The Tale of Sir Wacko

"Sir Wacko! Where art thou?"

The peasants all looked up to see Lord Picky calling out the window of his stone castle. It was not an uncommon sight to see the burly noble yelling for all to hear, his three hairy chins jiggling and a gentle breeze combing his wiry auburn hair.

"Sir Wacko!"

At this exact moment, a lanky knight scurried into the room. His armor seemed to weigh down his tall, thin body, and his helmet was tucked under his arm. "Yes, my lord?"

Lord Picky took the young knight's arm and led him to the window. "Look."

Sir Wacko's green-gray eyes squinted. "What?"

"See it?"

"No, my lord."

Lord Picky grunted. "It's right in front of thy stupid face!"

Sir Wacko's eyes reopened. "Oh. That," he said, staring at a burning village off in the distance. He shrugged. "What about it?"

The noble smacked his forehead in exasperation. "It's a dragon, Sir Wacko."

"A what?"

"A dragon. A huge lizard that flies and breathes fire."

"So?"

"So? So?" Lord Picky grabbed the knight's shoulders and shook him. "If it comes any closer, our village will be destroyed just like that one!"

"Oh," Sir Wacko replied. "And what does that have to do with me?"

"Thou hast to slay the dragon."

Finally the knight's face showed emotion. His whole body trembled, his eyes were wide, and even his mousy brown hair seemed to fear the great beast. "I can slay it. I can. I can do it. I can do it easily."

Lord Picky thumped him on the back. "Good. If thou art able to slay it, I will give thee my daughter's hand in marriage."

Sir Wacko raised his bushy eyebrows. He'd been appointed a knight only a month ago, and he was eager to become proud, handsome, and brave like Sir Arrogant, the knight he'd been a squire to. The only thing was, he'd have to get his own squire to obey him for once.

Just then, a young boy walked in. He was short and stocky, but one could argue that he was much handsomer than his mentor. With his sparkling blue eyes and fiery red hair, his attempts at flirting were much more successful. Sir Wacko tried not to grimace.

"Ah, Dashing," Lord Picky said with a smile. "Just who I needed to see! Sir Wacko is going to slay a dragon, and thou art to help."

Sir Wacko touched the sword tucked under his belt. "I do not need your help," he hissed at Dashing.

Dashing rolled his eyes. "Yes you do. I could fight a dragon in my sleep! You, on the other hand..."

Lord Picky sighed. "Just go save the kingdom!"

It was a long five-hour walk to the dragon's cave. Unfortunately for Sir Wacko, he couldn't lose Dashing in the trees, and unfortunately for Dashing, Sir Wacko couldn't seem to stop singing. As they reached the entrance to the cave, he slapped the talentless knight's mouth shut. Sir Wacko pried his hand away and put on his helmet.

"Are you sure you can do this?" Dashing groaned, rolling his eyes.

"I was trained under a wonderful knight. And now you are being trained under one as well. Watch and learn." Sir Wacko rubbed the squire's head and confidently strolled into the cave. In only a matter of seconds, he ran out screaming.

"Sir!" Dashing yelled. "Calm down! You have to do this for the village! For the kingdom! And don't forget about the maiden! If you marry her, I might get to meet one of her beautiful sisters!"

"This isn't about you!" Sir Wacko cried.

Dashing frowned.

Sir Wacko grunted in disgust at the boy, turned on his heel, and walked away. "Goodbye, Dashing! I shall find a new squire!" Little did he know, he had sauntered right back into the dragon's cave. He only lifted the mask on his helmet when he bumped into one of its scaly legs. Shaking, he tried to run back outside, but the creature was too swift and blocked the exit before he could leave.

"Don't hurt me!" the knight squeaked as he put his mask back on. Just then, the dragon exhaled, and the feather atop his helmet caught on fire. Sir Wacko screamed as he ran around the cave, his chainmail armor clanking. His sword fell to the ground.

The dragon watched him in amusement. Perhaps he'd found himself a new jester. Then he remembered that this crazy knight was obviously here to slay him. But the dragon didn't worry much. There wasn't much this fool could do to hurt him. So he began to chase the terrified Sir Wacko around the cave.

As the knight became exhausted, which didn't take long, he backed up against the rocky wall. The dragon's face was coming closer, blowing smoke on him and getting ash all over his new armor.

"Just let me go!" Sir Wacko begged. "There's this maiden I want to marry, and I want to be known as brave and powerful! So, um, could you just let me go, hide here forever, and pretend you're dead? Please? That would be of so much assistance! And if you insist on fighting, there's a stupid squire out there who's desperate to impress all the maidens in the kingdom!"

Of course, the dragon was already having a bad day, and he disagreed with the knight's frantic pleading. He took another step forward.

Dashing covered his ears as a loud roar shook the earth, then dropped to the ground as fire spat from the cave. As he got up, he felt a pang of sadness. His knight was dead. But then again, it was only a small pang.

Then, as smoke filled the air, a silhouette appeared. Dashing grabbed a nearby stick, prepared to fight the dragon himself.

But the shadow was much smaller and skinnier than that of the dragon. Dashing sighed as Sir Wacko strutted out, covered in soot.

"You slayed it," Dashing said, trying to hide his disappointment.

"I did," Sir Wacko said confidently. "I had a strategy."

"More like a miracle," Dashing muttered under his breath. The knight didn't seem to hear him.

"It was furious! I pretended to be scared..."

"Right. Pretended."

"I backed up against the wall, leading it toward me, then it stepped on my sword and fell, hitting its head on a boulder. As it roared its last, I hid behind a rock and escaped the flame." Sir Wacko was standing tall and proud, but he was still trembling.

And for once, his squire was jealous of him.

As Sir Wacko told the tale, which was now much different than what had actually happened, his fiancé listened intently. Her name was Ditzy, and she believed just about everything she heard. She also had a tendency to forget everything, including her own name, and constantly ran into walls, but she was pretty. Her ankle-long hair was a beautiful shade of dark brown, and she had pale skin and attractive blue eyes. She liked the knight quite a lot, and luckily for the squire, she did happen to have a sister.

So basically, they all lived happily ever after.

Until the dragon's cousin arrived.