The Mistakes I Have Made

What Have I Done?

"Would it be weird if I said I wanted to be your first kiss?" Parker asks as we sit on the band bus, wrapped in each other's arms.

"A little, but it's also kinda sweet," I reply as we look into each other's eyes for a few more seconds, until we both turn away and sit in silence the rest of the way home. Since neither of us are really talking, or anything else for that matter, I decide to think about my relationship with Parker a little bit. It all started when he was looking all sad while our band director was talking about how we did in our first marching performance of the season. And of course, me being the sympathetic person that I am, I decided to comfort him and make sure he was okay. He immediately told me that he's suicidal and has depression. So I decided to sit with him on the bus ride back to the school. We then talked about his crappy family life and why he was just kinda done. I tried to convince him it would all be okay, but I don't know how much I really helped. Anyway, he leaned on my shoulder for a while and we became friends. He texted me later that night and told me that he liked me. I told him I liked him back, which I did at the time, but we decided not to date or anything because we had just barely met.

A week or so later he told me that he loved me. I was very taken aback. First of all, because we'd only just met. Second of all, he's two years younger than me and it just kind of felt weird. And third of all, I still wasn't ready for a real relationship yet.

It's now been about a month since we first met, and he's telling me he wants to be my first kiss. And yes, I am sixteen, almost seventeen, years old and still haven't had my first kiss. But back to the point, I guess I just feel like we're moving a bit fast for being a freshman and junior in high school. But thanks to my kind, caring, sympathetic side, I can't figure out how to tell him that.

So I continue to just cuddle with him on the band bus until one day he decides to sit with someone else. A girl. I look behind me and find them cuddling and holding hands. And normally that wouldn't bother me since we aren't even dating, but three days ago he asked me to go to homecoming with him. And he never even mentioned the fact that he had a girlfriend, even a few days after the bus situation. Now I am just kind of distancing myself from him for a while and don't end up going to homecoming with him. But a couple weeks later, he's broken up with her and I decide to forgive him. So we go back to our awkward little relationship, that I refuse to actually call a relationship, where we just cuddle and hold hands on the band bus.

He texts me a lot saying that he loves me and wishes I would be his girlfriend. And when I just want to be with him and sort of sleep or read on the bus, he complains that I don't talk to him. But I don't really mind that stuff that much, I'm just really tired a lot and don't want to move too fast into anything. But the thing that does bother me is that when we do talk, he only wants to talk about his depression and family problems. And when I try to talk to him about something I'm having a hard time with, he just brushes it off and turns the conversation back onto himself. The only reason I've put up with it this long is because I just really want to help him be happier. The only problem is, I don't know how.

Today he tells me that he was finally taken off of suicide watch, and that since his parents won't be home tonight, he's going to kill himself. And I take that really personally. Because I really hoped that I could be a reason for him to live. So I just keep texting him all night, hoping I can say something to talk him out of it. But the next day I talk to my best friend Paige, and she tells me that Parker was texting her last night, and she was trying to talk him out of suicide too. Earlier this morning he had apparently texted her, thanking her for saving his life. He had already told me that she was the one to talk him out of it, so that wasn't much of a shock. What is a shock is that he told her that he likes her. Completely forgetting that I even exist. And I can't help but shatter right there in the middle of the class room. I really, really, liked him, and he betrayed me. But what makes it worse, is that he texts me again saying that he wants to be more than friends. And that's when I lose it. I end up telling him that he can't just play with my emotions like that, and to leave me alone. But of course a few weeks later I just forgive him again and we go back to the way we were. The only problem with this is that I lose a bigger chunk of myself every day I'm with him. But I don't care, because somewhere in my twisted mind I think I'm helping him. When in reality he's just destroying me and everything I stand for.

After marching season, I finally decide that I have had enough, so I end it once and for all. And I haven't looked back, too much anyway, ever since.
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Pictured in cover: Brittany Brian

Pictured above: Parker Pratt