Emo Bible

Welcome To Emo Mass

Welcome all emos to the first gathering of emo mass. I, Anna, am one of the priestesses of emo. Please, sit down in the pews. Ah yes, thank you. Today I will be preaching to you on the topic of The Summer of 2001. So, let us begin.

“ It was the summer of 2001, Joe meets Patrick and he’s like
“Yo, I know about about music.” Then Patrick’s like “Yo, I know more about music” “That’s impossible! Do you wanna start a band?” And Patrick’s like, “Yeah, that’s cool.” And then, he’s like, “Yo, this is a book store; it’s not a music store.” And then they met at Patrick’s house. So Patrick’s wearing shorts, and socks, and a hat. Patrick is playing drums for some fucking reason, and Pete’s there for some reason. And they start playing music together and they’re like “Oh, let’s play some covers from some other bands.” It was like Green Day, and fuckin’ Misfits, and fuckin’ Ramones. Pete said to Joe, “Yo, we gotta change this shit up. Yo, we’ve played all these bands, let’s play some shit from Fall Out Boy.” And so Pete and Patrick are like, “Yo, that’s dope, but we need a fuckin’ drummer.” Because Patrick’s playing drums and he’s a singer. Patrick’s like “Yo, I got a soul voice,” and they’re like “wait, how do you have a soul voice?” And he’s like, “Yo, watch this: YeEEEEEEeEEEEEEeeeEeeeeeeeeeeEEEeeeEAAAaaAAAaaAAaaAaaaAaAaAAAaahhh!” And they’re like, “Oh my god, that sounds like soul!” And they made records like Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend. Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend, everybody loves it.
“It’s called Evening Out with Your Ex-girlfriend.” With your ex-girlfriend.
It’s called Evening out with your Ex-girlfriend.
It’s called Eating Out Your Girlfriend, and it’s real and it doesn’t matter.
And Pete talked to Patrick and Joe and he was like “Yo, what the fuuuuuuuck? Yo, this is gonna be fuckin’ dooooooope!” So they made a record and it was called Take This to Your Grave. They made it without a drummer, and they had like three-four drummers come in. the four dr drummers they had come in were like Josh Freese, Neil Pert, the dude from Toto, the fourth one was like the guy from like Papa Roach or something, and they’re like “Yo, we need Andy Hurley. Andy Hurley. Take This to Your Grave. Fuckin’ record it.” And he did it, and he killed it, and he was like “bigidalililililillla, pshhh!” Killin’ the skins, tapping the skins, tapping the rim, playin’ the shit, killing these bitches, rapping it out.
You’re getting a fucking tattoo right now? What the fuck is going on?
We should get signed to Fueled By Ramen, ‘cause these guys know what the fucking is going on. And they were like “Yo, if you can make our scene any bigger than it is, which is not fuckin’ hard, we will sign you guys.” Pete was like “Yo, we got this record that’s fuckin’ doooooooope, dude it’s called Take This to Your Grave, it’s called From Under the Cork Tree. It’s gonna be fucking huge.” And then Patrick’s like, “I gotta keep it real, I gotta keep it artistic, these are three songs that are gonna make the album and it’s called BURP Thanks for the Memories, 20 Dollar Nose Bleed, and Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down. And they made this record that was fuckin’ dope, and it fucking hit on the charts like one, two, three, two, one, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten to ONE. From Under the Cork Tree sold like four million recods-ten million records-fifteen million records! And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire record. And Patrick was like “That’s gooOoOOoooOoOOoOoOOOoOOd” Pete was like, “Yo, fuck you, I can do whatever I want.” Joe was like, “Yeah, it’s cool man, whatever I don’t give a shit.” And then Andy was like “Eh, cool.” And Pete was like, “Make-up is fuckin’ great for a guy because it makes a guy look beautiful, which a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful, and I wanna change that. I wanna make sure that everyone thinks that guys are beautiful.”
I’m good so far. Yeah, I do.
SHUT THE FUCK
Oh, fuck, alright alright.
Pete was like, “Oh Oh, fuck, alright alright.
