The Perfect Mistake

the beginning

Who would have thought at just sixteen I'd be losing my virginity and breaking up with the guy who took it to days after. As I say and looked at myself in the mirror I recognized my first mistake.

This boy I thought I loved and I thought he loved me, but after taking my virginity then walking pass me like a load of shit in the streets two days later I realized he didn't love me; he loved her and that killed me. It killed me to that after all my effort, all that I've done, all my sacrifices he still chose her. So I waited for him and waited and waited and when he was finally done with her he came to me and I told him I was done. I didn't want to be done but i had to I was just wasting my time cause it was obvious who he really loved. After that incident I didn't speak to him (N). I thought it would take me years to get over this epic fail until my night in shining armor appeared. When (R) came into my life it was like I was woken from the dead. All the things I wanted with (N) he gave them to me without me having to ask or without a thought. He saw me as the beautiful little princess I always wanted to be and I loved him for that.
But after a few months he started to change; the calls started coming in a little less, the visits got very narrow, all day texting turn into just a good night and a good morning. Then I started to wonder was this me? Was this all because of me? Did I do something wrong ? Was I the problem?
Because really I couldn't see my (R) cheating on me do I just thought I had done something to him to make him start changing only to find out that his change was because of his EX. The EX he never speaks about, the one that name cannot be brought up in no form if convocation weather good or bad. For a while I tried I really did I tried to win him back over but I couldn't she was too strong or maybe I was just weak. So I gave up I let him go, I went all the way up in the air with such a valuable package just to let it go to shatter into a million pieces.
After making ANOTHER MISTAKE I thought it was really the end of the world for me well with dating I mean, so I moved away from men took my feelings and lock them away in a wooden box where I thought no one could find them. For months it was all about me, my friends and school that was the only thing I had on my agenda. Until (k) cans in the picture.
(K) sigh. I'm not going to sit here and sat he's the best cause really he isn't he can be an ass at times. But at that time he was the best to me he was all I never knew I needed. I could talk to him the same exact way I'd talk to my friends I'd be around him for hours just for him to leave for one minute so I could say I miss him. The only thing I didn't share with (K) that I shared with (N) and (R) was a bed. And I don't regret that because like the others (K) was placed in the mistake corner after five months for doing the same thing (R) did, CHANGE.
Sometimes i wonder if I'm the cause for making them change. Us it because I make myself too available? Am u around you too much? Do you get used to me roo easily? Is it that you've found someone else to make you laugh, to surprise you with all the things I still do but you've gotten used to it or is it that in this generation to be with someone over six months is a crime? To be with just one person is a crime! To say you've found the one you want to spend the test of your life with is a crime! To say I love you is a crime!
NO you tell me cause I really don't know!
What is it?
What is it with this generation?
Why do you think if you walk around breaking hearts that makes you cool ?

Sigh well I guess I was just born in the wrong generation, cause I believe in Cinderella stories, I believe that one day I'll find my Romeo to the Juliet living deep down inside of me and I hope to heavens we'll suffer a better and greater faith. A faith that will be talked about and wrote about as a fairytale for centuries to come.
A faith that will give little young girls like myself faith, something to believe in, something to look forward to but for now I'm stuck, stuck puring all my thoughts in a book that probably won't even be published because it's too personal or maybe I'll just make another excuse.

While in the process of losing (K) I found a (P) and after losing (K) completely for the first time in about a year I felt loved. With (K) i felt appreciated but I knew it couldn't be love but with (P) it was or at lease that's what I thought maybe that was just my feelings clouding bout our judgements. If that was the case I was ok with it (P) was the first boy to come to my house and he was fully welcomed by my mother which was rare. My mother always saw me as a little baby and never wanted me to have anything to do with bots but by the age 19 I'm guessing it was a Norn.
(P) was the first boy I ever slept with and I mean spend the night at his house. Making love all night waking up to breakfast in bed cuddling all day and repeat. He came into my life and showed me a different part of life, a different way to live. He bragged about me to his friends, he wanted to see me all the time, he wanted to know how I was all the time. He showed me off on social media and that was something I wasn't used to he made me feel hold again. There was so much drama before him but he just came and made everything alright again. He took me out of a rocky River and onto a smooth and quiet lack. I loved it and I loved him for making me happy again. This was nothing like what I was used to and I guess that's what I loved the most.
Then I started to remember why I didn't love the social media thing but when I started to remember there were people on our cases, trying to break us apart.
First came his EX's we fought through that storm. Then came my enemies I was stronger in this round but I forgave his mistakes. Then came my so called cousin this one took a toll on me and this is where I started breaking down at the end of this race I still came out a champion but I felt like we failed.
After this I started keeping my distance not visiting so often call got less texting got shorter and I must say this one was because of me but I was hurt and he had no idea I knew about any of his betrayal and I wanted to keep it that way but at the end of the day it's eating me alive and I can't help but to look at the person I once loved and cry shame. It was hard and I tried so hard to get over it but my subconscious just wouldn't let me do I started flirting with this guy. He found out but that was the plan. For him to find out and be just as hurt as I was, but he wasn't just hurt he was angry and I wasn't making it any better one day when we had a very big argument he said things that hurt me and I said even worst and he took down every single picture of me on his social media accounts and I did the same.
And once again I pulled for the mistake box but like the other that i tossed in there I took my time to put (P) in side with nothing but regret in my heart.
This was in November 2015 Dec came and I remained single Jan came the same Feb came and (N) showed up at first I ignored him became I thought he just wanted to be friends but after sticking around he caught me right back into his web on March 13, 2016.