I kept my eyes sharply focused on the crumpled letter in my hands, thinking anything was better than the sterile environment around me. Compared to the surrounding walls that smelled like bleach and ammonia, even this clean, brand new, pristine letter was off-white. Eventually, despite my shaking hands, I managed to pry the college ruled paper out of its packaging and unfolded it.
Gerard,
Out of all the letters, yours has been hardest to write. I know this is melodramatic but I don't care. I just want to talk about what happened between us, because it's all a big mess in my head, and maybe writing it out before I go will help me sort it all out. I'd like to have that peace before I do what I haven't had the guts to do for most of my life.
2002 was the greatest year of my life. You might think that's stupid, since my band broke up and all that. But Pencey was never meant to last. It was short, fast, and loud. Emphasis on short. But thanks to Pencey I found you guys. Everything about your music is amazing. You're a genius, Gerard. But I digress. In 2002 I was floating around between bands, and god, my head was so fucked up during that time, because I didn't have grounding. I could tell you knew. You knew because you were fucked up too. Maybe not in the same way, I think MCR was your grounding, but a douchebag and a dickwad can still single each other out. I idolized you for that. For being fucked up, but turning all that into art. You were... You were like my hero, Gerard. Even when you looked dumb, when you were dumb. When you had that stupid haircut and you gelled your hair up, when you had those stupid baggy pants from the lawless time of the early 2000s. When you were drunk, or high, and you babbled the most nonsensical shit. You felt what I felt and I didn't feel so alone.
We played shows together a little bit. But even though I knew Mikey, we didn't really know each other. You were Gerard, you were miles above me. You were, no, you are beautiful. I was a monster, I was an idiot. I didn't think you'd ever really click with me, y'know? I thought I'd always look up to you. I used to constantly just hide away in one person bathrooms and cry silently at venues we played, be it from my own personal hatred, your art, or the negativity I felt in my own music. That was, until the worst night. That one night where I just felt so fucking alone, so messed up, monstrous. You found me. God, I think I was sobbing in that bathroom and you found me in there. It was so embarrassing. You didn't say anything but you knocked on the door, you sat down with me, and I had never felt more close to someone before that.
One day I told you what was wrong with me, how I felt, and you invited me into MCR. This is why 2002 was the best year of my life, because of you. Because you gave me a purpose. My other bands amplified my grief rather than relieved it. I don't think I would have survived this long if it weren't for you. I just want to thank you for giving me a few more good memories to take to my grave.
Shortly after joining MCR I felt like a new person. I don't know how much of an effect I had on you but you definitely changed me for the better. I actually felt the need to become a better person because of you. I wanted you to see I could be better. I wanted you to like me. And soon I found out that you did. Or I thought you did, I don't know anymore.
I knew we would struggle as a band, but I didn't think it would be as hard as it was, especially when we got popularity. By 2004 everything had changed. We released Three Cheers, and that albums's negativity took such a toll on you, I didn't know what to do. I'm not going to describe in detail what happened to you because you know it already, at least, the parts you didn't forget due to being shitfaced. It wasn't a fun time for any of us, but I knew you could get through it. I did my best to help and it worked. You fixed yourself. I helped and I don't know if you needed me, but I actually felt like maybe I was a good person. Like maybe I was helping someone. The night you let me in, really let me in, it took a turn for the better, and I'll never forget how proud of you I felt, and how happy you made me. I know you were drunk and probably under the influence of some other narcotic but after you threw up and got it out of your system I gave you a glass of water, helped you drink it and brought you back to your bed. I figured you didn't need me anymore so I tried to go, but you asked me to stay. I'd never felt the way I did before. Not just wanted, but needed, you know? So I stayed. I hugged you, you rested your head on my shoulder, you clenched my body like I was your last hope. I think you were dozing off, which was good, I didn't want you to hear this, but I whispered that I loved you in your ear for the first time.