Miss Tara

Chapter six

December - New Year's Eve

She is moments from ending. Moments.

Voices are echoing all around her, louder and louder, counting down to her conclusion.

The clock ticks on.

She can feel the entirety of earth rolling beneath her stiletto heels and she feels humble again, stirring the universe. Remembers Fabian, remembers his womanizing ways - reminds herself that yes - indeed, there is no possible way for them. She tries to look past it, shivers in her frilly dress - all the memories. The image of her mother's lifeless form, the grand family. Mum at Christmas, Father reading the paper, old Elizabeth looking down her nose at her. Stupid Tara, stupid, stupid, little Tara.

She wonders if Elizabeth still comes around his house every week, refilling his fridge. Elizabeth, cross-eyed with disappointment, Dad needs us, Tara, needs us -

He appears then, like a knight in shining armour.

"Nobody should spend New Years alone."

To breathe is to forget. To breathe is to pretend.

"I'm Tara."

"Charlie."

She once told Fabian that she didn't have time for love and had watched as he had wiggled his hands. Cobwebs, Miss Tara. Charlie clinks their glasses and she knows that this is the beginning of her latest chapter. Tara in love.

2010

June

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

It is like Newton's First Law of Motion: objects that are in motion will remain in that same motion until compelled by another force. She can feel her life shifting as she is unable to steer it away from this. Fabian's gaze is one she wishes to avoid.

"I'm not looking at you in any way."

"You are. You're like going all freaking Yoda on me -"

"No. You're allowed to - to -"

His exhalation is shuddering, like staccato raindrops against windowpanes.

"You're allowed to have babies with whomever you please."

--

November

There's a song about you, Tara -

She thinks about those words a lot, now.

There is great patience in the press of Charlie's mouth. She keeps her eyes open when they kiss.

( A sign ).

They meet for dinners, all three. Her protruding belly is like a flashing neon-sign of love. Nuclear-family coming up.

Tara feels like a record playing backwards, played out like her mother - Elizabeth's words again: I don't think they knew who they were - or - or who they could be -

Everyone has regrets. Everyone has scars. Fabian has three.

2011

June

The dawn rain feels like a catharsis.

She stands there for some time, allowing the rain to soak through her clothes, pushes away any images, erases sentences, a distant touch. Charlie's face, his mouth, sloppy against the side of her throat - his hands - hands caressing her (missing) bump. Charlie - faithful, beautiful Charlie. We'll survive this - we're greater than this -

He emerges then, into her dreams and thoughts, woven into each corner of her mind. She can recall the smell of his hair, the thrill of his laughter and his Irish taunting voice, his breath between her thighs - I still think about you. Is that mad?