Poetry for my dumbass

Fear

Have you ever gotten that feeling, the one that makes your stomach turn inside out with fear and anxiety.
It always happens when it's calm, that's the only warning sign. Then, it always turns to chaos which make the feeling go away.
The calm before the storm as they say.
I don't want this feeling. It happened at the lowest points of my life, which have never been good for me.
I don't know how to get rid of the feeling where you're scared because everything is good which it never has been before.
I don't even know what this feeling is.
Hands down, it's the absolute worst as well. One day you get the feeling then the next suddenly you're crying your eyes out of grief and the only thing on your mind is "I had the feeling, why wasn't I more cautious?". Then the next time we get this emotion, we're terrified and no matter what we do to prevent it, something comes along that leaves you weeping again.
That's how I'm feeling everyday now, and it will not stop brewing until I'm snapping at everyone, in fear that they are going to hurt me much more than I will them. I'm starting to decay with wretched fear of what's going on to happen, because I know it's going to be the worst part of my life.
I keep it occupied, with small bits of scuffles that make it leave for a tiny bit but it's always in the dark waiting for me to feel safe. It's straining any relationship I have with this fear of the emotion. The people I snap at are starting to despise me, but it makes me feel safer with only a few hateful glares than the cheerful faces that smile at me. I love to make them laugh but I am more loving of the safe feeling than I am of their laughs. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm making it myself but I can't stay normal; nor could I stay cocooned in a warmth that has never been before there in my life.
They're starting to call me weird because one second I'm cheers and the next I'm angry with a friend for a comment they made that shouldn't bother me because I have been through much worse than this.
But they don't know the feeling, this fear that capsizes my very soul into a state of panic.
I don't want to know this feeling.
Yet it will always be there. Waiting for the right time till it devours my soul with anxiety and depression at the roots.