The Hardest Word

It shouldn’t be hard. No, it really shouldn’t be hard to let it all go and say the one word. So, why was it hard for me? I understand that I was leaving but it wasn’t for good. If it was for good, I don’t think I’d be out in the open. I’d probably be locked away in a friends house that no one would go look. I couldn’t move away from the people who meant the most to me. I just couldn’t. They had become my world within the time that I’ve known them from elementary to now. Leaving just seemed out of the question.

Time started ticking closer. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. A minute closer to the end of the day. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. I probably shouldn’t focus on the clock anymore. Time just seems to be speeding up and it’s not what I want. My brain begins to speak to me, “okay, let’s focus on math instead of the clock.” I turn to look at the whiteboard. I’ve been in my thoughts for so long, that I’m lost on what we’re learning. What did 3.14 times LxWxH mean? Where did the 3.14 come from? I look around in my group. Everyones focused. I looked over on Brytons’ paper to see the work since he’s one of the good kids. Nothing. Nothing is what I see on the white classwork paper.

Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. How did the 10 minutes pass that fast? I look down at my phone for

for confirmation. Yep. 2:10pm. 26 more minutes until I start bawling my eyes out at my locker with my bestfriend.

“Stephanie! Wake up!” Mr. Carty yells out. “What’s the answer to this?” He points to the board. If I could concentrate and try to figure out the correct answer, then I’d give him an answer. I look at the clock. 15 minutes and counting until my doom. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. I look back at my math teacher and be completely honest.

“I cannot seem to fathom what we’re doing. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m sorry that I cannot answer your question.”

“I understand that you’re leaving and you’re nervous but, I need you to pay attention. This is one of the most important topics in Math of the year. You should know this before you move, so incase you have a test on this in Florida, you know what you’re doing.” He replies.

I nodded my head and tried to focus on what he was teaching us. It was so hard. I start to debate on looking at the clock. Should I or should I not? That is the question. I probably shouldn’t, but  I look. We have 10 seconds left. I quickly start packing up my stuff and shoving it into my bookbag.

“BRRRRINGGGGGGGGG.” The bell sounds. I rush out of the room and walk quickly to my best friend, Alicia’s locker and wait for her. Within a few minutes, she’s there and we’re both crying. I couldn’t leave anyone. Especially not her. How could I? She was the best friend that I’ve had since we did cheerleading together.  No one could replace her.. ever.

**5 hours later**

People are knocking at the door for their goodbyes. I don’t want to see them. I can’t know I’m leaving these people too. It’s impossible. I ran to my room before anyone opened the door and I hid in my closet that I would soon have to leave. This closet was my happy place. I could imagine myself anywhere away from the pain. I’m soon forced to come out and say goodbye because we have to go. I hug everyone while my eyes glisten from the water that enbraced them.

Me, my dad, and my little brother get in his black truck and we pull out of the driveway. As I pass my friends house, I wave bye and then bury my head in my lap. I can’t do this. It’s impossible.

**3 days later**

We arrived to the house and I become indecisive and start picking myself apart. Do I like it here? Am I going to hate it? I don’t know anyone. I don’t want to get to know anyone. Who’s going to like me? I’m fat and ugly. I want to go back to New Jersey. I don’t know how long I’m going to be in Florida, but I already know this first year is going to suck. What do you expect? New school. New friends. New house.

**2 and a half years later**

Looks like I’m moving again.. and this time it’s back to new jersey. I’m so excited because I have wanted to go since the whole time I’ve lived here. I mean, I have gone back to visit but I wanted to stay so bad. I just wish I could move on different circumstances.

I go into school with my head held high. This goodbye should be easier since I’ve said goodbye to those who meant a lot to me before. So yes, this one should be easier. It will still be hard because the friends I have, grown on me and helped me start actual high school. I’m certainly going to cry when I have to say goodbye to my best friend Christopher.

Within a few hours, I go to gym and mention to chris that I’m going to miss him so much and we start doing the activity that our coach has assigned us. We have fun but we know that we won’t be able to do this much longer. My thoughts begin to cloud me having fun, which seems to happen a lot more than what everyone’s used to. I begin to think why this time might be hard and I figure it’s because he doesn’t have a phone and he doesn’t go on Facebook often, so I can’t talk to him. But knowing that I’m smart, I’ll be able to figure out a way.

8th period comes quicker than a cheetah running after prey. I find myself in the same position I was before I moved to Florida. I’m in math class. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. I’m staring at the clock, totally oblivious to what’s going on. People could be telling me how they’ll miss me and I wouldn’t have a clue because I’m watching the clock. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. Just a few more minutes until I go and visit the librarian that I’ve come close to as well as Chris. Earlier in the day, Mrs. Spencer mentioned that I have to see her before I go for good because she has something for me. I know for a fact that she got me a present, even if I didn’t want it. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. The clock gets louder with each tick. Tick. Toc. Tick. Toc. 2 minutes left.

“Stephanie, how do you find the slope?” Mr. Osbourne asks. I’m back to where I was in New Jersey. Lost. Confused. Should I tell the truth or should I come up with a false reason that makes no sense at all. I decide to tell the truth because this teacher is the one that would give me food when I haven’t eaten all day and I felt like I would have a seizure.

“Mr. Osbourne, I send my apologies. I haven’t been paying attention because I honestly, don’t want to leave. I have been watching the clock and my thoughts just took over me. I know that Mrs. Spencer is going to try to give me something. I know that watching Chris cry is going to make me end up crying. I don’t want to leave. I would much rather stay here... but at the same time, I want to go back to Jersey. This is all I wished for since I moved here. Now, I have it, and I don’t want it. I’m sorry.” I confess.

“I understand.” he sighs in defeat as the bell rings.

I rush to the library and start crying. Mrs. Spencer gives my brother the card and she pulls me into a tight hug. We exchange the words, “goodbye” and “I’ll miss you.”. She releases me and then chris pulls me into a tight embrace. I hug him back with all of my might. He leaves, and Mrs. Spencer takes me and my brother home. As I get out of the car, I smile. I’m proud of myself because I was able to say goodbye without such a big problem. (: