He stared at the table top, the crystals of salt settling on his fingertips from the French fries. Of course my side was empty, I didn't have to eat when I was with Finn, I didn't have to pretend.
He didn't notice when I declined snacks.
He didn't notice when I binned whole takeaways.
He didn't notice when I skipped 3 meals in a day.
He didn't notice me. He didn't care.
I shook my head to push the thoughts from my mind, the possibility that Finn didn't care for me.
He was Finn.
My Finn.
"You ever read Romeo and Juliet"?
My head snapped up as Finn didn't usually start the conversation, and I smiled a Cheshire Cat smile.
"Course".
"You think she was a real person? Her story is infinite".
I stopped to think about this, about how if she did exist, the world knew her name. Everybody knew Juliet Capulet, she was no longer just Romeo's sweetheart. She belonged to the universe, she became the stars and the pages of books and the lyrics of songs.
She became timeless,
immortal.
"I suppose- when a writer falls in love with you, you can never die".
I smiled at the thought of this, at another beautiful set of words just flowing from Finn's tongue.
Maybe we were like Romeo and Juliet.
If Romeo was broken and Juliet shoved 2 fingers down her throat every time she consumed food and Romeo didn't really love her and Juliet was insane and Romeo was self destructive and neither of them could ever be loved.
Maybe Romeo and Juliet really were broken.
Maybe Shakespeare left that part out.
I bit the corner of my lip whilst Finn stared out of the window and once again shut me out of his thought process.
I didn't want to confront him in the middle of a McDonalds, but I didn't want to be alone either. It was almost as though Finn was my anchor, but when he needed me to be his anchor the boat just sailed away from the docks anyway.
You can't be an anchor when the captain keeps driving the boat away from you.
You can't love someone who doesn't want to be loved.
"You're doing it again"
"What"
"You're shutting me out".
He stared at me with a mixture of anger and confusement, fear and defensiveness.
"There's nothing to say anymore"
"Finn-"
"Is this really gonna be what this trip is like? I come all the way to Washington for you to treat me the same way everyone else does? I'm sick of it Tanya, I'm sick of telling you I'm fine".
A lump rose in my throat, my breathing off pattern.
He only ever used my full name when he was angry.
I'd made myself just another person to him.
I wasn't his Tan.
I was just Tanya now.
"Look, don't cry"
I dabbed at my cheeks, not even knowing I was crying until he'd pointed it out. The soft underlying tone to his voice soothed the burning ache inside of me.
Finn,
My Finn.
He reached across the table and held both of my shaking hands in his. He smiled his soft dimpled smile, his kindness seeping through like paint in a colander.
"We're gonna have a great trip"
"Yeah"
"Just you and me"
"Yep"
"No adults. No bullshit. Just us"
"Mmmhhhmm"
"Tan and Finn. Just like the good old days."
I looked up as he said this, and oh how I wanted to wrap him up and hold him forever. My Finn, my love. He did remember us. He did care about me. I was his Tan.
I might not be his anchor, but I was so much more.
I was his memories, his happiness, his thoughts and his laughter.
Most of all, I was his Tan.
