pathological

contigo .

05/21/16
   
I’m writing this letter in the language that I know best, English. So many times I had to use a translator because I did not know how to express myself in the language that we both understood. Spanish. So here I am writing you this letter in hopes that I’ll finish it and in hopes that it’ll be the last one I write. I know that’s most likely a lie, but I believe that it’ll be therapeutic for me. Here I am still being selfish.
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Dear Kike,
   
Lately I’ve been walking around with a heavy heart and sometimes I can’t help the silent tears that fall out of my eyes. I’ve been missing you like crazy and I’ve been worried too. Worried about who’s there to care for you. I need you back in my life, but I can’t find the courage to talk to you once again. You’re the one who pushed me away after all. You made the decision for both of us and I had no choice but to agree.
    I can’t help but reminisce and go back to the times when we were both happy. To the time that we first met and all we had were stolen glances. To those Holiday nights that you were alone and I shared my family with you. I remember how grateful you were, but you wouldn’t directly talk to me. New Year’s Eve and we were both singing along to break up songs that would later define our future. When you were drunk and I was shy and you left me breathless with your simple words. I remember how after that we were both afraid to talk to each other and it had me stressing. I fell for you way too fast and I was very aware of that. It terrified me that you were the only thing on my mind.
    We were only together for three months, but it felt longer than that. All we did was fight and argue. You made me cry and I believed that I didn’t deserve it. Throughout those three months we broke up too many times. Every time I didn’t take it too seriously because I knew that you would come back to me. And you did. It would be back to the lies that would often make me cry. But I cannot put the whole blame on you, I pushed my luck every time that we spoke. I provoked you just for my own entertainment, just so that I could get back at you. It never worked because you would end up finding a way to make me cry. It was a morbid game we played. I never understood how you would win because I was always the better player. Or so I thought. You don’t always win if you play by the rules and you taught me that.
    You always made me feel like I was doing you wrong. And for so long I believed that I wasn’t doing enough to keep you by my side. You guilted me into doing so many things and in my naive mind, I thought that it was the right thing. My innocence is something that is now long gone. I was the purest thing in your life and then you tainted me. You always wanted something else. I was always the one to beg you to stay. I was the one writing you words dressed in metaphors asking you to stay. You left every single time. At some point I realized that I couldn’t make you stay if that’s not what you truly wanted. I always told myself that I wasn’t going to be so vulnerable anymore. That was a lie because every time you called again, I would let you back in.
    I couldn’t let you go. I felt so much pity because I knew that your life wasn’t easy at all. You had gone through a lot at such a young age and I admired you for that. You’re strong. Then you were having family problems and you were pushing me away. That same week I found out that you were cheating on someone else with me. I was the side piece, the biscuit. You never liked being lonely, you also didn’t mind the extra company. I still didn’t let you go. My friends said that I was being dumb, but I thought that it was love. Or maybe I was afraid that you had gotten me pregnant and I was terrified of being a single mom at such a young age. That was proven wrong a few days later and I could finally breathe again.
    My favorite memory of you is one when we weren’t even together. We had broken up and that was the first time we had a real conversation. We had so many conversations on the phone, but this time it was in person. We were always alone, even when we were together. It was like you would talk to me, but you would have a separate conversation in your head. I was finally able to look at you and laugh at the random nonsense that was being thrown around. I was free and overjoyed by the fact that I was letting you go. I felt great and in a way, that was the closure that I needed all along. We got back together days afterwards because you said all the right words, I put up a great fight, but you were able to climb up my borders.
    You still left me. You let me get attached to you once again and that’s when you left. Claiming that we could still be friends. It hasn’t even been a month yet. I tried to hate you. I felt so angry, but I managed to forgive you. I made the decision that it’s better to live without hate in my heart. I couldn’t even hate you and that made me hate myself. I was my own enemy, well my heart was. My heart kept begging for you. If you lied and played with my emotions once again, I would still go crawling back to you. Well that was before. I no longer call your phone in private because I don’t have the desire to hear your voice.
    I don’t want to be the one to break the silence. I lost my pride and dignity so many times for you. I lost myself too. Your pride is something dangerous and it’s something that you cannot handle. We were both victims of it. Your ego is up in the clouds and I could never get it down no matter how much I kept on reaching. The truth is, I want you to talk to me first. I want you to lose that ego and pride of yours and come crawling back to me like I did for you so many times. I didn’t want to be the lonely one, but that’s exactly who I am. I think I’m finding myself along the way. I was afraid to love to begin with and now you made me realize my deepest fear.
    I still pray for you every night. I ask God to take care of you and to give you the best. I once told you that I only wanted the best for you and maybe that’s why we weren’t meant to be together, because I wasn’t what was best for you. I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to be a liar and a cheater who hurts people who love them. You lied to your friends and my parents too. You were successful no one else figured it out, except for me. You’re the reason that I now keep an open mind and that is a blessing. I hope that I don’t become like you. Funny how you said you hated lies because they hurt, but you sure did tell a lot of them. You always said I was the cold one, but you’re the heartless one here.
    I don’t want to remember us this way. I don’t want to remember us with anger and lies. I lost enough tears to become dehydrated. I was truly happy. With you everything was so complicated, yet so painfully simple. You always encouraged me to be a better person and you even tried to motivate me to become someone in life. I could always tell you my problems and you would let me break apart. You would let me cry in desperation and you would wait for me to stop just so that you could help build me up again. The distance between us played a horrible role in our story, it was an enemy, but every weekend we would defy it.
