The Complexity Within

Till Kingdom Comes

    I can remember his smile, the way his perfect white teeth were pointed in my direction. The way his plump bottom lip would stretch as his perfect white teeth were shown. As his thin upper lip was spread against his upper teeth. Those eyes. Those blue eyes that resembled the ocean. The way they would turn a dark gray when he was upset, or the way they turned into the most beautiful crystal blue when they shone with happiness. We have always had a saying, ever since we were little, three important words that let us know that we can go on. To us these three simple words were enough to make us smile after a bad day; however, these words are more important than an I love you other couples throw around. This is our forever, Till kingdom Comes.
    It was a beautiful August day. Fall was not quite here yet but the air was warm and the breeze slightly blew causing a slight chill to run through the air. The sun was just beginning to set leaving a slightly pink hue that would appear behind the hills.We were driving to my parents house for my son’s birthday party. Our son, Connor was already over there helping with the decorations. My husband was driving our white Range Rover, listening to Baby Got Back. He was smiling as he sang along, his body moving to the beat of the music. He was genuinely happy. We were happy. That morning I had found out I was pregnant, only about twelve weeks. We have always wanted another baby after we had Connor,when we were twenty. Now at twenty four we had spaced the two kids out enough and had been trying for months to get pregnant.
    As we drove along the winding road through the hills of Monterey,California we started talking about random things, then I brought up baby names.
“I really like the name Anson James if we have a boy.” I smiled while looking over at him. He glanced at me from the corner of his right eye before looking back to the road.
“That’s a good one. What do you think about Rowan Paisley Jr.?” he questioned.
“There is no way we are having juniors. Do you like Lennon Grace?” I asked him
“I think it is beautiful.” he smiled. He reached over and grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers together he rubbed his thumb absentmindedly over my hand as we drove on. We were about twenty minutes from my parents house, we were coming around a curve, when we could see headlights. Their brights were on, blinding us, I looked over and saw that he was squinting, he couldn’t see as well. His left hand gripped the wheel tight, his knuckles white, his fingers red. The blinding light was coming straight towards us, getting brighter and brighter, closer and closer.
“Kayden!” I screamed. But it was too late. The car sped into us, crashing into us head on. The grip on my hand left, as his hand was ripped from mine. I hit the dashboard before I  flew back again as the airbag went off. My right arm was caught in between the door and seat belt, from when it crossed over my chest. I could hear a snap as pain shot through the nerves in my arm. I couldn’t see out of my right eye and I could feel blood oozing from my nose.
I looked over at him and saw that he was lying in his seat, passed out. He had a bloody nose, and a cut lip. There was bruising on the whole left side of his face. His legs were bloody and looked stuck. They were also sticking out at an odd angle. His left shoulder was not in line with his right one, it looked like he completely broke it off. I could hear a groan and I look closer too see his chest not moving. I heard another groan. I slowly turn my head and looked over to see... me. I was looking at myself. I quickly jump back, and that’s when I realize I’m not in the car. I’m standing outside of his window looking in on them. On us. How was I on the outside when I was also on the inside?  I looked through the window again and see that my chest is rising and falling in short, shallow pants. I look to him and see that his chest isn’t moving.
“Kayden! Kayden wake up. Someone help!” I screamed as I looked around. There was shuffling next to my body and I looked up to see a person. The guy that hit us was standing next to the passenger window looking in on us as he quickly tries to dial 911. I can hear him talking on his phone but I tuned out the conversation as I looked around. We were the only ones out here. The man looked fine with only a cut above his left eyebrow. That’s when I realized his car had little to no damage while our car was completely smashed.
    I walk back over to his window. I went to reach through the broken window to feel for his pulse, but as I reach my hand in, my hand passes through him. I can’t touch him. I can’t feel him. I can hear sirens in the distance, but I keep my eyes on him. I don’t look away from him. I keep my gaze on him when the ambulance arrives and as they take him out of the car. I keep watching him as they load him onto a stretcher and put him in the back of the ambulance. Then I’m standing next to our car alone. I sit down and lean back against the car before I let out a deep breath. I sit there until I eventually feel a tugging sensation like there was a grip on my shoulders like someone is pulling me back.
