The Uninhabited Mind

January 18th, 2013.

things have gotten worse. scratch that, everything has gotten worse. i don’t know why everybody chose me to be their punching bag. i get called names, pushed around, toyed with emotionally. whatever you can think of, they have probably done that before. there has to be a reason these things only happen to me. i mean, doesn’t everything? i guess you need hope to get through everything so there is my only hope left. i lost all of it when i lost my only friend three years ago. my sister alice was only nine-teen when she died in a car accident. some people say it was a suicide  because there was no reason for her to ram right into a tree on a unpopular street. but that cannot be right. she was the strongest person i had ever met. she was friends with everyone, got all as. class president, and all that fancy stuff. i don’t know anything anymore. for the past three years i haven’t had anyone to support me. my mom is still in denial of what happened to her prized child and will barely even talk to me and my dad has been gone since i was very little. i guess you can say my family is a bit fucked up in multiple ways. the only two things in life i want are; my sister to be back and to have a normal life with a normal family. my sister kept me sane through the rough parts and without her here, i guess i'm stuck wandering mindlessly through an endless labyrinth that is called my mind. i don't think there is hope for me anymore. i don’t think i can last much longer. make it stop. please.

January 19th, 2013.

     yesterday marked three years from her death. i only am just now talking about it because i couldn't bring myself to doing so yesterday. we got the call at two AM in the morning from the police station saying there was a terrible accident. at that moment, i realized one thing; my life would change so drastically and i didn't think i would survive it. yet here i am. roughly surviving but still surviving. i once learned this japanese word from my sister that perfectly describes me right now. the word was hikikomori and it means a young adolescent who is addicted to tv, video games, etc. and rarely leaves one's room. that definitely describes me at this moment. i guess that is all for now.

January 20th, 2013

     well its monday. and we all know how we feel about mondays. they are the worst. well. this one exactly is probably the worst monday ever for me. i think you can infer why but yeah. anyways, at school i usually talk to no one, sit alone, etc. basically the average antisocial loser with no friends. i guess i can say my favorite class is english for multiple reasons. a) my teacher. reason; he is probably the most non-judgemental person you could meet along with nicest. b) i can be myself while writing instead of the masquerade society forces upon you. the rest of my day consists of me walking through halls pointing to everyone i hate mentally, ignore people, listening to music, and surfing the same website for hours and hours at a time. it might be tumblr. maybe, maybe not. if i ever go outside besides school forcing me to, it’s probably to get pizza or something. typical life for me. its quite lonely for me in this house now ever since you know what. i have no one to talk to ever, i don’t go anywhere because outdoors is gross. my phone even wants to kill itself everyday out of boredom like come on now.

January 23th, 2013

i missed a few days but such is life. my life is the same shitty thing as it has been for awhile so nothing has changed. unless you count me doing homework and actually not wanting to kill everybody for once as a change then yeah, nothing. actually, something did happen. there was a new kid in our school. his name is zach and uh, you can say he is interesting. definitely different than other people like i am. him and i see things in ways that society would frown upon. i don’t quite understand why but whatever, society can go fuck off.

January 24th, 2013

today was interesting. i talked to zach today. i learned that he has four siblings, three sisters and a brother. his brother is a total asshole who hates him and only two of his sisters like him. his youngest sister zoey doesn’t fully understand the concept of what he is going through and how different he exactly is. he told me about the day he came out to his family. he was only thirteen when he told them. his brother instantly hated him and his dad left a little after. his brother’s twin sister tracey basically counted down the days until she could get out of that house for reasons besides college. his other two sisters anna and zoey were too young to understand what he meant and his mom has yet and never will leave his side. ever since his eighth grade year, his life has been a living hell after his brother and sister told the whole school. i mean like, who would do that. to their own fucking brother. now that zach is in his senior year along with me and like two thousand other assholes we both are trying to fight our way through it. i didn’t bother to ask him what has happened in the past four years. i know if i was in his place, i’d rather people not ask me. i guess i kind of am in a place like his. it seems like people with shitty lives are always friends with other people with shitty lives. i don’t care though. he is a great person. and i love him for that.