Sorry. I don't speak stupid.

The BGF

*****

As is usually the case when moments of revelation arrive, Louis was doing his homework.

Or, at least trying to.

In reality, though, his thoughts went something like this. 

Hmmmmm, let’s see, uh, x times the negative - what the fuck is that even like have we learned this shit – no, concentrate. . . .x times the nega – I wonder if we have any of that leftover pizza still in the fridge – no!  focus Louis focus. . . .maybe Liam can come help me with this shit like what the fuck.  Ok.  Ok.  Focusing as of right now – SQUIRRELL!

. . . .yeah. . . .not going too well.

So it wasn’t really any wonder when Louis started daydreaming.

He rested his chin on his palm and gazed blankly at his paper, unconsciously shifting through his mind for things to think about. 

Pizza bites (the greasy little fuckers). 

Ignoring math homework (because grape flavored YOLO). 

His friends – more specifically, his newest one. 

The way his pencil looked against the wood grain of the desk. 

About where the hell Harry put his dick in those pants (Louis was genuinely worried about that). 

That god awful bird chirping outside his window (WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO TALK). 

The green of Harry’s eyes.

And that’s when it all went downhill.  The thought about his eyes translated into a thought about his hair (like seriously the boy needed a haircut something fierce), then into a thought about how his hair complemented his eyes, and how his whole face was aesthetically pleasing, and how tall he was, and his forearms were nice, and how his shirt had Louis’ favorite band on it, and his shoes were scuffed to hell and back, and then Louis was getting this sudden image of Harry holding him close and he liked it and he let out a bloodcurdling screech and fell out of his spinney chair with a thump.

Louis lay there on the floor breathing heavily, eyes wide.  What the fuck? 

He was not gay.  He liked boobs!  “Boobs. . .” he whispered to himself.  “Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs. . .”  He tried to recall the nicest boobs he could remember (porn, a while back), and he situated them at the front of his mind. 

Ah.  Better.

Then his mind decided to rebel.  It shoved the boobs out of the way and planted a new thought.

 I wonder if Harry has abs. . . .

Louis wailed and banged his head against the floor in frustration, instantly regretting it.  He clutched his aching head in his hands and tried to ignore the sneaking thoughts wondering through his mind.

He needed a distraction.  Some dude time.  Something to take his mind off of. . .whatever the hell this was.  Cause he definitely wasn’t gay.

He pried his phone out of his back pocket and selected a contact, putting the phone on speaker phone as he couldn’t be arsed to hold it to his ear.

“Pizza Hut, how can I help you?”

“Yeah whatever.  I need moral support asap.  Ice cream.  Steak dinner.  Root beer.  The works.”

“I am not getting you a steak dinner.”

“You’re a terrible person.  Whatever just come over I need bro time.  Video games.  Football.”

“Are you high?  Both of us HATE football.  And if we play video games it’s gonna be Mario.  I’ll be there soon.”

The call ended with a click, and on the other end, Janie stuffed a quart of ice cream and a root beer into a backpack and swung out the front door.

Bro time was calling.

******

Janie didn’t bother knocking as she came through the front door.  “Where are you, Wanker?” she yelled.

“He’s upstairs hon,” Jay (Lou’s mom) said, not bothering to look up from her laptop.

“Thanks Missus T,” Janie said, saluting as she stalked up the stairs.  Jay waved a dismissive hand, intent on whatever she was doing. 

Coming to Louis’ door, Janie paused.  You never knew what Lou was going to do.  He had sounded fairly sincere when on the phone, but he was in the plays.  Plays = acting = lying.  Louis was an excellent liar.  “Louis?  You in there?”  she said.

A muffled groan echoed from behind the door.

“Louis if you have your dick out I’m not going in.”

“NO SEX,”  Jay yelled from the living room.

A thump from behind the door.  Dragging footsteps.  Then Louis opened his door, and Janie had to suppress a snicker at the sight of him.  The overdramatic idiot was completely wrapped up in his comforter, only his messy hair and disgruntled expression visible.  “Did you bring food,” he growled.

Wordlessly, Janie held up her backpack.

Louis turned around then and dragged himself over to his bed, flopping on it face first.

Janie raised a judgmental eyebrow, but said nothing, simply setting down in Louis’ spinney chair and taking out the ice cream.

They spent a few minutes in silence.  Then suddenly Louis spoke up.  “I hate my brain.”

“What brain do you speak of?”  Janie asked, straightfaced.

Louis let out a disgusted grunt.  “Can you be serious?  I need to rant!”  He was obviously in what Zayn called his “Princess mode”.

“I thought you needed bro time.  You called, I came.  So?”

Louis didn’t say anything for a minute.  Then he spoke softly.  “I don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t judge, and keep your mouth shut most of the time.  So.”

This sounded serious.  Janie stood and walked over to the bed, plunking down next to him and touching his shoulder sympathetically.  “Alright, spill it.  I’m listening.”

Louis took a deep breath and sat up.  “Well. . . .I was doing my math homework, except I wasn’t, right?  Cause it’s math homework.  And I guess my mind wondered or something and I ended up thinking about. . .thinking about. . . .someone. . . .and I couldn’t stop and it’s fucking weird and even BOOBS couldn’t make it go away and I LIKED it and-“  he threw his arms into the air and buried back into his blankets.

Janie sat and absently rubbed his back, trying to figure out what exactly he had said.  “So. . .what I’m getting is that you like someone.  Right?”

Louis nodded.

“And. . . .you said even boobs couldn’t make it go away.  So it’s a dude.”

Louis groaned and tried to disappear into his comforter.

Janie looked at him sympathetically.   “Lou, it’s fine.  I’ve done this too, ‘member?”

“Done what.”  Louis voice was muffled.

“Had a big gay freakout.  A BGF  And I couldn’t talk to anyone either.  You have me.  It’s cool.”

Lou’s blue eyes appeared over the edge of the blanket.  “You named it.”

Janie was affronted.  “No, someone else did.  And I adopted it.  Deal.”  He laughed weakly.  “Wait, Lou,” Janie said.  “Who’s the lucky guy?”

He disappeared again.  “No one likes you, Janie.”

Janie rolled her eyes.  “Bullshit.  I’m a sunshine.  And I am GOING to find out who you have a crush on.”

Louis didn’t even bother to answer.

They ate the ice cream in silence – for about thirty seconds.

“So, Lou – do I know him?”

Louis facepalmed.