    I miss the late phone calls when your roommates would be drinking and listening to the most depressing Spanish songs I’ve ever heard. I miss how you would tell me that you were leaving your old habits behind because of me. I knew that those weren’t lies, I could tell that you were truly changing. I miss that you would sing Joan Sebastian songs to me, but now those songs tend to torture me because it’s too painful to listen to them. Making fun of the songs that your roommates would listen to because those are the old songs that our parents would listen to. You always joked about how you would take me out dancing and that we would dance along to those songs.
    I managed to memorize every childhood story that you told me. About how your mother would scold you for having terrible grades. About how you grew up to look like your father, even though he’s dead, he’s very alive in your heart. The little bits that you told me about your younger sisters and about how one of them is messed up and the other one is bright. About the moon shaped scar on your elbow because you fell out of a motorcycle and how much pain you felt because of that. The big role that soccer played in your childhood because you could’ve became a professional player but you had to leave your country to help your family out. And in the end, soccer is what joined us together. My cheering for you and your impressive skills are what got us together. That and our curiosity.
    You always told me to stay in school because I could do anything if my heart, mind and soul were in it. You told me to choose the right path because you knew what choosing the wrong path was like. You said that my love for books and writing was odd to you because you hated school. You never liked it and it was weird for you to know someone who had decent grades. You never understood my positivity because you were quite the pessimist. Those words that I wrote you, you said that you saved them and that made my heart speed up every time. I wonder if you still have them? You would often say that if I was your mother’s daughter, that your mom would go nuts. She wouldn’t know what to do for me, because I would make her so proud.
    I miss the days that I would try to teach you English. I remember how I accidently told you I loved you. You were so smooth about it. You taught me that if you don't risk anything then in the end you’ll end up getting nothing. I miss how I would always poke you and you would always try to trip me. It used to make me mad that you would always kick my foot, but you always told me you loved me. I loved that weird accent of yours and how I used to mock it so much, that at some point I started talking like you. I started using those same peculiar adjectives that you used and it was too amusing for me. You also started using my weird slang and you never let me forget about it. You also thought that my pronunciation was funny.
    Your eyes were the only thing that could torture me. Well your laugh too. But your eyes were shiny and black and it became my vice to see your eyes and to breathe the same air as you. Your eyes gave me the reassurance that I had been begging for. They made the war inside of me demolish until there was nothing there. They were my safe place and no matter how many times I tried to shield myself away from them, I always found my way back. Oh those basic black eyes of yours are so beautiful, they controlled my soul.
    I often forgot how quiet and shy you actually are. You as a person, is very reserved. While we were together, I completely forgot about that. My dad brought it to my attention one day about how they literally had to force the words out of you. I laughed at that because you weren’t like that with me. My dad always said that you were someone else when you were drunk. At first that used to terrify me because I did believe that. You were outspoken and witty around me and it used to drive me insane that I never had a good comeback for your lame insults. I’m glad that I got to meet the real you. The real you doesn’t need a beer or a cigarette to express themselves, just a vague opinion and it’ll start a fire.
    I love the way that you made me realize that I am capable of loving someone. Before you came along, I felt so cold and alone. I thought that there was no such thing as love. You proved me wrong. Despite everything, I managed to become a complete different person because of you. My relationship with my parents improved because of you. You brought us even closer even though you were the reason I always got in trouble. For many days I couldn’t live with myself and I would shut people out, but now I’m more understanding. I think of the many possibilities of the universe and how everything has a solution.The world is a beautiful place if you live without fears and obstacles.
    I miss your singing the most out of everything and how you would reassure me many things. In your arms, I always felt safe. You gave me a home when all I wanted to do was get wet in the rain. You never shared your umbrella with me because you knew that it wasn’t what I wanted. I loved you with such a passion that I now realize that I shouldn’t want to forget you. I want to remember us, the good and the bad, I want us to live in this box of memories in our hearts. I want every song that we once sang to one another to be played in a broadway musical, even though we never liked that type of stuff.
    You are my soulmate. Soulmates are not the ones who stay with you forever and who like the same things as you. They’re the ones who make you go beyond and above. They’re the ones who leave after they have served their purpose in your life. We were soulmates because we made each other face our fears without hesitations and excuses. Soulmates are the ones who make you believe in something that you thought was phony. They’re the ones who pull you out of the darkness and bring you hell just so that you can know the fury of what living is like. They make you want to give up on life, but they take away the intentions of ending it all. They give you love and hate and it leaves a scar, but it makes you stronger.
    I can’t keep listening to sad songs, thinking of you. I cannot dwell and wonder if you’ll be back soon. I can now go out and live with the memory of you. I now know that I have to let this go. I have to let you go, to let us both go. I’ll never forget you. You are after all, my favorite Christmas present.

I love you.
I love you more.
You are my life.
You are my everything.
I love you with all heart.
            I’ll never forget those words that were once our vow.

Maybe my best language was English and we both understood Spanish and after a while I tried to teach you English, but I believe that the language that morphed us both was the petrifying language called love…
                Sincerely, Ana

P.S : Tell Ricardo thank you.