Blossoming With Her

scraped knees

you know that feeling when you're a kid and like someone for the first time? you have that rush of unnecessary emotions and it becomes a slight obsession? i miss that.

after accidentally sleeping with someone twice my age, who has luckily moved back to europe and i will never see again, my addiction to pleasure has become nothing compared to my alcohol obsession.

every bar i walked into had a different feel to it. when i was 15 it did. when i was confused about my sexuality and harassed the poor girl i had feelings for so badly. when mum still called. when dad's lungs weren't corrupted. when the money i was showered with felt like a blessing. when everything was still balanced. when everything wasn't so bad.

every bar i walk into now has the same feeling. the same people. the same drunks. the same underage kids. the same drinks. the same mistakes. the same promises. the same heartbreaks. the same hook ups. the same nights. the same one night stands. the same alleyway kisses. the same love.

tonight didn't seem so bad. i walked through the dark alleys of london. with glitter on my eyes and vodka in my hands, i stumbled. many men had come up to me, asked me to drink with them, to go home with them, to kiss them, to show them affection. but tonight wasn't about that. it was about cutting myself off from everything and everyone. feeling alone in a crowd of people.

as midnight past, my high heels carried me to the high street, where I began to sing. i wasn't sure what i was singing, but i felt like it. people began to stare. eventually police cars came. the sirens echoed in my ears like the words that people whispered around me,

"she's so drunk."
"where are her parents?"
"who does that?"
"she's so young."
"she's so lost."

i was eventually sat into the police car and drove somewhere.
the flashing lights of the city streets reminded me that maybe im not the only one like this out there. maybe underneath those bright lights and stupid smiles someone else wants to just sit and cry.