because of him

Lying on my bed with a pillow on my chest, I am staring blankly at the white ceiling of my room.
My hands are wet with tears and are shivering, my eye bags are noticeably baggy and dark this time, tears are dripping down on my face from my eyes, dehydrated now and reddish.
My shoulder feels cold while my stomach cries out of hunger. I haven't eaten since the affair I have attended the other day. I haven't had even a glass of water, I haven't changed my clothes, I haven't done anything yet for myself. I have locked the door of my room and told everybody in the house that if anybody is going to open that door other than me, myself, I would surely kill myself...

I've been here for almost 38 hours now... still alone, lying on my bed, crying and I feel like dying...

I am not able to move myself for I feel as if a pound of metal is hanging on both my hands and feet...
Just beside me is my study table with a partly lighted lamp, on top of it is a bottle of sleeping pills that they recommended for me to take in 5 days ago...

I want to move my body, I want to grab that bottle and take at least a dozen of sleeping pills. I really wanted to do that so I would die and be with him, but then, I can't move... still, I am lying here on my bed and staring blankly at the white ceiling of my room...
I can't move, my eyes were fixed on that ceiling for almost 8 hours now.
And I don't want to take my eyes off that ceiling...
Ask me why? It's because he is there.

I see him there.

He smiles at me, and then his vision would be blurred, then, he would reappear himself, that goes on for almost 10 hours now...
I know I am just hallucinating, that in reality he isn't there, he isn't anywhere and he wouldn't be anywhere anymore...
And I am crying for almost 8 hours now because of that reality that he would no longer be here with me... and he died just 5 days ago, he died!
He left me!

... I am alone, seated under a tree, staring at the blank horizon with teary eyes when a young man waved at me and startled me.

"Oh my! Shocker! What a!... Ah!" I grinned at him while my tears are falling down on my cheeks...

"oh, sorry... I thought you were just day dreaming or maybe hal-lu-ci-na-ting, and I just want to make friends with you, so, I approached you and...this...sorry...I didn't know you'll cry... I'm really, really sorry..." he was then apologizing in a polite manner.

A gray car just passed by and I blot out to tears... I saw my father inside the car... he is leaving us...
I cried and cry not minding the guy with me...

"Hey, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? Oh, please tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying? I'm not doing anything to you...miss...
please...Maybe, I could help you..." he said and offered me his white handkerchief.

"Okay, calm down, relax. Now, tell me what's wrong...I'm listening..." He said.

"Mm...My father is leaving us... he is in that car. (I pointed to the fast moving car far away from us)... he will never come back anymore... he is leavi8ng us..." I cried again.

"Is he leaving for work? If he is, then, that would just be for your family's good... So, stop crying now and pray for his safety rather than just crying there...as if he's dying...oh, sorry..." He's calming me down.

"No! he will leave because there is a third party. He has another woman and another children... he's leaving us because he said, my mother and I can manage on our own now for I am now able to help my mother with the things she does, he said that we two could now live without him and he's going back to his family with his other wife and three children... He had been keeping this for long, no! Not only him, also my mother. For all those years, she knew about it and just didn't tried to tell me... And the right time has come for me to know the truth...And I can't do anything now to prevent this from happening...Could you help me? Please, tell me what to do now!" I told him.