"Hello precious one, how are you feeling today?", said the innocent voice that was cooped away in my deepened head. "I'm fine how are you on this lovely day?" I responded.
"Oh, well it's horrible. The sun shines through the clouds. The trees leaves breathe with the air. The warm sun glows up everything. What is this atrocity?"
I was confused about her reference of a horrible day.
She whispered again, "don't you miss the rainy days? Don't you miss the way we layed in bed? Don't you miss the way I kissed every suicidal thought that lingered in your mind with ripening death?"
"Why would I miss sorrow, my dear friend?" I replied.
"How could you forget of such a friend who stayed by your side on lonely days? How could you toss me in the back of your mind and lock me away with "things I need to hide"? Are you ashamed of me darling? Embrace my pain, embrace my pain!", she screamed louder and louder until my ears felt like they were bleeding and my conscience grew heavy.
I reached over for my razor blade and starred at it for a long while. She began to whisper in my head again after a long pause. "Isabel, darling, just kiss the blade. Let me feel the endorphins that yearn to run through your blood stream". I replied with a great sigh, then tried to compromise. "If I break my promise to my cognitive angel will you leave me alone?"
My devil laughed at me. I felt shame as I drew the blade closer to my wrist.
"Honey have you not figured it out yet? I am your cognitive angel in disguise. I am your devil. I am your loneliness. I'm the feeling you get when you glance up at the night sky. I'm the air you breath. I'm the smoke you inhale every damn time you ignite the weed in your pipe. I am your fucken reality bitch".
I didn't know why she was doing this to me. Why now. Why on a beautiful day. Why? Why? Why? Why?
I then realized I felt her all the time. I knew she was there by my side. When everyone else turned their eyes and pretended they were blind. I knew she was the one that kept me alive. I just didn't know why.
I cleared my throat, " baby, my sweet baby. I've nourished you in the back of my mind since I was 8 when I realised that mommy wasn't going to come home & everyone was crying because of a specific date. They shed tears because what once was a precious life had only left memories of his solem fate. You see, I knew you would grow in my heart since I said "I can feel this hate" I knew you were in my heart since I said "death never likes to arrive late". I felt you everywhere".
I started to sob. I was so caught up into replying to my demon my body had already began to scratch the surface of my skin slightly with my blade. I never knew why it felt so good all I knew is that these chemicals were the best fucken high I could find without even having to search for it.
"Isabel, I need you to cut deeper. The chemicals aren't rushing through you like I thought it would, you've rusted." I starred at the mirror for a long while. Maybe too long, since the prickles of blood were drying up.
I started talking to the screwed up girl that was facing her own reflection. I began to pen my words into the present. "I've lived in you for 16 years. 16 years of love, hate, lonliness, happiness, blessings, gratitude, awakening and hunger... You have never loved yourself as much as you loved the world. You grew so much love for the things no one admired. You grew admiration for wierd tendencies and outcasted features. Your eyes were made out of stardust, fear, and existence. Your mind was built on opinions, solitude, and grace. Your heart was made out of glass filled with tears from the ocean. Every time you felt pain, it would break and you would experience life in a million ways. You know, because I know, that you are one of the most beautiful kinds of souls ever to step foot into such a precious temple. You know so much yet you know so little on how to love yourself."
I ran out of breath. I just wanted it to end. I wanted my fears to decay away my thoughts so I could peacefully get high off of my own chemistry. Slowly I kissed the razor with my lips and began to scratch vertically to my arm. Each stroke of newer and deeper cuts sprung off a more elevated high than the last ten cuts. I felt a warm liquid streaming in a a river of its own down my leg, it was my blood. My fingers were going numb, I've never felt so much ecstasy. Then slowly I grew sleepy and fell face down towards the floor bumping my head on the radio that played my favorite tune. All I heard was soft words and a melody, " I want to scream... I want to shout.. I want to sing till the words dry out.." everything now felt like a dream.
Tear by tear I had let go of my fears. The day grew old as the moon slyly appeared. The north winds howled at night, they swept away a soul of so much wonder and forsaken pride. As the soul was swept away into the world of death, her only key to life was interpreted.
It seemed that her battle with her thoughts, the true evil inside, accended from the pitiful feelings she grew within. By the end of the night, her body was cold. No one realized, but her life had ended in a slaughtering of inimical homicide.
