No Need For Love

Chapter One

Living with my father was terrible but now living with my mother is even worse .. It's not like anything has changed , the only thing that's changed is the living arrangements. My father stayed in a not so good place , Southside Atlanta to be exact but my Mother stays in the suburbs . I was never told that I was loved by neither of them the only people who " love " me are my friends but I don't know why there is no need for love here especially for a girl like me . You know I wasn't told I was beautiful either but I guess my name makes up for it Shakina ( Sha-key-nuh) which means beautiful in African . I was always told I was beautiful by people around me though , but I never felt the beauty everyone spoke of . In my eyes I was very ugly. I have an abundance of childhood scars plus the scars I have from recent events plus the acne I have , aside from all of that my school life was okay it wasn't as great either . At my school a lot of people payed me attention but it wasn't the kind I needed but it made me feel like something . Some people would probably consider me a hoe .. because I've had sex with more than one person it's not like I don't regret it but only sometimes. For the moment it felt .. I felt good .. everything felt good .. but after it all the feeling left and I was back feeling my shitty self . Sex was kind of my way of feeling like I was good for something since I was good for nothing else except writing but I only did that when I couldn't keep my thoughts together . People know I've had sex multiple times but they'd probably call me dumb or still a slut . I'd told one of my old friends about it and why I did it but we stopped being friends so her and her sister used it all against me , their were fake profiles .. printed off pictures of my nudes and messages from me and this boy . I had just came to school not expecting anything but as soon as I got out the car people were starring and laughing but I ignored it it wouldn't be the first time I was teased but when I got inside their were pictures of nudes that I sent to my previous boyfriend posted all over the lockers , on the floor and in people's hands . I was so embarrassed I ran into the bathroom where there were 3 girls who decided it would be a good idea to jump me they beat me until I was bleeding out of almost every inch of my body , I was then left there to bleed out , I laid there and cried forever until someone came in it was a guy I thought he was coming to finish me off but he wasn't . He helped me up and called the ambulance , once I got to  the hospital I realized who he was .. It was that boy Ricky from my biology class who was always looking at me and playing around with me but to me he was just another guy who didn't care . He stayed with me for a while so he could make sure my mother came. When my mother finally got there she wasn't happy she even took her anger out on me .. she fussed at me for being so stupid so stupid for sending nudes so stupid for having sex so stupid for being born so stupid for everything. She finally stopped when Adrian , Rocky , and JuJu walked in . Juju and Adrian knew how my mother was , it was all new to Rocky she didn't think that my mother really was bitter. They were talking to my mother as the nurse came in and gave me my shot so I could get my surgery my ribs were broken . A couple months later I was fine , I had went to stay with my father for the break but it didn't seem like I was staying with him cause him and his girlfriend were never there it was always just me . Whenever my father did come back though he brung back men .. men whom hormones were raging at the sight of seeing a girl a 16 year old girl at that . He'd leave me there with them as they would touch me and make me do things that I didn't want . One in particular I could never forget him he was very strong I always tried to fight him off . The first time he ever raped me was the last day I stayed over there for break . I was laying on the couch as he came in the room talking to speaking very sexual to me trying to seduce me but I was disgusted . He then began to take off his clothes as I got up to walk away he pushed me down on the couch and started to aggressively take my clothes off I screamed for help but he covered my mouth and rammed himself inside of me while I was crying and kicking no .. he kept asking me if I liked it and id say no buy every time I'd say no he'd go harder and slap me on my face leaving his hand print , he'd tell me not to tell my father .. It wasn't no point anyway he wouldn't even care he always believed for me there was no need for love so I was miserable but I refuse to make everyone else miserable by continuing to tell you about how my life fell apart ..