Don't judge me!

I am

My man hates it when I'm suicidal and depressed about such minor things.
I hate it too, its not something I enjoy. I wish I could get rid of it and do all the things that bring me joy.
But Ive become stuck in this loop where everything I do is worthless as shit.
I fight with my point of excisting, does it matter to continue breathing?
At least we have that in common.
I'm not always like this. I bring him a lot of smiles and great memories.
I give him much attention because he although is the man of my dreams.
I kiss his toes and rub his feet, I let him do with my body as he please.

I continue to grow in what I am. A terrible situation kept me captured, and not offering me the chance.
I'm free now from those that did harm.
But the outcome is that darkness took over a big part and leaves but a smidge but don't be alarmed.
I don't always give up and I don't always surrender.

I'm certain one day all will be better. Is it too much to ask to be loved for who I am not what I appear to be?
Doesn't my need matter, does anyone care, does anyone truly see?

Shouldn't matter what others think, who are we kidding we wrap our minds around this type of thing.

How do I walk, how do I smile, how do I talk. Where should I sit, where do I work, where do I live? Will it make me appear poor, will they think I'm a whore?
How much should I pay for my shoes? Buy them used or get them new?

Is it possible to just be seen for what you can do for someone?

Is it that hard to stay making things work and not run?
I'm tired of walking away and being played.
I continue to achieve, hopes for a better me with a better man, kissing his lips and holding his hand.
Having him grope my ass when eyes are tempted to look back, telling him about my day and things I love and things I hate.
I hope to battle our demons together. Conquer happiness and all that last forever.