The Way It Was Before

thirty-eight

I wish I could tell you that things became clearer after that night. I wish I could tell you that Michael and I learned to come to terms with all the past events in our lives. I wish I could tell you that our little adventures continued. That the seasons might have changed, but our friendship did not. I wish I could tell you that our story continued a little longer.

But it didn't. Neither of my wishes had happened. Because Michael was no longer with us.

It was just a little feeling at first. I tried to brush it off, laughing at myself for having such a silly idea. Michael must be kidding, I assured myself. He'll come back tomorrow and things will be back to normal.

I filled my head with false anticipation, humor, and irrational thoughts. Looking back now, I think it was the first time I almost went over the edge, close to having a panic attack.

I refused to believe what my subconscious told me until the day came when I saw the awful confirmation of my fears on my friends' faces as they revealed the truth: Michael had gone back to school only to say goodbye.

That night when I had said I loved him was the last night in which he and I would be together in one place.

He was gone now, traveling at the speed of light.

Everyone was anguished at the thought of never seeing him again. Clint and Nate argued in hushed voices, and Clover tried to stop them. Rose just cried in a corner. Everyone blamed themselves for not noticing what Michael had been going through. I noticed, I had always noticed, but then I realized he had gone to places where I couldn't reach him. Couldn't help him at all.

I was in profound shock to comfort any of my friends. With my mind in absolute turmoil, I went to his beloved spot. I didn't want to believe any of it. No, no. I needed to hear from him. Michael brought fresh flowers to Elodie every time he visited her. I expected him to be there, sitting on the ground and talking to his sister like in the old times. But the place was empty, the leaves were brown, and all of the flowers were dead and broken. The soothing cadence of the trees around the grave was replaced by stillness as absolute as death.

But I still waited. I waited. I waited. Even though he had asked me not to.

I waited for the person who didn't want to come back.

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I became numb. Too numb that I didn't cry. I lived the rest of the month in a daze, like an astronaut lost in a faraway galaxy, floating, just floating, seeing nothing but darkness, hearing nothing but silence much louder than all the music ever played. I was on autopilot. I walked, I listened, I breathed, but I didn't feel like I was functioning as a normal person at all. Nightmares invaded my mind nearly every night. A black hole was in my soul. I had my final exams, had my requirements for the student newspaper, but my mind was crammed with white noise. It was even a miracle that I passed.