    The feeling intensifies and I feel like I’m falling, almost like I just got pushed backwards, only it’s in slow motion. My vision blurs and I close my eyes. I can hear the sound of rushing  water, I can smell the salt thick in the air. I slowly open my eyes to see the sun shining on my face. The ocean is in front of me, the high of the tide coming up and crashing against the cliff I am perched on. This place...I’ve been here before. I look around and saw the beach about twenty feet from this secluded cliff I’m at, it’s filled with people of all ages. The young kids playing in the sand. The teen girls tanning and giggling as they watch the the teen guys showing off while they play football. The adult moms holding their kicking infants in the shallow water as they gossip about their husbands that are being buried in the warm yellow sand by their kids.
    I knew why this place looked so familiar, the way that the sun looked when it completely set behind the ocean, the slight chill I got as I was misted, by the water crashing into the cliff. This was where he brought me on our first date. I leaned back and looked up into the darkening sky. A gasp left my mouth as I saw the constellations that were out. I could see Orion’s belt, and the little dipper the same exact one that accompanied us on our date. The gigantic full moon fixed it’s stare on me from it’s place behind the ocean’s horizon. Right as I was getting used to the sound of the water I felt that rushing feeling come over me again, pulling me back in. Closing my eyes I rode it out, anxious to see where I end up this time.
“Nurse, I need a nurse in room 201!” a voice yelled. I slowly opened my eyes and I saw white walls, there were flashes of blue, and a constant beeping sound that was coming from many open doors.
    I spun in a circle as I tried to grasp what was happening. I was in a hospital near what looked to be the Intensive Care Unit. “Room 201, there was a collapsed lung, along with internal bleeding in the right temporal lobe.”  the same nurse said as her and a doctor rushed passed me. I followed them down the long white hallway until we reached room 201. I slowly walked into the room, not being able to see who the person was, as there were about eight nurses surrounding the bed.They were all talking very fast and I could only hear pieces of the conversation as I tried to get past one of them to see who was in the bed.
“Car accident”, one murmured shaking their head.
“Wife”, another grumbled.
“Pregnant”, one gasped with their hand over their mouth.
“Internal bleeding”, someone rushed out.
“Slim chance”, the doctor whispered as he looked the person over.
I was caught in a whirlwind as I pieced the conversation together. “Okay, were in the clear. The bleeding has stopped, the swelling has gone down but it may come back. Lets keep a close eye on this one”, the doctor told the nurses.
    They slowly began to back away from the bed and began to walk out of the room. I watched as they all dragged their feet, their shoulders hunched, the dead look in their eyes told me they were beyond tired as they scattered back to work. I turned back to the bed, a loud scream escaping my mouth as I look at the person lying in the bed. Kayden laid in front of me. He was pale with a slight jaundice look to his skin. His normally pink lips were a blue color, his beautiful blue eyes were closed and swollen, while the bruise that covered half of his face had become an even darker purple
    There was a breathing tube in his nose, his chest was wheezing out short huffs, like he couldn’t take in enough air. I stared at him, lying there so broken...so helpless. I could feel the bile rise in my throat. My eyes stung as the tears formed. I covered my mouth as a sob escaped my mouth and ran out of the room. I slid against the door while I wrapped my arms around my knees that were pulled up to my chest. I laid my head against my knees and cried. I cried for me...I cried for my babies...and I cried for the love of my life.
I don’t know how long I sat there before I felt a hand on my knee. I sniffled, and tried to wipe my eyes before I looked up and into the oceanic blue orbs. A massive gasp left my mouth as I looked into his eyes. He was here. It was him. He brought his hand up and wiped my tears away from my face. He brought me into a hug and I lost it again. I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from my now bloodshot eyes. He pulled away from me before he said, “Oh baby I missed you.”
“Where were you. I thought I lost you.” I sniffled.
He wiped my eyes before saying, “I was checking up on you. Before that I was at the beach where I proposed to you. I could remember it perfectly. Your smile, your tears, it was beautiful. I could hear you crying so I followed the sound of your sniffling and I found you.”
“Wha-What did they say about me?” I questioned
“The doctors said that you have a broken arm and that you have some bruises, there was slight swelling from when you hit your head”, he explained to me.
“What about the baby. Oh please tell me my baby is okay.”
“The baby is fine. There was slight damage to the amniotic sack, it is still growing but they want to continue to watch it.”
“Oh, thank god.” I pulled him into another hug. We sat there in the hallway holding each other  before we could hear the sound of a little boy talking.
“Where is mommy? I want to see mommy.” I knew that voice. I lifted my head off of his shoulder and I saw the little boy come around the corner
“Connolly Drew Hart you had better stop that running, we need to find a doctor.” my mother scolded the little boy. We stood up and I took a step towards my son.
