Black Mail

Moan

                  

"Niall, can I ask you a question?" Zayn spoke out into the darkened room. I was in that sweet drifting almost asleep state. I groaned, rolling over to face him across from me.

"Go ahead buddy."

"Why do you really hate your own tapes? You're so..." His voice dropped to a soft whisper. "You're so good at it."

I chuckled. "I'm alright. Liam is the best. He really is."

"I don't think so... you don't make sex tapes." Zayn said.

"What do you mean?" I raised an eyebrow, even though he couldn't see me.

"The other boys, they have sex. You don't just have sex. You... well, this is going to sound so weird, but you, uh- you make love with the people your sleeping with..." He trailed off awkwardly, pipping up a moment later to clarify. I was stunned. I'd never been told that before. "Like your hands, they're so careful. You don't do bondage, toys... there's an intimacy about it that you don't even realize is there. Maybe that's why you don't like to watch them."

"It's just sex Zayn. None of those people meant, or mean anything to me." I rolled over, blushing furiously. "There's no intimacy, my hands... they just do whatever. I don't know. I don't think about it. I just do it."

"You don't see it. I see it. Your tapes aren't like the other boys."

"Well, like you said. I don't do bondage. I do toys, sometimes. Depends on the woman, on the situation, the mood I suppose." I grumbled, extremely embarrassed now. I hated talking about my own sex tapes. I hated watching them. I hated being reminded of the terrible things I do.

"Bondage can be-," he broke off suddenly, taking a big breath. "Incredible."

"It's not for everyone." I snapped. "Have you ever even done any kind of bondage. It's not cute. It can be painful, its- you can't see. They could do anything to you, and you wouldn't even know it."

"So that's why you don't do it. You're scared?"

"I'm not scared." I flipped over, glaring at the dark lump I assumed to be his body.

"So why don't you do it? Harry was telling me how amazing-,"

"Harry is different. Bondage is his thing. Like Louis's is choking. If you haven't come to notice, we all have a thing. Liam is a role player. He loves it. Lives for it.  Even Liam and Louis hardly do bondage. It's not my thing."

"Why not?"

Why was he asking so many questions? I wanted to punch something. I wanted to be asleep, not having this conversation right now.

"I don't like the idea of someone tying me up, having me at their disposable, me defenceless. I just... I don't know. I'm claustrophobic too. I don't like the feeling of suffocating."

"Have you ever tried it?" He probed more.

"Once. Can we drop it now? I don't like it. Period. If you're into it, ask Harry about it. He loves it. He would tie up everyone if he was allowed."

"Your senses are heightened you know. When you can't see, but you can feel them... you can feel every groove in their skin, ever dip in their body..." He rambled off, his voice low and guttural.

I sighed. He wouldn't understand unless I explained completely. My father was a sore topic. I didn't want to talk about it.

"It's like being choked when you're not into it. How would you feel if you were having sex with someone and they just started to choke you because that's what they're into? That's what bondage is like for me. It's like choking. Literally like having all the air squeezed out of my lungs, and all I can do is go into survival mode."