The Opposite Mirror

One morning, I woke up and I went into the bathroom to look in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the face in the mirror. It wasn’t me. It was someone else. The face looked as it had been drained from all life that it could have. It was as pale as a ghost. You saw the cheek bones. You saw the bags under the eyes. The eyes their self look as if they belonged to a zombie.

Could it be, that depression was staring right back at me? Was this the beginning of when it took over, not only my mind, but my body too? It’s not like I didn’t have depression, I did. I have mild depression, I just chose not to accept the anti-depressants for multiple reasons. I walked out of the bathroom, only to come back into it. Every time I came back, it was the same thing. The same zombie face. I go out to where my Aunt Dee is.. and I just stare at her.

“What?”

I don’t respond.

“Hun, are you okay?”

I respond by walking over to the beige, leather couch and sit down. I ended up staring at a burgundy colored carpet for a couple of minutes. I feel eyes piercing my skin. It’s like I’m slowly being stabbed one by one with a knife. I slowly look up at my Aunt, her boyfriend, and my cousins. I begin to whisper.

“Do I look as horrible as the mirror makes me out to be?”

This time, her boyfriend responds. “What do you mean?”

I repeat it but more slower. “Do I really look as horrible as the mirror makes me seem?”

I get looks that seem to be saying, “are you crazy?” It’s a dull face, but it could be interpreted many different ways. If I were to ask, I would get the response, “What face?” or maybe “because I’m worried about you.” That’s the least of my worries. I don’t want to go out into the open, judgemental world if I look like a depressed zombie. Oh, the faces and comments I would get.  My thoughts bombard me. I sink lower onto the couch. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my little arms around me. I stare out at the door. My aunt must have heard my thoughts or something because she responds with; “You don’t look like a zombie. You look like you do everyday, pretty. Seriously, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Hours go by. Days go by. Even weeks and months go by. Nothing has changed, the only thing that has changed is the fact that I’ve become afraid to walk into any room that includes a mirror. I’m afraid to see the drained, empty life, faced staring back at me.

After what felt like years, I finally agree to go out with my aunt and her two kids. We went out to eat and the entire time, I thought people were gossiping about me and how I looked. I didn’t want that. I was thinking maybe I should go into the bathroom to cry, but then I saw our food. So I tried to ignore the thoughts. It was difficult.

We finish our breakfast and then head back into the black Durango. We begin to drive going about 65 mph speed. We pass our little blue house on fab ave and I begin to question why we just passed our house, but I don’t say anything.

We turn onto the turnpike and go towards 42 South. I come to the realization that my aunt has tricked me and we’re going to the beach. I start panicking, being unable to stop with the thoughts and etc.

“Why are we going to the beach?! I don’t have my bathing suit! Let alone look ‘normal.’”

To my surprise she responds with, “I grabbed it when you were asleep.. and you do look normal.”

“How’d you know that I was going to say yes? What if I said no?” I look at her with a serious, but sad look.

“I didn’t, but I was really hoping that you would.”

I leave it at that. I don’t dare to think of anything else to say because it might ruin the little bit of happiness that I have. It’s been awhile since I’ve been excited or happy. So, I just enjoy it. Finally, a day where it’s not fill of blackness washing over me. I turn on my ipod and press play on a semi happy song.

We get to the beach and I change in the back of the car. I grab my towel and sit by the water. I place my pale, white feet with red nail polish on the toes into the somewhat chilly, blue water. I don’t understand why, but this makes me extremely happy.

After about ten minutes of being at the beach, my friends send me a text “We see you, look left.” I look over and I see them waving like the maniacs that they are. They come over and start talking to me like there never was a time when I was afraid of anything but in reality, I’m extremely afraid deep down, that they’ll mention the zombie look.

It’s about 11am when my Aunt comes over and tells me that she’s leaving and that I can stay with my friends, if I would like. She smiles at my friends as if to say a friendly hello, but I think there’s some kind of hidden message in those icy blue eyes of hers. You never really know with her.

I end up staying with my friends and it quickly becomes 10pm. We have a bonfire going and we’re all just being really stupid. It’s fun. We have been at the beach all day, and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. Gosh, it felt great to finally be with friends and being mostly happy and not worrying about a thing.

I feel like the kid, Charlie, from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower because in this moment, I feel great. Infinite, is what some would describe this feeling. I don’t ever want to let this go nor do I want it to end.

Time begins to slow down after the clock strikes 12 am. We start putting out the burning fire with cold water and head up to the parking lot. We get inside our friend, josh’s clean, new, white Audi and we end up driving to a high maintenance, 5 star hotel. We sleep for about 5 hours and then wake up to begin our second day of fun. Crabbing!

We crab up until about 2 in the afternoon and then head back to Mt. Ephraim. The entire time driving, we’re nearly crying because we’re laughing too hard. I can’t even tell that I’m depressed. I begin to think about how I’m so grateful for my friends and how I should have done this earlier.

They drop me off and I say goodbye. I head in and stare at my aunt who seems to have that suspicious smiling look on her face which begins to move, “did you have fun with your friends?” she questions as I sit on the couch right across from her, smiling.

“You planned it, didn’t you? That’s why we went yesterday. You knew that it would make me feel better. You knew that they’d agree to do it. But, how?” I questioned back.

“Planned what? What are you going on about now?” she responds. Now, I know she planned it and I rush into the bathroom and pause at the door. I still have the fear of looking into the mirror and seeing the zombie, but at this moment, I don’t care. I go in and look into the mirror. I walk out, then walk back in. Is this it? It’s gone? I scream in excitement and wait a few minutes to compose myself then walk back out into the living room. I sit there and watch my aunts actions.

“Well, thank you. It worked. Maybe. At least for a few days, or even a few hours.” I state.

“You’re welcome. It all worked out because while I was getting your stuff, your friends came over and wanted to see how you were doing, so, I told them to help me. I gave them my number and I would text them if you agreed to come out to eat. So, they were there an hour before us. They got your extra pair of clothes from the last time you hung out with them, which seems like forever.”

“I knew you planned something after being so friendly and literally not texting me to see why I wasn’t home yet.” I go and kiss her cheek. “Again, thank you!”

That’s it. I was finally happy, and all it took was a trip to breakfast, the beach, and friends. I thought I was always going to be that zombie in the mirror. Thank god, that I’m not. I do know that my depression will hit rock bottom like I did, but now I know that I just need to go do something that I enjoy a lot. I just wish I knew this earlier.