XIII.
WE CONTINUED THE
drive home like nothing happened. why are we so good at that? we stopped because a song on the radio came on and reminded you of your boyfriend and you cried. you felt guilty for cheating while i felt guilty for being so selfish. i hadn't remembered half of our grand adventure. i was too busy missing you while you were right beside me.
all i ever focused on was reliving that moment, the way you made me feel when we were sixteen. i wanted more of that addictive thrill
and now that I had finally gotten it,
I didn't know what to do or
how to feel.
overall, we both
felt incredibly stupid.
you cried into my shoulder about the stresses of life and how shitty you've been feeling for feeling something for me while you still had a boyfriend who loved you like the stars love the moon and i just listened because that is what i'm good at but i couldn't help but think:
did you feel anything when we kissed or was i just dreaming when you whispered an i love you? the feeling of your lips on my skin, my fingers entangling your hair was it all...nothing?
it didn't seem like the right time to ask you
so i never did. a couple days later,
the road trip ended and so did our story,
i think.
i mean, i haven't heard from you since. honestly, i don't know why i wrote this. maybe to apologize? i'm sorry for building you up as something bigger than you really are. i made a home out of you even after we said that love was stupid.
it's my fault for thinking what we had was special- was love when really you were just as sad, and scared, and confused as i was. maybe i'm selfish or stupid or both, but if i was ever given the choice to change anything about our roman holiday,
well, i wouldn't.
sometimes little things remind me of you and they don't hurt. days when the sky turns a lilac rose shade. postcards from california. the red-green leaves of the trees in new york on an autumn day.
you're everywhere, it seems. although the feelings have faded and memories are all we have, i love you all the same. i love you, sunshine girl.
