An Abundance of Personal Issues

deep conversations

9/24/16
11:50 pm

These past few days I've noticed something. At school, everyone seems happy, but in the dark hallways after closing or behind a closed door at 1:26 am, we let things out that we keep bottled up inside.
I am not a sad person, only sensitive. I'm not perfect, and neither is my past, but I believe in my heart that I am good. Don't get me wrong - I'm not some angel. I say rude things and I yell at people and I hurt people. It's how everyone is. Yet I still try my hardest to make at least one person smile every day.
About a week or so ago, I hung out with my friends after school, waiting for my mom to pick me up. It started with a group of us, playing trashy music and screaming in the empty hallways. Everyone began to leave until it was me, my best friend, and her boyfriend.
We joked around for awhile, watching YouTube videos and taking pictures of each other. But the fun didn't last very long; we ended up sitting on the floor in the dark hallway, spilling facts about our rough childhoods and our mental health.
I learned things that evening. I learned that one of my closest friends, my best friend's boyfriend, Brayden, had schizophrenia. I learned more about my friend Ash's abusive past - I already knew, but I learned more. That certainly didn't change my opinion of them. I just worry when they don't respond. I worry that something bad happened.
Brayden helped me realize something today. For a few months now, I've been considering an artistic career for my future. Photography, illustration, animation... I realized that wasn't the right thing for me. I'd love to be a freelance artist and author, but my conversation with Brayden sparked something inside me.
He asked me how Ash was doing, and I told him about Cameron. An old friend who disappeared. I advised him to never ever leave Ash - things were bad enough for her already. What he said made me cry.
"I wouldn't ever leave her. She's the one person who taught me how to love someone. I used to know how but I forgot when Claire died. Sorta. Ever since then I just kinda forgot what love was."
This is when I realized that these two, Ash and Brayden, they are fragile. I felt as if it was my job to keep them safe from everything.
"I know for a fact what you have with Ash is special. It's rare these days to see real, actual love, and I can tell that you actually feel something for her, and she feels the same way. Stuff like that can be hard, but you are living breathing proof that you can survive, and you can find happiness and love again, and I am so, so proud of you for that." As I wrote this message, I felt like I was helping turn Brayden's sadness and hurt into an amazing feeling.
"You and Ash are so close to me. I would take a bullet for both of you. I promise, I'm here to help you with anything," I said. I wasn't lying. Ash and I have been friends for a year. Brayden - I haven't known him as long, but already I feel as though he's like a brother to me.
After our conversation, I realized what I have to do. I have to become a counselor of some sorts. I can give advice to anyone, no matter the situation. I need to carry this
I'm not schizophrenic, but when Brayden texted me late at night saying he saw shadows and heard whispers, I was able to give him something to do to distract him from his disorder.
God. I hate calling it a disorder, or an illness. He's not sick, nor defected. He's a normal boy. He's perfectly fine all day long; it's when he gets home at night when his demons come out to play.
Be safe tonight, and remember that someone out there loves you, be it your younger sibling or the kid across the classroom who kept glancing at you on Tuesday. Sleep well, and goodnight.