After pushing his friends away, and losing all confidence in his ability to succeed, how will the man who is known for his constant upbeat attitude cope when he can barely even manage a smile?
Jack is stuck, in an empty, emotionless void, unable to...
The first video of the day is up, but Im not as happy about it as I usually am. Lately, I've been feeling as though Im letting a lot of people down, mainly my subscribers, and myself, because I havent been doing as much with the channel as I wish I was. In my latest video, I explained all of this, as the video is an update from a video I made a year ago on the fear of failure.
It's a fear that I've always had, but over the years, especially since I started youtube, it has only gotten worse. Only a few months ago, my girlfriend left me, she used the excuse of me spending all of my time on youtube and not with her, which was fair enough I guess. I thought she was the one, and it hurts so bad that she's gone. Her leaving really knocked my self-esteem, and it made my fear of failure even worse, because I failed her. I hadnt been neglecting her, I'd been my usual self, but it wasnt enough. It rarely is. I wish I was enough. I wouldnt be surprised if my subscribers left me too, after realizing what a failure I am. I have nobody in my life, in REAL life, OUTSIDE of the internet, that inspires me, Im so lonely. Im so fucking depressing these days, it's ridiculous!
Shaking my head, I pull my phone out of my pocket and start responding to comments on previous videos, and tweets. I spend hours just responding to comments, and they cheer me up, to a certain extent. I wish I could meet more of these phenomenally kind people. I always feel terrible when I go to conventions and see stories online of people that couldnt make it for various reasons, it breaks my heart! As I scroll through my twitter feed, a certain follower notification catches my eye.
@ CharCharBinks
I raise an eyebrow and tap their profile icon. I start laughing uncontrollably, her name is Charlotte, and her username is a play on JarJar Binks! Holy fucking shit! I laugh for a solid five minutes, before I manage to wipe my eyes and regain control of my breathing, then I continue to check out her twitter. She has a large amount of followers, and tweets a lot of hilarious shit, she seems like a really funny girl, and I feel like I know her from somewhere, but I cant quite remember where? This is going to piss me off until I can remember her. I decide to look at her profile picture, to see if that will jog my memory, and I fucking drop my phone in shock, she's gorgeous!
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Why the fuck is she following ME!?! Without a second thought, I follow her back, so that I can message her privately. I need to find out where I've seen her before!
Me: Hey! I know this may seem random, and maybe even rude because of my shitty memory, but Im sure I've seen you before...do I know you? :D
CharCharBinks: Hi! Yeah, haha, you do know me, not very well tho. You and I went to high school together! We didnt really talk that much, I was a very quiet person, and Im actually shocked you remember me at all to be honest! :P
I facepalm, I cant believe I didnt remember her!
Me: Charlotte! Oh my god! Of course! Im so sorry, I feel terrible for not remembering you..
CharCharBinks: Haha, yeah! Dont worry about it man, Im not a particularly memorable person. ;)
Me: Nah, I remember you now! The British girl! You only ever spoke out in class when the teacher made a grammatical error, haha! :D
CharCharBinks: Thats me! XD And you, Sean, you were the kid that was always in trees, always making people laugh, I guess that last part hasnt changed, huh? ;P
Me: You know about my youtube channel?
CharCharBinks: Dude, I fucking follow you on twitter now, and you're pretty well known on youtube, how could I NOT!?! XD
My heart sinks a little. She doesnt know about my channel by choice then.
Me: Haha, I guess!
CharCharBinks: Thats not to say your popularity pisses me off in any way, Im actually proud to have associated myself with you once upon a time XD I dont think the internet would believe me if I told my story tho.
Me: Theres no need to be proud, its just me! Lil Jackaboy! :D
CharCharBinks: Haha, yeah, I guess so, lil green haired Jackaboy! XD
Me: So, hows life treating you? I havent seen you since high school, whats been going on? :P
CharCharBinks: Its treating me alright I guess, you? And well, Im still a total nerd for all things sci-fi, tho I dont suppose you knew I ever was a nerd, as you and I werent really close when we were kids. Im really into music, and I work with a lot of bands when they go on tour. Its pretty cool, to say the least! What about you? :D
I feel even shittier now. Charlotte is doing great things with her life, and all I do is sit in my apartment alone, all day, everyday.
Me: Life is treating me alright too. Thats fucking awesome! What sorta sci-fi are you a nerd for? Which bands do you follow, and what jobs do you do when you tour with them!?! Holy shit! :O
CharCharBinks: Haha, my life is pretty awesome right now, not gonna lie! Im a nerd for fucking ALL OF IT man! And, well, my music taste varies, but since I got my job at Kerrang! magazine, I've done a lot of work with various bands. I've been to Warped more times than I can count, and I've been on full-blown tours with bands like Sleeping With Sirens, Bring Me The Horizon, New Years Day, Green Day, Palaye Royale, and, even, back in the day, My Chemical Romance! So, its rare that Im actually at home, cuz most of the time Im stuck on a tour bus with at least 3 smelly bastards! XD
Me: Holy. Fucking. SHIT!
CharCharBinks: Jealous? ;)
Me: VERY!
CharCharBinks: Haha! Im jealous of your job tho, I mean, you get to play video games all day everyday, for an audience that adores your content! Thats sick! :O
Me: It is pretty cool, you're right, and Im so lucky to have the job that I do. As you said, I get to play video games for a living! Speaking of videos, I'd probably better go and edit mine before I upload it in the next few hours! It was really good to catch up, and I'll be sure to message you again soon, bye for now Charlotte! :D
CharCharBinks: Oh yeah, of course, have fun editing dude! I'll definitely have to watch some of your videos at some point, see what all this fuss is about with your 12 million fucking subscribers! ;) It was cool catching up with you too, and yeah, I look forward to it! Bye Sean! And, you can call me Char if you wanna :P
I sniffle as I leave twitter, and turn my phone off. I stand up from my gaming chair, and exit my recording room, stumbling into my bedroom and collapsing on my bed, before bursting into tears. I fucking hate myself. I wish I could do more with my life, but Im too fucking scared. I just need someone, someone that will stick with me, someone that will comfort me, someone that I will mean something to. I just fucking need someone to listen.
