words melding with his shouting kingdom, his pack. He takes my other hand, I'm still gripping onto the mirror, but he still wraps his hands around my fist in full acceptance. Full acceptance. I am accepted and cherished here. I smile.

"One with us" I say. It felt so good, being a part of this. We circled and circled around and around the rocks. I continued chanting with them in the beautiful ritual. I wasn't scared anymore. I went with the king fully trusting of him and his people. He led me up the rock pile. The pool of glittering liquids shined on us. Heart beats one in the same. We are one. And all at once. Everyone, everything, every noise comes to a stop, just like my heart.

"We are one?" I manage to whisper to the king. The king of the wild pack, smiles, leans in and lets me fall into the pool. My heart tinges inside. I see the only his starry eyes and then darkness.

"Until we meet again" he said. I felt myself going out of control. Spinning rapidly, not through the shimmering liquid but through the open air of darkness. Unraveling at a rapid pace. My heart is stinging. My eyes water at the moving air. I am unraveling. My eyes water at the truth. I will never belong there. What little red paint that was on my face runs off with tears. I see the ground rapidly coming up closer. Perhaps I'll stop. Its bright wooden panels come closer into view, every time I whip around spiraling. Scuff marks, glitter, puddles of sadness. My foot hits the ground first in a point, my free hand then out reached to the ceiling where I see the dozen spotlights. My wrists are tied in crimson ribbons. My other pointed out behind me. I am in arabesque. My ankles too, wrapped in this ribbon, I have become the puppet.

Music faintly plays in the background, and applause rings out. On stage with me were several other ballerinas. Their faces streaked in blue and black like tear stains. The audience before me silences as laughter echoes through the theater I have now found myself in.

"Oh yes!" A voice said walking down the center aisle of seats, I could not see him from the blinding stage lights. The crimson ribbon pulls me up and about into a dainty dance and into the next pose. One foot pointed out in front of me, my arms out stretched elegantly.

"I have captured the useless marionette" the voice said, he moved closer into the spot lights and climbed onto the stage. It was the ring leader, one of my sheep, but not my bellwether. I didn't want to face him like this, but not being in control I had to.

"Stupid puppet" he said looking at me, scanning me up and down.

"Look at yourself. You're dirty and tired and... what's this? No longer in control of any of your flock" he whispered. The other ballerinas danced around staring blankly into space as if nothing else out in the world is happening. I choke up a bit at his words.

"You've become only a silly marionette under your own hands in pursuit of the bellwether who doesn't care about you. I am your new bellwether, the only one you should ever care about" He was half right.

"You are not my bellwether" I said in protest. I had only one, and that one I still had to find.

"I'm not? Well then, you are not my Shepard. In fact you are not even a proper human to us. You are only a filthy black sheep." He said, his words stung slightly. But I know that's what they are. Just words. He got close to my face, seething with anger.

"Broken Puppet" he whispered, then went over to a sparkling object on the floor, knelt down and picked it up. I had dropped my mirror shard on the way down.

"You are a monster. And it's sad you can't see that" He said glancing at his own reflection then cut my strings, the red crimson ribbon. I collapse to the floor, no longer feeling my limbs. Shocks of pure pain pulse through me. He tosses my mirror down, the only thing I can do is try to muffle my own agony. The sheep did not look happy. He turned around with a huff and jumped off the stage.

"Don't come home" He said angrily, looking back just barely. I hated this feeling. I deserve all this and yet I feel that he should come back and help me up. But why should he help me? I do not control him. I do not own him. I thought I did, but it turns out to be the other way around. Pain becomes my new lullaby. My whole body throbs now to the absence of those ribbons. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel the sting of freedom and it's killing me.

The spot light dims and then turns off. Show's over, and silence sets in.