With You In Your Dreams

Chapter 4

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was alone again but her words in the dream were haunting me.
"Even if you can't see me I'm always here."
What did this mean? Was she really here? I looked around the room and saw the clock, it was a little after 12 in the afternoon. I hadn't been up this early in months. I picked up my phone and saw I had a missed call from mom. She called me once a week but I hadn't actually spoken to her in weeks. I texted her usually after she called and told her I was ok and not to worry.
I listened to the voicemail, "Taylor, it's mom again. I wish you'd come see us. Your dad misses you, your brothers and sisters miss you. I miss you. Call me okay? I love you."
I started to text her again but changed my mind. I suddenly felt like I should call her.
I dialed her number.
"Taylor?" she answered hopefully.
"Hi, mom," I said.
"Oh god, I've been so worried," she said.
"I'm okay," I lied.
"Are you really?" She asked.
"Well, no," I admitted. "I'm not totally okay, I'll never be totally okay again, mom."
"I know that, sweetie," she sighed. "But it's so good to hear from you."
"It's good to hear your voice too," I said, my voice cracking. "I should probably go though."
I could tell she was trying not to cry, "Oh okay. If you feel up to it call me tomorrow okay?"
"Okay, thanks mom," I said. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she said and I ended the call.
I knew if I stayed on any longer she would want me to come over and I knew I couldn't do that, nor could I have the heart to tell her I couldn't. Best to keep it short and sweet, I thought.
I laid back down on the bed, replaying the dream I had just woken up from. It seemed so real. I could literally still smell her hair if I closed my eyes.
"Kaylee, are you here?" I said aloud.
Of course, I didn't get a response.
I laughed at the thought, she was gone, of course she wasn't here.
I went out to the living room and in the light of day I saw how truly horrible the house looked.
Without putting too much thought into it, I started cleaning.
It took me a few hours but the house was starting to look like it used to look. Well, not completely, but at least it looked more livable than it had been for the last few months. I was starting to feel good again, almost normal like she was just gone to visit family and she'd be back in a few days.
When I was done I hopped in the shower. The hot water felt nice, I couldn't even remember the last time I had bathed. It had gotten that bad. I toweled myself off, threw on a pair of pajama pants and looked in the mirror after wiping the steam off of it.
I decided it was time to shave, but I couldn't find my clippers. I searched all through the drawers then the linen closet where we had kept things besides just towels and linens.
That's when I saw it.
A bottle of her favorite perfume. It was half empty, and untouched since that fateful day. I picked it up and ran my finger over the groves on the bottle until I reached the trigger. I pressed it down and a light mist filled the air. The scent invaded my nostrils and my eyes welled. I quickly tossed the bottle back on the shelf and slammed the door shut. But the smell was overpowering. I rushed out of the bathroom, to the kitchen. I put my hands on the counter and took several deep breaths, trying to regain my composure.
No, I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to move on. I grabbed a couple of beers out of the fridge and sauntered into the living room.
I glanced up at picture on the wall, a close up of us from our engagement photo shoot. We had been smiling, looking directly at the camera so her eyes stared back at me.
Why did we hang that picture? I thought. Why not one of us looking at each other? Why this one?
I glared up at it, while I drank my beer. Our happy faces appeared to be mocking my pain.
"Yeah, you're smiling there," I said bitterly, to myself in the picture. "But you have no idea in just a months time your whole world will be turned upside down. You took her for granted, thinking you'd always get to hold her like that. You think you're going to marry her, you picture her having your kids, you see you two growing old together. Well, guess what? It isn't gonna happen! So keep smiling, cuz in the end you're gonna be me."
I sat there for a minute expecting a response. I waited for myself to jump out of the picture and tell me off. Tell me I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. That I was just a drunk crazy person and ask why I was in their happy home, trying to ruin their engagement.
Of course, that didn't happen so I started talking to her in the picture.
