Fame

Chapter 1

I'm standing in front of the mirror with everybody's words repeating in my mind. This is the hardest part for me. The hate. They were yelling and shouting my name with comments that are now sticking to every piece of me. We do not simply hate our bodies; we are taught to. And I'm learning to hate mine more and more every second of this day. Their words are cutting deeper and deeper into my bones. I stare in the mirror at myself and turn my face slightly to see my jawbones. You can't see them. To love food and hate your body only leads to you hating yourself.

They were screaming.

They were yelling at me for no reason.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes momentarily. I have to try and suck it up. If I let it get to me, I can lose him. How am I supposed to feel good about myself though when I walk outside and hear everything that everyone has to say about me?

"Val, are you okay?" there's a light knock at the bathroom door with the sound of Lucas's voice.

I take another deep breath. I can't let him know that I'm falling apart. "Yeah," I say after composing myself and turning the faucet on and off to try and let it sound like I was doing something. When I unlock the door and open it, he's standing right there with a look on his face like he's concerned.

"Are you okay?" his voice is quiet. I nod. "Valerie, I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "You didn't do anything." I sniffle my nose and want to kick myself. 

"I don't know what else to say about it." He looks to his feet now. "You know you don't have to put up with all this." He's avoiding looking at me. I stare at him, trying to guess what he's going to say next.

"What does that mean?"

"I-you...I don't know." He pauses nervously. "You don't deserve to hear that kind of stuff. I'm putting you through hell." I keep quiet because I simply have no words. I take another deep breath. "I hate it when you're quiet. Please talk to me."

Both of us look at each other, and my eyes start to water. "I don't feel good right now." My voice betrays me and I sound depressed and like I was just crying even though I wasn't. His jaw tenses. 

He places his palms just below my shoulders and pulls me to his chest. I take hold of his parka coat. "Val," he whispers as his lips press gently to my forehead. I keep quiet and just hold him tightly. "Valerie," finally the dam breaks and I begin sobbing against his sweater and hiding my face in his coat. I feel so embarrassed and so ugly and unworthy to be here in this hotel room with him having him hold me in his arms as I sob uncontrollably. "It's all right, baby. I've got you." I'm holding him as tightly as I can right now. I inhale his scent and start to calm down. I shouldn't be letting their words get to me. They shouldn't be cutting this deep into my self-esteem. I can't help it, though. Each of their words keep repeating in my head like a broken record.

"Are you hungry?" he asks softly.

Hungry. The word now makes me cringe and my stomach grumbles quietly. Lucas doesn't hear it though and for that I am thankful.

I lie, shaking my head against his warm chest. "Will you shower with me?" his voice cracks a little and I have to stifle a laugh. I don't want to bear my body to him. I'm disgusted with myself right now. "Please, you're not fat." His hands rub up and down my back. "Valerie, stop acting like this." There's a small silence between us both. He pulls me off his chest and holds me at arm's length so that he can see my face. "Come on." He speaks like he's annoyed. He's not taking no for an answer. When he takes my coat off and throws it to the bed I take another deep breath.