Im not okay (I promise)

lost

Have you ever wondered why it's so hard to love?

Do you wonder why when you have those butterflies... the feelings of true love... do you wonder why the smallest things can destroy something so great?

I do.

What happens when the one person that ever meant so much to you betrays you?

What happens when you're left with nothing.

Do you move on?

What if there is no moving on?

What if nothing is explained?

What if they still care?

What if they never cared?

How do you move on when there's so many unanswered questions?

Sometimes I would pray to god for a sign that things will get better... sometimes I think he answers me. I will be given someone new... someone who tells me they love me. Someone who tells me I'm beautiful. Someone who wants to take care of me. Who wants to love me. Who says "I will never leave you" and means it.

But why...

Why do I still hurt?

How many months will have to pass... how many years will go by in a blur?

What about her? Does she even take a moment from her busy life to stop and think? Does she even miss anything? Was it all lies? A mask to hide the fact she never really cared, perhaps she was just lonely. Perhaps it was all a game. The endless nights together were nothing more than self-gratification?

I still see her in passing... I have never in my life experienced such an intense pain. The moment my eyes cross her I want to collapse... I feel all the life leave my body and an overwhelming sadness hits me like a brick. A lump forms in my throat and I can't swallow. I can't breathe... I just panic and want to cease existing.

When she passes by without hesitation it breaks not just my heart, but my very soul. Im left feeling more lonely and more insignificant than I had ever felt before, and trust me.. my teen years were pretty lonely.

I watch her walk away and fade into the distance... 

Does she hurt?

Does she regret?

Does she wish she could hear my voice.. to feel my touch?

Doubtful... she just walked right by... not a side-glance... not a hesitation... not a moment of pain not a moment of weakness... she is gone.. and just like that I realize.... love is a lie.