"I never should've took you for granted," I said. "I should've tried harder to go with you when you went back to Florida. I should've spent more time with you. I should've loved you more. I should've never let you drive yourself to the airport that day. I should've gotten my stupid ass out of bed and drove you. If I had thought more about how important it was to say goodbye to you I wouldn't have let you go to the airport alone. I wouldn't have went back to sleep knowing you were driving yourself to the airport. I should've been better to you. This is all my fault."
I don't know how long I cried talking to her picture.
"There you are!" I heard her voice say.
My eyes popped open and she was standing there in a pair of pajama pants and a white camisole tank top. Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun.
"Another dream," I thought, but at this point I began welcoming the dreams. They were better than my reality.
"I woke up and you weren't in bed," she continued. "I got scared something had happened to you."
"No, I'm okay baby," I said, grabbing her hand and pulling her into my lap.
"How drunk did you get last night that you couldn't even make it up the stairs?" she asked.
"I guess too drunk," I said with a small smile. "I'm sorry, Kayl."
"It's okay," she said. "It just scared me but I know that you're okay now."
I smiled and kissed her lips.
"Yum beer breath," she teased.
I laughed, "Sorry babe."
It felt so good to hold her and laugh, like I used to.
"Go get cleaned up," she said, pulling out of my embrace to stand. "And I'll make you some breakfast."
"Sounds great," I said, standing as well. "I never deserved you."
"Too bad you're stuck with me now," she grinned and kissed me again before walking into the kitchen.
I went upstairs to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, which was now clean shaven again apart from some morning stubble.
I smiled at all her bathroom things lying about. Three different hair brushes, two combs, some make up, a hair straightener, and that bottle of perfume. It was emptier than it had been when I saw it in reality. This was another dream where she had never had her accident.
I went back downstairs to find her making blueberry pancakes. I smiled as I poured myself a cup of coffee.
I sat down at the breakfast bar and noticed her laptop was open to the Philbrook Museum of Art's website.
"Are you trying to tell me something?" I asked as she set down a plate in front of me.
"Just browsing for things to do today" she said coyly. "I'm off today and -"
I chuckled, "I'll go with you today!"
She smiled, "What about rehearsals?Your brothers -"
"They can come too if they want," I joked taking a bite of the pancake.
She laughed, "You know what I mean."
I shrugged, "It can wait. My girl wants to go to the museum. Good enough reason to take the day off to me!"
She looked at me surprised, I never called off work. Not even for her. I swallowed over the lump in my throat as I thought about how I had never taken time off of work just to spend time with her. She had never complained, but I should've given her more time than I did.
"I feel like I'm being given a second chance," I explained.
"Even if it is only in a dream," I thought.
"I'm not screwing it up this time," I continued.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she smiled, putting her arms around my neck. "But I'm definitely not gonna complain about getting to spend time with you."
"I should've taken more time off," I said. "I shouldn't have let work come before us, before you."
"Taylor," she said. "I've always known how important your career was. I've never once felt cheated out of anything.
"I feel like I cheated you," I sighed.
"Well, stop it," she said. "You didn't. My life didn't make sense til you came into it. I told you, you're it for me. And you working isn't a bad thing, especially not when it's what you love doing. Promise me you won't stop doing what you love doing because of me?"
I stared at her, how could I promise something like that? I had already given it up because I had lost her. How could I make a promise I'd already broken?
"Promise me!" she repeated firmly.
"I - I promise," I said, looking away.
"Good," she said. "Now stop this crazy talk and go get ready for rehearsals. We can go to the Philbrook another time."
I smiled sadly, "You have no idea how perfect that all sounds but -"
"But nothing," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Don't make me drag your butt down there! I am not about to have my future husband become a slacker! You've worked too hard to ruin it all on my account. I would hate it if you lost your passion because of me. I fell in love with you because of that passion, that drive you have, don't give that up."
"It might be too late," I muttered softly.
"It's not too late," she said, shaking her head. "It's never too late."