At certain times, we feel ourselves fall apart from the natural realm of reality. We look in the mirror day to day and reevaluate why our lives are so worthy. I wake up; I feel that pit in my stomach that reminds me of the stresses I left alone that night. I walk by the mirror to check my hair, making sure it is ungreased with no flakes of skin or a single piece of dirt because a shower that night was not an option for my tired/overworked soul. I walk by the mirror to check my face to see blemishes that occur from the night and when I see multiple, the levels of my self esteem decrease much more. I walk by the mirror with a smile that has seen many broken possibilities and a dimmed light. I walk by the mirror to see my eyes bagged and black from last nights makeup that I never washed off. I make sure I'm not leaving without a stitch of makeup on my face or my hair done to impress that certain man holding my heart. My esteem won't allow it otherwise. I walk by that mirror, I don't see myself anymore. I see a fail. I see a mistake. I've fallen. I miss my old self. I don't see why things have to be the way they are or why things like this happen. I fall into the pit of despair I dug for myself. To escape my pit of despair of my past, Mississippi, I move. I leave. I shut the door. I moved and made it happen all over again In Ohio. The heartbreaks, the drama. I've fallen to my knees asking God why this has to happen. All over again, no Lord, not again. I see myself drowning into the arms of depression's waters. It has come to take me. Why me? What do I do wrong? I killed myself. I killed my self esteem, I killed my self worth. I let a man in on my sacred sobriety of my soul, my body. He took over my whole life. He took my hand to the unquestionable alley of broken promises and sad returns with my eyes blinded and heart at full work. I've witnessed the knife in my heart as it's taking turns being twisted to the left for every kiss and to the right for every touch left on my body. Both his hands on the dagger. I leave that horrid alley with an unfortunate feeling in my stomach that allows my body to shut down and necro. I've been marked again with my mind's demon's claws on my heart, his name is anxiety. He makes me bi-polar, sad, scared, and my heart necro's to its return. It's possessed me enough to take over my mind and soul. The devil and his whispers have came together and filled my ears, and I've realized the only way to help myself is to be killing myself slowly. I turn to the bright side for visiting hours to find myself being pulled back by my hair and thrown into the prison cell of my damaged mind. He has returned with his foul love with his deceiving smile and his arms wide open to welcome me into my home of despair. He thanked that man for what he has given me. That bottle touches my lips, he rejoices, that pipe touches my lips, he sings, that pill touches my lips, he hugs me, that needle touches my arm, he smiles. He leaves with his evil smirk when the deed has been done, only to return the next hour or so. The man who left me, killed my heart and my soul with the scars he left on my body from his broken love. The man who kissed me with the lips of deceit, the man who entered my body with his own, the man who touched me with those hands, he left me; there he goes, I'm left with a single handedly broken heart beating its last beats and it tries so hard. My poor soul tries. It's tired of trying. I'm tired. I've retired from this life of hurt and pain; here I go back to the woman I was before with the man before him who left a deeper, permanent scar on me. Ive became cold. Ive become better. Ive became powerful. I am restoring myself minute by minute and letting myself know it's not the end of the world. I know what he's doing isn't anything Im doing or feeling anything I'm feeling; it's time to let go. It's time to rejoice that he wasn't the one to handle me for what I was, a natural born freak. I've given myself too much only to be used and abused. He couldn't handle me. I'm crazy, and more psychotic than any other woman I've ever met. I'm protective and prideful with my love. I stand tall an strong for what I believe in and make hasty decisions. Here I stand, my hand raised high telling depression to fuck off, telling anxiety I don't need him anymore. I never did. Here I am, embracing the person I like being, evil. I love being dark. I love becoming a demon of its natural works. Fuck having a heart. Fuck it all. I am Alexis. 😈