Pete was like, “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassaed about this dick pic.” And then I saw the dick pick and was like “Ah, it’s not bad.”
It’s not a bad dick. Let’s be real.
We made Rolling Stones one issue before Fall Out Boy. And Fall Out Boy made the issue right after us and they were so pissed, they were like, “Yo, fuck you guys!” They’re like, “Yo, Panic! Has the fucking cover for Rolling Stones, yo, fuck these dudes, we’re gonna fucking go miles above, we’re gonna hit every fuckin’ continent there is known to man.” But they didn’t because they missed a second of time. Apparently, they were like “Oh, shit, we got every continenet.” And they didn’t actually hit it. Dude, and Pete was like, “ WHAT THE FUCK? ‘Oh you didn’t fuckin’ make the continent’, it’s like FUCK YOU!” So From Under the Cork Tree happens, we fuckin’ have three-four years of awesomeness. Like people are coming on themselves cause it’s so big. Alright so Fall Out Boy was like- So Patrick was like, “Yo, we’re gonna name these records From Under the Cork Tree and From Innity- From Infinity On High” Pete was like, “Yo, Folie á Deux means the theatric of two.”
“The madness of two.” Oh, sorry, I’m sorry.
Fall Out Boy was like, “Yo, we gotta take a break.” Meaning, Pete was like “Yo, we gotta take a break, bro.” And Patrick’s like, “I need time for my music, UHUhUhUHuHUUUh.” And Joe’s like, “yo, I need time to find the fuckin’ art dude, I gotta find some fuckin’ me-metal.” And Andy’s like, “I’m just gonna play with some fuckin’ metal bands.” And they’re like, “Alright, this break’s been like three years long, two years long, three years long, three and a half? We gotta fuckin’s come back, man, we gotta come back strong.”
You took my away. What the fuck?
“No, you poured it all over yourself.”
“Yeah, you poured it all over yourself, man, here.”
“We gotta make this shit legit, it’s gonna be fuckin’ dope, it’s gonna go fuckin’s sky high. We’re gonna make a fuckin’ records that “We gotta make this shit legit, it’s gonna be fuckin’ dope, it’s gonna go fuckin’s sky high. We’re gonna make a fuckin’ records that sails the skies. We’re gonna call this record Save Rock and Roll.” So they made Alone Together, Light ‘Em Up, Alone Together, Phoenix. And everybody’s like “What the fuck? You’re working with this guy who fuckin’ recorded Avril Lavigne and Pink.”
Is this pu- what the fuck is this on my shirt? Did I puke on myself? Oh god.
Pete was like, “Yo, we’re gonna end up on a tour with Panic! At the Disco and Twenty One Pilots. And that’s all, and that’s all that matter. And that’s just how the fuckin’ story goes.”

pause

Now, would anyone like to confess their sins?

person steps forward

You may now renounce your sins.
W-wait… is that…

Person sighs

Pete Wentz, our Lord of Emo, we are honored to have you in our church. But whatever could you have done to sin?

“I… I stopped wearing eyeliner… but I beg the forgiveness of my fellow emos, for I will return to this habit of wearing eyeliner.”

Of course you are forgiven, our Lord of Emo. Now, for our hymn.
Follow me in singing this hymn of emo.

“When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, "Son when you grow up,
Would you be the savior of the broken,
The beaten and the damned?"
He said "Will you defeat them,
Your demons, and all the non-believers,
The plans that they have made?"
"Because one day I'll leave you,
A phantom to lead you in the summer,
To join The Black Parade."
When I was a young boy,
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said, "Son when you grow up,
Would you be the saviour of the broken,
The beaten and the damned?"
Sometimes I get the feeling she's watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.
And when you're gone we want you all to know.
We'll carry on,
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone bel believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on
Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We'll carry on)
Do or die, you'll never make me (We'll carry on)
Because the world will never take my heart (We'll carry on)
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part
(We'll carry on!)”

Now, the first gathering of Emo Mass is dismissed. Thank you, and carry on.