Catch 22 (Harry/Draco)

That's Why You

Draco's obsessed with sex and it's all Harry's fault; Blaise is once again on the warpath, Slytherins raid the Hospital Wing, and too much Harry really can be bad for Draco's health.

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'Where the hell are we?' Draco says, half an hour later. 'Are we almost out of this God-forsaken place?'

'Nearly. Shh.'

'Don't shush me, Potter. If I have bugs in my hair, I swear, I'm going to make you eat them.'

Harry rolls his eyes; he has quickly discovered that it is no use telling Draco to be quiet, because Draco never stops talking. Telling Draco to be quiet is like telling Hermione to put down a book—good effort that goes to waste.

It's fine, though, because in a weird sort of way, Harry finds the chatter endearing.

'Here,' Harry says, stopping before the trapdoor and holding it open. 'Go in, and try not to touch anything.'

Draco eyes the passage warily before giving Harry an accusatory look. 'What is this place?'

'It's fine, just go.'

'If it's fine then why all the secrecy?'

'Because,' Harry says, and angles himself behind Draco to shove him forward into the Shrieking Shack, 'if you run out of here screaming like you did from the Forbidden Forest, someone is bound to hear it and I really don't want them to seal off this passageway.'

'That wasn't screaming! That was raising the alarm! And why would I—oh…' Draco stops as Harry closes the door; he looks around very quickly. 'Oh no, Potter, this is not what I think it is. Please tell me it's not what I think it is.'

'Okay,' Harry says with a shrug, attempting to mollify him. 'It's not what you think it is.'

'You're a terrible liar,' Draco tells him. He is still looking around suspiciously. 'Why, why, why did you bring us into a haunted house? Do you do this for fun? Is having frequent tangos with death your official hobby or something? Is that it?'

'It would certainly explain a lot,' Harry says, considering. 'And it's not haunted, come on.'

Draco hurries to keep up with him as Harry climbs the stairs out of the basement towards the ground floor. 'How do you know it's not haunted?'

'Because,' Harry says, and pauses on the stairs. He considers something for a moment, then looks over his shoulder at Draco. 'D'you remember Professor Lupin?'

'The werewolf?' Draco asks. Then his voice rises several pitches as he hisses, looking alarmed, 'There's a werewolf in here?'

'No. Well, not anymore.' Harry continues up the stairs with Draco jogging to keep up. 'Lupin was a werewolf before he came to Hogwarts. Dumbledore built this passageway so Lupin could come out once a month to transform and not miss too much schoolwork. The Whomping Willow was planted to keep anyone from wandering in on him by accident.'

'So the screams people heard—'

'Were him, yeah,' Harry says as he reaches the main floor and dusts off his jeans. 'This place was never haunted.'

Draco relaxes slightly at this bit of information and looks sideways at Harry. 'How did you find all that out?'

'Er,' says Harry. 'It's a long story.'

'Is there any sex?'

'What?' Harry asks, startled.

'Sex,' Draco repeats. 'All good stories involve sex. If there isn't any sex, then I don't want to hear it.'