Bleak Dreams

Backstory

  I told you in the beginning "I am Alec and I am 16," but it has taken me a lot to get here. You must learn about the last two years before even hearing my current disastrous situations.

   First you must know I was born under the sex of female and given the name of Allison by my much older siblings. A brother of almost 15 and a sister about to be 13. It was the year 2000. Gender neutrality in names was not a common practice, still isn't I suppose. My siblings thought I was female for sex so I must be a girl of gender as well. Back then everyone thought that way. They gave me a feminine name and moved on. I accepted my name most of my life well up until the last six months I suppose but we will get to that.

As I grew up I would play kickball with guys and basketball (which being short I sucked at) and occasionally baseball. I played video games and in the jumpy house and on the jungle gym at daycare. I hung out with girls at school though because hey that's what all the little girls did. When I was in 1st or second grade my friend kissed my cheek and I thought because she was a girl it was really bad. Someone did that to me again in elementary school and I thought the idea of it was so awful. A girl kissing a girl was a big no from what I was taught.
I continued handing out with my guy friends all the way up til 6th grade I supposed then I stopped coming outside. The last year I hung out with them they begged me to pull my shirt up too see my stomach a few times and I even did once. I wish I'd learned then to say no.
Right before the 6th grade school year started one of those guys asked me out and honestly I laughed in his face and he chased me around a car slapping my ass enjoying when I hit him back. I have yet to hang out with him again.

Okay jump to sixth grade I found my best friend and we were great the whole year but when summer came our friendship came to a screeching halt. She was now a cheerleader and I was just a fat nobody. I found my friend group in seventh grade and we stuck together for a while.  Seventh grade was also when I started dating the guy that would become my infamous abusive ex. I don't want to focus too much on him though but I will never forget how in two years he went from telling me he loved me to telling me to kill myself.
The summer before eighth grade I subconsciously started eating less. I lost a lot of weight and when I got back everyone noticed. This actually made me want to actively lose weight. I was told that year that the year before people thought I was pregnant. I started slowly eating less and less. by the end of the year I was eating 5 small meals in a whole week, usually at dinner.   I attempted to hang myself for the first time in 8th grade but didn't have anywhere high enough and it was too easy to save myself in the shower. I started cutting every day my hips then my thighs then my stomach until slowly they covered my whole body I wore long sleeves and pants in May during school. In the south that's almost unheard of.

The next year in ninth grade I was put on anxiety meds and very soon overdosed. I was put in a behavioral health hospital for the first time. I was scared shitless. When I was being checked to make sure I didn't sneak anything in they made my remove my shirt. Then put it back on and take my bra off with my shirt on. I was then told to take off my pants and being me I complied another person walked into the room at this time. I wanted to die more than when I overdosed. I was then told to pull my panties up and down quickly so they could see I didn't have anything harmful I looked petrified but did as I was told. When I finally got to leave I wanted to cry I wanted to cut more than ever.
The first person to actually talk to me was someone I will never forget. Probably because she is my stunning girlfriend and was who I came out with two years ago almost.
That night my roommate told me to tell all the lesbians and bisexuals I was straight because they are scary in there sometimes. Funny thing is very few if any of my friends in there were straight. In there was were I saw love was love and sex didn't matter. I went back to the hospital a few more times but the last time I was out as bisexual and everyone knew my girlfriend because she left the day after I got there. 
Well I guess that brings you to one year ago where I guess I really began to try to find myself. I don't want to sleep now but the pills are coming on strong. Stupid sleeping medicine. Now I must go I have to be ready for a night of nightmares plaguing my brain. 

Til I fully awake next and have a moment to talk fair well and oh don't let those demons crawl back in your head before bed it's not healthy Hun. I should know....