Ratchet Sermons (Jamaican Edition)

Sister Dorris' Funeral Celebration *cough* Service *cough*

*churchgoers were cheering & shouting praises to the Lord*

*people passing by the church heard something VERY unusual: "Now she cya H-infek nuh more man fi har p**** 'tink like di landfill a Riverton! TANK YUH FADA!!!*

*Pastor Bushman settles down the crowd*

"Bredaz & Sistaz" he said "We are gathered here today to celebrate di death of Sister Dorris Williamson!"

*church roars in approval*

"This is a wondrous occasion & we have this man to thank."

*Congregation cheers as the policeman who killed Sister "Dutty crotches" Dorris*

"This man is wonderful" Pastor Bushman continued, "He rid the world of the most polluted genitals in the planet. We'll no longer have to worry about that H-insignificant, miniscule, loquacious bitch who had the TEMERITY..."

*congregation gasps, all of them say: "big wuuuuuurdz!"*

Pastor Bushman: "Yes bitches, I'm educated! Anyway she had the.."

*Suddenly Sister Dorris barges into the church, everyone freezez*

Sister Dorris: "Turns out the pathologist made a mistake, mi neva did dead, HALLELUJAH!"

*girl from the congregation: "GYAL GO DEAD NUH!!!"*

Sister Dorris: "How dare you speak to me that way?!"

Girl: "Ooman listen to mi"

1- "Mi cyan smell yuh fish market crotches from here"

2- "Nobody neva like yuh!"

3- "Why di man weh yuh deh wid sexy AF but yuh more pop dung than Michelle Williams career?!"

4- "Miley Cyrus has a fat ass compared to that iron board you call an ass"

5- "All 69 of yuh baby fada dem dead cuz dem smell you pumz"

6- "I AM ASHAMED TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER!!!"

7- "The reaso yuh did give birth to me thru C-Section was bcuz inna daddy will 'im did seh when mi bawn me muss neva touch yuh dutty pumz!!"

*Sister Dorris start cry*

Sister Dorris: "How could you Bonkquishani..."

Girl: "Oh yeah & I hate you for naming me that! I legally changed it to Michelle"

Sister Dorris: "Do you all hate me?!"

Congregation: " NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!"

Sister Dorris: "I have some use you know! I -"

*An angel of the Lord appeared to the church, turns directly to Sister Dorris*

"Church!" the angel bellowed "Her nasty-ass cooch has caused some good. I have been restored to God because I repented"

Sister Dorris: "Repented?"

Angel: Yes Riverton Landfill Queen. I used to be called Satan. But after seeing yuh dutty pumz, I saw that it was more horrible than myself. It scared me into repentance."

Sister Dorris: *in the tune of Justin Bieber* "What do you mean?"

ENTIRE WORLD: "YUH PUMZ NUH GOOD TO BBC!!!"

Sister Dorris: "Oh yeah, well I am still wonderful because made me -"

*Satan's angel wing using turns razor sharp, stabs her through the heart*

*Congregation silent like a wha*

Pastor Bushman: "HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!"

Congregation: "YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WAIT EVERYONE" a churchgoer bellowed, the congregation stopped "Murder is still wrong, we shouldn't be..."

*God yells down from Heaven: "I'LL LET THAT ONE SLIDE!"

*church ends with everyone wining & dancing to Soca music*

LOL!!!