Ratchet Sermons (Jamaican Edition)

Story 1: When The Church Gets Turnt

WHOIIII MI BADII!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN A MAN LOVE A OOMAN & A OOMAN LOVE A MAN A JAH JAH BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*congregation: yes fada! PREACH!!!*

IF YOU LOVE FADA GOD ONNU MUS SHE "WHOII MI BADDI GOOD!!!!!!!!"

*entire congregation: "WHOII MI BADDI GOOD!!!!!!!!"*

*gyal pon next side a di church: "MUNCHIE YUH WELL KNOW SHE YUH FACE DEH PON LIFE SUPPORT!!!"*

WHOIIIII JESAS GIVE STRENGTH TO THIA ELEANOR DAKIN SO SHE CAN FINISH HAR ACCOUNTS SBA CUZ SHE WELL KNOW SEH MS. STONE ALREADY WAH TUMP OUT HAR (word that isn't appropriate for church) CUZ SHE NEVA GO A DI ACCOUNTS SBA CLASSES DEM!!!!!

*pastor tears off robe*

WHOII!!! MI 'AT NUH RASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! COME CONGREGATION, WILL YOU HELP ME? *congregation: yess pastor BushMan*

YASSSSSS!!!

1, 2, 3 I'm like, "Hey, what's up? Hello." Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door. I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll.

*munchie quintaz start wine pon di altar*

Married to the money, introduced her to my stove. Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low. She my trap queen, let her hit the bando. We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go.

*women a strip*

We just set a goal, talkin' matchin' Lambos. A 50, 60 grand, prob' a hundred grams though. Man, I swear I love her how she work the damn pole. Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go. Everybody hating, we just call them fans though. In love with the money, I ain't ever letting go *beat drops*

*Sister Dorris start wineing pon di offering plate*

And I get high with my baby

*pastor says: Sister Bonkquishaniqua, stop twerking in the House of the Lord*

I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby

*entire congregation: "YAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"*

And I can ride with my baby, I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby,

*entire congregation: "YAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"*

*Pastor Bushman sees Sister Dorris' thong, gets horny*

*in spongebob narrator voice: "2 seconds later" Pastor be grinding on that good good (SURFBOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)*

And I can ride with my baby. I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby,

*entire congregation: "YAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"*

And I can ride with my baby, I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby

*entire congregation: "YAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"*

*Party a gwaan till 12am di next day (THE SEX WAS REAL!!!!) an' ooman weh already go thru menopause pregnant wid quintuplets (Which makes sense cuz di women did a "quint " fi dem man)*

I hope you found this enjoyable #InDireNeedOfBelleview #iRegretNothing