Kayden gripped my shoulder, “He can’t see you.” I shook him off as I walked towards my baby. My mother was talking to the doctor that was in charge of my husband and I . They were deep in a conversation about what happened to us. Connor was standing on a chair that was placed outside of the room and was peeping in through window at Kayden. My mother said something and Connor turned around with his big blue eyes watery, his bottom lip trembling as he looked back at his grandma. “I want my mommy.” he began to say.
“Oh baby I’m here. Turn around I’m here”, but he wouldn’t look at me. He continued to gaze into the room where his father laid unmoving in his twin sized bed. “Connor don’t look at that”, I demanded. “Connor!” I yelled again.
I could feel the tears run down my face, he couldn’t hear me. He wanted me and I wasn’t there for him. “I can’t be here. I have to go.” I wiped my tears as I turned around. I couldn’t do this anymore I need to get away.
I could feel that falling feeling again as I began to drift away. I looked over to Kayden. I didn’t want to go without him. He grabbed my hand and we fell together. I don’t know how long we stayed in each other’s arms before we finally pulled away from each other and opened our eyes. I pulled out of his grip and looked at our surroundings. We were at a park. This park held many of our greatest memories. I looked over at him and saw that he had a smile on his face.
“This was where we met.” I smiled. I remember being about seven when I had just moved here. My mom took me to the park down the street from the house. I was playing in the sand when a boy came up from behind me and pushed me down. He told me to eat a handful of sand and then he would leave me alone. I refused to eat it and ended up pushing him down. From then on we were best friends, we did everything at this park. We would play here, sneak at midnight and camp out here, he was my first kiss here, we got married in the field near here, and we take Connor here.
    The park was old, it had a playground with a rock climbing wall, along with two sets of monkey bars and a pole to slide down. There were different slides, some that curled, some that had bumps and some that were short and fast. There were swings to the left of the playground with a tire swing next to it. There was a bridge that moved when you walked on it along with steering wheels and seats under the playground.
    This park was our everything. We were playing on the swings unaware of how long we were here when I began to get a slight tingling feeling running through me. I was feeling stronger, rejuvenated like I just drank an energy drink. I stood up from the swing and saw that Kayden had gotten off of his  and was now lying in the sand. “I feel weird.” I stated.
“I know, you are waking up.” He let out a deep breath hand clutched at his chest. His breathing was becoming labored. “Rowe listen to me, you are waking up. You will be back in the hospital and you are going to be perfectly fine. You and the baby will be okay.”
“Wha-What's wrong with you.” I asked at I kneeled down beside him.
“My lungs, something is happening. I will be okay, but you need to go. Give into the tingling feeling. Wake up. Connor needs you. You need to go.”
“I’m not leaving you!” I stubbornly tested, crossing my arms I stayed put.
“You have to!” he screamed at me. He pulled me down into a hug. He kissed me on my cheek. “I’ll be okay.” he whispered into my ear.
“What about you. When will I see you. I am not saying goodbye to you. You have to be okay.” I cried.
“Oh baby, it’s not goodbye. You know that goodbyes are not forever and they are not are not the end, they just mean I’ll miss you until we meet again.” he said.” I will see you soon. I promise.” The tears in his eyes told me he was positive we will see each other again.
“I love you.” I smiled. The tears running freely down my face.
“I love you too. Till Kingdom Comes.” He kissed me one last time before he pushed me backwards slightly. “Go.” The look he was giving me told me not to argue. I held his hand as I gave into the floating feeling. I remember his eyes as I close my eyes and drift back into reality. I remember the love in his oceanic blue eyes. The tears he shed were of sorrow and bliss. My hand left his, finger by finger I was forced to let go of my love. I was gone. I was gliding, I always thought I was falling but I wasn't, I was gliding. It felt like being on a swing then tilting back and just letting the wind take you away. I was overpowered by the memories of him. I can remember his smile. The way he would show me his crooked smile when he was embarrassed. The deep hearty laugh he would give when he thought something was funny. But I mostly remember his eyes. The way they would shine will love, and admiration. The way they would glint with amusement when he joked around or the darkness when he was angry The deep blue and the dark gray.
    I could hear a beeping sound. That annoying beep...beep...beep of the machine was slowly driving me crazy. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the white hospital room. I smiled to myself remembering our good times and our bad. Oh I would definitely be seeing him again, in my heart I knew he was going to be okay because I will always love him.
“Till Kingdom Comes.”