I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off

You'll find a way...

Hey Patty. Uh, I don't know what to say. I had it all in my head ready but now the pen's in front of me my mind's gone blank. I just need to say thank you. You gave me a last week worth living, More than the rest of my life.

If I'm gone, I need you to keep some things close to your heart, and above all, believe them.

1)You are beautiful. Absolutely and wholly stunning. Your eyes are such a stunning crystal green that I have got lost in too many times that you don't even know about. I've watched the light catch in your orbs of emerald and then seen them transform into a shimmering clear blue.I'm willing to drown in the oceans if the pools are your eyes in sunlight.

I can't even begin to explain how good your figure is. I know you think that you're overweight and that makes you ugly. But I honestly don't think you understand how much hotter you are to me that way. Far better than any skinny 'ideal' person where every bone becomes visible as they stretch. That would by far put me off. Therefore I don't think you understand how perfect your body looks to me. I loved being able to cuddle you like the softest thing I'd ever touched and don't you ever think otherwise.

Every part of you adds up to perfection Patrick. I think you are the most stunning thing I have ever seen. Why do you think I was staring at you so much?

2) You are loved and you matter. I thought I loved Mikey. I thought we'd be together for the rest of my life. Then I met you. (Well, some other stuff happened) But you changed everything about me. I can promise you, you changed me. Frank was right about drugs and smoking and stuff. But did I ever touch that stuff around you? No. Because I didn't need it. You changed that about me. You filled that space with your sweet singing in the shower, your gentle caresses, your kindness to take me in, your kisses, your cooking, your smile... You, Patrick. You were all I've ever needed this whole time.

I know I was all you had. But please don't leave it at that. You are such a wonderful person that you don't deserve to be lonely. People are lucky to have you as a friend and I know how much you like to make people happy.

Patrick, don't mourn me. I can guess you're going to miss me. My whole body is burning up right now as I know I have to leave you. I needed you so much, and I got you. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me my whole life. God dammit. I don't wanna go. I... Sorry if my tears blur anything, I just don't want to lose you. I wanted to get married. Go crazy with the one I loved. Travel, dedicate my everything to them.Grow old together until we lie in a hospital bed, wrinkled and grey. I wanted to spend my life with you Patrick. I guess I did in a sense. But not how I planned.

I can't read this anymore. I'd say how could he do that but I perfectly understand how he'd much rather prefer to be the one to take his own life. And it's a much more peaceful passing for sure. I swirled the whiskey around the bottle as my feet rested on the edge of the sofa. The night time city scape spread in front of me like a freshly painted canvas and Pete's letter balancing on my knee. I almost feel bad for wishing that those pills he stole from me worked, for his sake of course. Because he hasn't escaped the rope, he's only escaped to a more comfortable cell.

The rusty revolver lay on the mahogany wood table he first pinned me down on. I looked at it curiously. I would be dead by now if things went as I first planned, but instead I ran to the courtyard only to be told that he tried suicide. More comfortable cell... I couldn't possibly think this was a good idea. But as I chewed on my lip, I figured I might just be drunk enough right now to seriously consider it.

My old electric razor lay in the cupboard under my bathroom sink. Thinking about it, it's probably not a good idea for a heavily drunk, emotionally unstable, suicidal guy to use a razor on his own face but, heavily drunk, emotionally unstable, suicidal guys don't really think about that.

Once I was finished with my new haircut (thank God for late night drugstores) I went to my closet and began what felt like the dig to China. The back of my wardrobe held so many old clothes from when I was skinnier. Although I will admit I've been losing some weight. An old burgundy sweater looked like it would fit again as well as some black jeans. I pulled them out of the mess and folded them up nicely on my chair and got ready for bed. I had to make an effort. I'm seeing my boyfriend tomorrow.

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Beep... Beep...... Beep....... Beep....... Beep.......

My hand slammed down on the alarm  as my eyes groggily split open. Shards of sunlight pierced my eyes as I rose my body from the bed. I opened the drawer beside me and pulled the thick black frames from under the paper work. I needed to look as different as possible for my plan to succeed.

Skipping breakfast, I headed straight for the door but something caught my eye. A joke gift from a couple of years ago sat on the coat hanger. I quickly flipped the fedora onto my head and left my apartment.
The bus was empty apart from two people near the back. The day was cold and frost hung in the air. Brooke hospital wasn't a long way away but it was fourty five minutes on bus at least. I don't know what I'll do if Pete's been moved again or...

Everything feels like its moving so slowly now he's not here. It's as if he was my engine and without him I'm just rolling uphill. More people pilled onto the bus as we got closer to the city centre but I however, was headed for the edge of town. I couldn't risk taking my car but thinking about it, I now don't know how we'll escape properly.

Houses flew fast the misted windows. One glass panel was marked with a badly drawn flower and smiley face while another was littered with curse words and sexual drawings. Caricatures of youth that I just couldn't help but roll my eyes at.

The bus unloaded at the centre like I thought it would and with the newly spacious bus, I took a deep breath. My muscles relaxed and I could feel the change from how tense I had been. I looked back around and once again there was only a couple people left again. The back was free so I picked up a newspaper and sat in the back corner with my feet on the chair in front. Against my face was the glass painted with dicks so I smudged all the mist off the window and wiped my hand on the seat.

'Case open. Case shut'  read the title. Well at least I made the front page. Turns out they're not going to search for me after deeming me 'an insignificant threat that will be inconclusive once Pete is executed'. It's not the first time I've been called insignificant but at least I wasn't so offended this time. I can consider myself a free man with a little bit of judgement on the side.

My stop was nearing, it's nearly showtime. I needed to take deep breaths as I could feel the anxiety building in my stomach. This is pushing it for one of the riskiest things I've done. I laughed slightly at my reflection in the frosted glass; look what I've become... But I don't have a problem with it, actually I really like it. A new sense of pride and confidence spread from my chest throughout my body as I walked to the front of the bus. The hospital in close view, it was time to go.

The sliding door of the stone building opened before me and I walked confidently towards the front desk. She looked mature and responsible as she was the first face of the hospital, and she smiled as I approached her.
"Good morning sir how may I help you today?" her elegant voice sang as the words slid off her tongue.
"What floor are the convicts held?" Her eyes widened and the smile faded.
"I'm afraid sir, that's very strict access. Only lawyers can enter."  I smirked, finding it just a little funny how I was honestly a lawyer, but personally I still wouldn't be let in.
"Yes, I know. I'm a lawyer of one of the people there."
"May I see your certificate of law?" I've done all of this before so I already had it on me. There was no name printed on except my unclear signature.  She smiled and nodded, giving me a plain key card with the floor and ward number on. "There will be further checks at the entrance to the ward, have a nice day!"

I almost skipped to the elevator, excited that the first part had worked. A collection of people from all ethnicities poured out of the elevator and me and a group of others went in. I had to use my key card to select Pete's floor on floor two but I was pushed to the back of the elevator. We all slowly rose to floor eight as I rolled my eyes. This was already tedious as an old lady waddled out onto floor nine. Then we went down to floor four. The ad's for hair loss and medical funding were becoming too familiar as we went back up to floor six and the doors plastered in posters opened again. As soon as the buggy was moved from in front of me I jumped to the panel and selected floor two with my card pushed against it. The elevator descended to my floor and I was ready for stage two.