After watching Crowley murder Max, I held in the tears. Once in the hotel room I sat on the bed with Sam, Dean, and Castiel around me.
"I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Being a hunter; it's no way to live. We experience things everyday that no normal person would believe is real. I mean, we actually seek out the things that want to kill us; that can't be sane! Let's not forget that when we get even remotely close to someone, they die!! Not to mention the crappy motels and constant diner food!! I can't do this anymore!! I'm not strong enough!!!" I said, before crying. Then I felt the comfort and warmth of hugs as the tears continued streaming down my cheeks.
After that night I coped by hiding my emotions. The boys managed to draw them out when it was just us. My eyes lost their bright, energetic, hopeful sparkle. I was a shadow of the strong, confident, happy, Kansas girl I once was.
One day the boys, Cas, and I were driving to a hunt. Sam was driving and I was in the passenger seat. Dean was asleep in the back and Cas was next to him.
"What happened to who we were?" Sam asked me quietly, as not to wake Dean.
"Everything we went through." I replied blankly, staing out the window.
"You were changed the most." Sam stated, still quiet.
"Yeah. I miss the way I was before all the crazy stuff we went through. I was happier. Everyone was happier." I relied, still looking out of the window.
"When you smile, like really smile, there's a hint of who you were before." Sam told me. I almost smiled. Then there was an awkward silence. A hilarious thought struck me.
"Sam, I have an idea. Let's blast some music and wake Dean up." I said. Sam agreed.
We prepared our prank.
Thn Bon Jovi blared through the speakers. Dean awoke with a start.
"Son of a-" Dean yelled before Sam and my laughter drowned him out. I turned the music down.
Sam, Dean, and I sang along to my favorite Bon Jovi song. I smiled, truely smiled, for the first time in a long time.
