A story be chase. My real name is not chase, it's just a fake cover up name and so are the others.
Do you ever get that feeling that the world hates you and You need to make it better? Probably not. Jade knows what I'm saying. But somewhat differently. Depression varies between people. Mine being more of a hateful depression. It sucks, ha no quote intended. Back onto subject, This is not a murder or a suicide note I'm just venting.
My name is chase. I'm 13 almost 14. I'm Small and I have ADHD. I used to be a normal kid when I was young. We all were. But when school started it all changed. People started to hurt me. Humiliate me, Punch me. That was the time in life that I too realized that the world was not a fairy tail. It was a cold cruel murderous place. It was impossible to deny.
When I was in 4th grade my teachers started to give me weird looks, and seemed to ignore me more. It became clear that even the grown ups hated me. That is when the rage came into play, reigniting any speck and drop of depression. I was sad but that sadness was not just there. It tore through everything in my life destroyed any innocence that I had in me, in the end all that was left was a lump of emotions, too mangled to understand.
Interested? Keep on reading then. 5th grade was the nearly the peak of the pain. My teacher hated me, he did not try to hide the fact that he did. He would tear up my homework, and take away my books. Kids were stereotypical and rude. I couldn't trust anyone. My depression was all I had. At least that's what I thought. It was only a cover for my hate and my pain.
Then I moved. I thought that it would help. It didn't. The emotions dived into me like a sharpened knife. Fate twisted it and spun it round, whilst driving it into my gut, bringing harsh and cruel emotions into my mind and making reality even darker than it was. I was so deep in my mind that I thought I would never come out. But there was a light. It's name was Jade, Sammy, Dean, and aron. My new friends. They were the one thing giving me hope for this hell of a world. People tease us, hurt us, and ignore us. But so far we all help each other in our own ways, be it love, respect, friendship, or similar experiences.
But Even when I met them, not all became well. We all still hate the cruel hell and abomination that is reality, and live in our own glass box, with only one hole to breath and talk through. A glass box that is isolated from the world. A box that offers sweet happiness but with it the price of isolation. Happiness has a hard price to pay. People scramble and claw for it, leaving behind whoever to get it, be it family or friend. The truth is harsh.
Not many people understand us. What we realized as young kids can be too much for even the toughest of adults. Sad isn't it? People can be cruel without trying to. It's inevitable. So why do we cry and hate? I don't know. I ask that a lot. Everyone but the ones who understand the truth is my enemy. They may think they've been through more because they broke an arm or a leg. Pathetic. They say that they have lost a loved one. Still pathetic That pain will eventually end. They never have gone through what we have. Mental torture can be more damaging than physical pain.
People try to tell me that they understand. Do they really? Nine out of ten they don't. I hate that. People who try to say it's going to be all fine and dandy. Disgusting. The only love I have for those people is pity. Pity that they will have to have their lives ruined by reality, by the truth. I used to cry when I was in pain. I still do sometimes. But nowadays I smile at it. I laugh. It scares me. But it makes me who I am. I love the way I am and I love that I can share all this. What I write is what I am. I hope that one day I can finally reach the light I had before I fell into darkness. Then maybe I can finally live the life I'm meant to live. But that's just wishful thinking.
The light is too far. I have embraced reality to long. Many want to know everything. But maybe all knowing isn't living. If you know everything then what is the point. What's the point of doing everything there is if you know everything that is. I don't know. I don't want pity. I want people to realize the truth. Depression and pain. Hate and love. The truths in the world are that they are the same. We think differently about what they mean, but in the end it is the truth.
Many people lie about what they truly feel. Let them lie. They can tell their sugar coated lies about whatever. I don't care. It doesn't matter anyways. They can make their life sound as bad as they want. But if you look closely you can see it. You can see the sweet sugar lining the truth. But back to my life.
These days the knife isn't as deep and the darkness has thinned. But the rage and sadness is still there. Waiting. Waiting for the moment to seize my life again like it did so long ago. We don't want help. We embrace the truth even though we hate it. That's life for you. When I write I immerse myself in my mind. I discover what I look for and I let my feelings run along the page and let my words live in the story creating people and places. That is the only time I am truly happy. Happiness will come to me when I do other things. But writing lets me truly be me.
My friends have their own ways to gain true happiness. I can't tell you them. I would rather not give them away. Unless they want me to. I can't even explain that much about them. Sad. I want to but the risk of me sharing this is 50/50. I don't want to go to guidance consulting. I probably wouldn't though. This is the end of my story. Show it to whoever. I don't care. But remember, the world is a cold and cruel place.
I said it was the end of my story but don't hold your breath. Jade and I will be coming soon with a collaborative. Now you can see both perspectives of our life.
By chase.
