Journal 1:
I honestly don’t know what to say. I have written many journals about my problems which only sometimes solves them. I don’t exactly know what to do. Possibly talk to a therapist or someone who is close, but I don’t see it happening. Those who are around me either judge or care for me, there never seems to be a cross between, why exactly am I writing this now? I understand that it relives me but I what if I don’t continue… That isn’t the point; I am here to share what I have recently come upon. Many things have changed as well as me but it is mostly the things around me. I had a dream where I didn’t see him but it was like he was. I just felt as if he were there. If Fred really were there… let me continue. The dream was not what I expected; it put something there that I do not want. That thing is fear; within my dream I heard a voice like as if it were God. He yelled at me to worship him and believe. I can’t tell whether it was my subconscious telling me or something else. For all I know it was something else, but for now I will just assume it was me. Otherwise let’s talk about me. I don’t exactly who I am or what I want to do. There is so much I want to do yet there are expenses. If I just sit here waiting I may not ever do it. There is a vivid picture of me in a far off place with flowers around me, while I sit between putting my fingers upon each petal. They are fragile and weak; it is easy to expect that it would be very possible to accidentally break one. That is like me almost; I shudder at things and don’t try to do anything that involves being hurt. Does this make me scared or does it make it so I won’t be harmed. I sigh because I know why I do it but choose not to reveal it. What I know now has helped me but has also brought me down. I know that I can do what I please but with that in mind will I choose the right thing? Imagine yourself in a situation where either something good will happen or something bad will. What can I base what I do off of? The biggest problem is that I don’t know who I am, for all you know this is an alias to cover what I think I am… This is longer than I expected it to be. I understand my problems can’t be solved by just writing something down but it helps… Until next time ~Nicolas
Journal 2
Today was indifferent. Most days have things to comment on whether it was something that happened or just a sudden idea they want to write down. I didn’t seem to find anything today notable. If I could go out more I could possibly find more but who knows. Let’s get to something rather interesting but it didn’t seem that notable. After reading it I understand what she sent me. Mostly it was because I wrote on a piece of paper talking about what was going on. The article was from the Bonita Spring newspaper, it talked about ego. This meant nothing to me until I read the note and the article itself. Overall the main idea was that I should boost my self-esteem. To me I honestly don’t know if that is actually possible. My outlook on life is much different from others. It differentiates day after day because I learn so much at my age. So would changing my ego actually change who I am? To be honest I do have low self-esteem but I don’t show it that much. Often I say to my friends I act completely different when I am at school to when I am at home. Home to me is like a sanctuary. There is much to do or think about but I can just sit here wondering about the next day. For some reason I always think about the next day. In the morning I sometimes think what it would be like if I died. There are so many things that could impact from my death, whether it is friends, family or a person I don’t even know. Isn’t that what martyrdom is then; dying to try to prove a point? I’m getting off track. Let’s talk about my self-esteem. Some may understand why this may or may not be a issue but plenty of people don’t. My point is, there is many things about yourself you can actually like but it takes time like many things. I’m writing this journal aren’t I?
~Finding where he belongs, Nicolas
Journal 3
