Part II: Real Man, Always Thinking With My Fists

Anything to Stop Floating 'Round

Brooklyn, New York City, New York. He stands in front of a building that has replaced the apartment where he'd grown up. It shouldn't have been such a shock to see how things have changed, but it is. A few blocks away is where he met Steve, where Steve lived with his parents – Sarah and – and – Joseph, that's it. Wait, no, Joseph had died a long time ago. Well, before Steve could remember him – all his memories are from a long time ago. Without a father or even older brother, Steve had struggled. Bucky had been his older brother, and his family had welcomed the boy as one of their own.

Separating was harder on Steve than on Bucky – he'd always been able to make friends and get along in new situations. The intensity with which Steve approached life could be off-putting to new people. They didn't see the unmoving morality for the gift that it was. Well, maybe Steve doesn't have that problem anymore – anyone who recognizes Captain America would know that about him.

He doesn't stay long here, though not because he fears being recognized. Anyone who knew him before is likely long dead. They won't expect him to still be a man in his twenties, at any rate. There is the slight danger that he might recognized as the Winter Soldier, but he doesn't give that much credence. The photos they have of him are not much to go on.

He leaves because he is afraid. Because he can feel the ghosts of who he used to know, who he used to be, being thrown into sharp relief. Because he can't go back to his old life, the only pleasant thing he's known, so what's the point in being here? Because memories are not reality and bringing them back has only one purpose.

When things blow over, when the news no longer mentions the Triskelion every few days, then he'll go find Steve. He knows where he is – the Avengers are in upstate New York. He's certain he can locate the facility. Getting in might be another story, but surely... surely Steve will want to see him? He'll want to know he's okay, that he's no longer HYDRA's property. What will happen after that, he hasn't dared to consider.

What will Steve's friends think of him? He is all too aware of what is generally thought of him. Well, of the Winter Soldier. Though he also knows Bucky Barnes' reputation. How would people react if they knew they were one and the same? He doesn't want to find out.

He walks slowly in the gathering dark of evening, revisiting old haunts. Some look like they used to, but most have been knocked down or remodeled past recognition. He only knows them because he remembers how long it took to get places. As he walks, he thinks – about his youth here, about the war he died during, about the war he was still involved in until mere months ago, about the future. If he has a choice... What does he want? It's been so long since he's made any choices for himself – if he ever did. How would his life be different if he hadn't followed his father's example and gone with Steve to sign up for service?

He would be dead by now, more than likely. What would have filled his years? Would he have a family – a pretty wife and a few children, then grandchildren? What would he have done for a living? Would he have gone to school to pursue his love of science? Would he have continued working at the plant to pay for it, and then gotten some kind of job in that field? Would he have spent his time in a lab where the experiment wasn't him?

It doesn't matter. The subject has little interest for him now. He has perfected his combat skills over a lifetime and lost none of his edge. But there's no place for that in the real world. So what then? Is he going to join the Avengers and put his skills to good use that way? It's... the only thing he can think of. Not yet, though. Not until he can offer a real person. Not until he knows who he is.

Bucky Barnes is dead. He fell off a train seventy years ago. The Winter Soldier is dead. He fell into the Potomac and never climbed out. So who did? Who pulled Steve Rogers out of the water but didn't stick around to be taken in with him? Who went daily to see a museum exhibit on Bucky Barnes' old life but would never see that person as himself? Who watched all the news segments he could on the Winter Soldier but would never return to that line of work? Who was he?

He has money now – enough for a place. It's cramped and dirty, but he feels great. The landlord is suspicious of him, with good reason. But as long as he can keep paying, he can stay here. It's not the kind of place that asks questions about its tenants, and people tend not to notice anything. Others would see that as a danger but he is relieved. There really aren't any threats that can affect him these days.

After he settles in, splurging to buy himself a new sort of couch that contains a bed in it (innovative, but less effective than hoped), he goes to find John's cousin. Robert Talich, part owner of a construction company uncreatively called Talich's Construction. It's easy to find. Robert is not that much like his cousin, but willing to employ a hard worker with the right recommendation. He tells him to come back in the morning and prove himself.

He spends his evening walking around town, taking in the sights. Things sure have changed. He doesn't think he was ever sent here on a mission – though he often wasn't all that aware of his geographical location. So he's seen a lot of modern cities but not this one – not the only one that would have mattered to him.

Robert is pleased the next morning when he shows what he can do. He doesn't have any particular skills, but he can lift more than the average person of his build (significantly more, but he doesn't share that) and has an eye for precision. It's still a relief to get the job, since he's not sure what he'd do without it.

So he has a job and an apartment. He makes his own meals and enjoys being able to have something fresh and homemade, instead of the glorified MREs he's been eating since – what, 1943? Bucky could cook to an extent, the Winter Soldier not at all. He improves upon both by trying new things whenever he gets the chance.

There is a library near his apartment and he spends a great deal of time there. Catching up. He prefers actual books to the internet – they feel more reliable. But he does try to stay aware of current events, and online resources are best for that. He watches the footage of when the Black Widow was questioned a few months ago, since he hadn't been able to at the time and it feels important. No one has heard anything about her or Steve since then. Rumors are flying, but he figures they are doing their jobs from the shadows, where it's safer after what happened.

Months pass and his routine has a comfortable pattern. He works all day, cooks and reads in the evenings, and sleeps pretty well. When he dreams of something new, he writes it down in the notebooks he keeps. It's a nice life, for now.

As peaceful as it is, he is well aware of the danger that might come. His chosen apartment is in the corner, with an awkward door that has a short wall right in front of it. The door can open all the way, but then one must turn to the right to enter the living space. The new couch fits well between the door and the wall and could be used to block the entrance fairly effectively. There is a fire escape that has seen better days – no one would use it to climb to his apartment (on the fifth floor), but he can use it to escape. He's able to fall pretty far without getting hurt, even if he really hates heights.

He wears gloves all the time. Construction is a good job for him, since they are generally required. No one has commented on his wearing them after hours, and he has other kinds of gloves for when he goes to the library. They are thinner and provide more dexterity. He wears a cap most of the time, and his long hair and beard hide his face. It's winter and he wears a lot of layers to drive away the cold – which helps obscure himself as well. He's rarely worried about anyone running into his left arm and noticing it's not quite right.

The memories that plagued him are rare now. He thinks it's all come back, or at least the majority. Anything that wasn't buried too deep. The time he saw Steve on the highway is still hazy and he thinks they might have made an extra effort to erase it. Older memories that got the same treatment probably haven't resurfaced. He wonders what they might entail, if there's anything left. But it's not something he pursues any longer.

It's been nearly a year and they say HYDRA is gone. He doubts that, but hopes that those who were in the position to hurt him are no longer able to do so. Rumor is that the Avengers are taking down remaining cells of the organization – looking for something. He doesn't know what, but he thinks that maybe... maybe it's time. Time to let himself be found.

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